The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
by The Tacochickenwings
Summary: Link goes on a quest to save his stupid sister Aryll and the world from Ganondorf, the biggest Spice Girls fan ever to hit the Great Sea. However, the controlling Tetra, nudist Medli, rapist Makar, and fat King of Red Lions aren't much help.
1. Default Chapter

_**LEGEND OF ZELDA:**_

_**THE WIND WAKER**_

_**Prologue**_

Long ago there was an ancient kingdom called Hyrule... It was full of happy retards who were, for a while, seemingly unaware of the possible doom that was to soon be upon them. This possible doom took the form of a freak with green skin, orange hair, and black shiny armor. His name was Ganondorf. Most likely being from a dysfunctional family, Ganondorf had issues. Due to his insanity, he decided to rule Hyrule using one of the three goddess triangles, called the Triforce of Power. But then there was a young boy wearing a green dress, and in his possession was the blade used to vanquish evil, The Master Sword, and also with him was the Triforce of Courage. He defeated and sealed the freak away, hopefully for all time... Then he rode off on a pony. The people rejoiced, and lived peacefully for a while, until the day came when a foul smelling wind blew across the land... It smelled like cough drops. This meant one thing: Ganondorf had returned, and was ready to kill them all! The people thought their green-dressed hero would return... He never did. When their doom was about to be sealed, the people prayed to the three goddesses, Din, Nayru, and Farore, hoping that they would save them... What happened after that? Who the hell knows.

Although the kingdom disappeared, it was always remembered. In honor of the hero in the green dress, it became customary on a certain island to garb boys in green dresses when they turned the age of the hero. The old folks just wanted to convert the youth to homosexuality...


	2. Happy Birthday!

_**Happy Birthday!**_

It was a hot day on the little Outset Island, as it was named. A little girl, who looked to be about five years old ran about the island screaming at the top of her lungs, "BIG BROOOOOOOOOTHER!"

She searched every nook and cranny of the island.

The island's watchtower caught her eye.

Aryll, as the girl was named, grinned. She hadn't looked there. She ran eagerly to it, and climbed the ladder.

"Aha!" she exclaimed, finding her brother, snoring soundly on top of the structure.

Her brother was a twelve year old boy with messy blonde hair, who was wearing a blue shirt with a white crawfish on it, and tan/orange colored long pants. He highly resembled a hippie.

The young boy slowly opened his eyes. He felt stiff from sleeping on wood, but slowly got to his feet. Our young hero's name, by the way, was Link.

Link turned to see Aryll standing next to him.

"You finally woke up!" Aryll exclaimed.

Link stared plainly at his little sister, his eyes glazed from sleep. "Don't you remember what day it is?" Aryll asked with a small frown. Link thought for a moment, but was too tired to even shrug his shoulders.

"It's your birthday! How can you forget?" Aryll said.

"Oh, yeah, that's right!" Link said, perking up a little at this remark.

"Grandma's been waiting at the house for you! She said she has something to give to you. Get going then!" Aryll hissed.

"Fine, fine!" Link said hastily, jumping down from the crow's nest into the water.

He swam to the shore. He ran to his house, and opened the wooden door. He found his grandma in the kitchen area of the house.

"Oh, hello Link!" his grandma exclaimed when he came.

"Hi. So what is it you want?" Link asked curiously.

Link's grandmother grinned widely.

"Today is the day you come of age," said grandma.

"Eh... Obviously...what do you want?" Link asked nervously. Grandma handed Link a green outfit.

"Try this on!"

Link put it on.

"Eh... It's kind of... Tacky...and... Well, let me put it this way, it's just plain ugly," Link said, staring down at the green tunic, tights, and boots, "Oh my God... You're trying to convert me to homosexuality, aren't you!"

He wore the same ugly green elf hat and dress that the hero in the legend wore.

"You look just as the hero in the legend is said to look!" said Grandma gleefully.

"You can't convert me old woman! I won't let you!" The young boy shrieked.

"Now go with Aryll while I plan your birthday party. Shoo now!" said Grandma happily.

Link obeyed, rather relieved that he was being shooed out. The boy eyed his grandmother warily on his way out. He knew why she wanted him to go with Aryll. She wanted Aryll to teach him how to be a girl! Sometimes Link wondered if his grandma had cracked.

He walked back to the crow's nest, finding Aryll looking out at the sea and then the sky with her orange and yellow telescope. She turned to look at him when he came up.

"Oh... Wow, you must be hot in that..." She said quietly, staring at Link's tacky green clothes.

Link frowned slightly. "Not only that, but it's a total fashion no-no! Grandma obviously wants me to switch to a different sexual preference!" Link shouted, picking at the white tights with disgust.

Aryll giggled slightly, "Well, I must admit, it sure seems like it! Hmm. Well, anyway, close your eyes and hold out your hands! I've got a surprise for you!"

Link obeyed, beginning to think he was having to take a lot of orders for his birthday.

Aryll laid something in his hands.

"Ok, you can open your eyes now!" She said.

Link opened them, and found himself staring at Aryll's telescope. "You can borrow it for one day!" Aryll said.

Link was beginning to think he was getting a lot of stupid presents.

"It has your germs all over it though... Can't you give me something else?" He said.

"Will you at least try it out?" Aryll asked, frowning.

Link held it up to his eye and looked out.

"Oh, there's the postman!" Aryll said, pointing downwards.

The postman was a strange looking fellow. He had bird wings, a white powdered wig, and a beak. Link looked through the telescope at him.

"Woah, what a loser," He said.

"AH! HURRY! LOOK UP!" Aryll shrieked.

Link looked up. "Hey, cool! That cloud is shaped like a scottie dog!" He exclaimed, marveling at it.

"No, no!" Aryll shouted, squeezing Link's arm, "Look to the right, to the right!"

She began to shake him.

Link looked more to the right, only to find a large bird carrying a girl who appeared to be about his age in it talons. Hearing shouting, Link looked down again. There was a pirate ship, full of pirates shouting and shooting rocks at the bird. One of the rocks whacked the bird in the side of the beak, and it dropped the girl into the Forbidden Woods atop Outset Island's Summit.

The bird flew away, and Link slowly lowered the telescope.

Aryll shrieked again.

"Link! You have to help her! That girl-she-she fell into the woods!"

"Why don't you? I have better things to do!" Link said tiredly as he sat down.

"'Cause you're older, and the storyline says you have to! And what better things do you have to do?" Aryll replied.

"Like, for instance...sleeping!"

"Sleeping? That's a lame excuse! That girl could be dead!"

"You are so naïve... You see Aryll, it's about time we had a little talk about the cycle of life," Link kneeled before his little sister and put a hand on her shoulder, "Well, little sis, living creatures need food. Therefore, they eat other living things to survive. And right now, that girl is probably making a nice meal for some coyote, so it can eat, and live. So she'd be helping society, right? So I say we pretend like this never happened, you know, like the time I set the neighbor's house on fire..."

Aryll looked horrified.

"But big brother... She-she's a person! Please, go save her! I don't want her to get eaten!" Aryll began to cry, "And when did you set the neighbor's house on fire?"

"Uh... It...never happened?" Link said, remembering just then that Aryll didn't know that he had set anything on fire.

Aryll continued to sob.

"Alright, ALRIGHT! I'll go save that girl!" Link said, trying to stop his sister's tears.

Aryll instantly perked up.

"Ok! But you'll need something to defend yourself with!"

Link knew just the place.

He wandered to his neighbor's, Orca's house with a frustrated groan.

Orca was an old swordsman, and Link knew he could offer him a weapon.

"'Sup Orca?" Link said once he entered the house.

"Welcome, and happy birthday Link," replied Orca.

"Thanks. Well, I need a weapon. Some kid fell into the woods and the storyline says I have to go save her," Link said.

"Very well," said Orca. "I will teach you."

Orca handed him a sword, and taught him how to use it. By the time they were done, there were many sword marks in the walls. Orca let him keep the sword.

"When you're done with your little "rescue", make sure you pay for the damages. Good bye," said Orca, as he shoved Link out the door. "Uh, see ya Orca!" Link said quickly as the door shut behind him. With a last shrug, he made his way up the long trail to the woods. Then he crossed the bridge, and he was finally there...


	3. Link to the Rescue!

_**Link to the Rescue!**_

Link leaned against a tree to catch his breath.

"Phew, this storyline sucks so far!" Link said wearily.

He looked around.

Nearby was a pig-like creature. It didn't look friendly. Link slowly approached it. It let out a noise, and hurled towards him, long claws at the ready. Link yelped slightly as it came closer, slashing him across the head.

Link growled. "PREPARE TO DIE ASSHOLE!" he screamed, and hurtled himself at the creature, slashing it with his sword until it died.

He breathed heavily.

"I don't get a break anymore!" he muttered, wiping some blood off of his face.

Link picked his way through the wildly overgrown woods. He looked up, and found the girl hanging unconscious from a tree branch. More of the creatures came, and he killed all of them.

The girl slowly opened her eyes. She blinked, taking in her surroundings, and realized she was hanging from the branch of a tree.

"Gah!" she yelped and began to wiggle, grunting as she did so.

The branch snapped, and she came tumbling to the ground.

Link snickered.

The girl stood up and brushed herself off. Link saw her in more detail now. She wore a pirate-like outfit. She had tan skin, large eyes, and her blonde hair was pulled into a swirly bun on top of her head.

"Gr! Stupid bird!" She muttered, but then she heard Link's laughter, "What are _you_ laughing at?"

She looked around, and stared at Link standing before her. She looked at him from head to toe, "Wow... What's with that get up? You really like to make your sexual preference obvious, don't you?" She asked, brow raised.

Link sighed, "It's _not_ what it looks like, trust me"

"Whatever," she replied.

At that moment, a big ugly pirate came into view, "MISS TETRA! MISS TETRA?" he yelled.

He spotted the girl, and waved to her, and then ran over.

"Miss Tetra! We all thought you were... You know... I mean, being that you were dropped onto a summit an' all..." The pirate said.

Link figured the girl was "Tetra."

"A summit! Well then, c'mon Gonzo, it's time to kick that chicken's ass!" Tetra said to the pirate, and she rushed to the woods' exit.

"But Miss Tetra-what about this boy?" said Gonzo.

"Don't worry about him!" Tetra said impatiently, and she left the woods.

Gonzo looked at Link's clothes for a moment, "Are you free Saturday night?"

"Woah, I did _not_ just need to hear that! No way buddy!" Link said, backing up, his eyes wide.

"Well, think about my offer..." Gonzo said mysteriously, and followed Tetra out of the woods slowly.

When Gonzo was a safe distance away, Link cautiously followed them...


	4. Kidnapped!

_**Kidnapped!**_

Aryll waved to them across the bridge gleefully. Link rolled his eyes at her.

"My little sister's like a dog," he explained, "She gets excited whenever she sees a human."

Aryll began to walk across the bridge to meet them. But out of the corner of his eye, Link saw something headed towards his sister.

He turned to see the bird flying towards Aryll!

Link screamed, but before he could warn the child, the bird swooped down and grabbed Aryll in its talons!

Aryll screamed.

"BIG BROTHER!"

"_ARYLL!" _Link shrieked.

He drew his sword and ran straight off the edge of the cliff in an attempt to save Aryll.

Link yelped, but he was saved by Tetra, whom grabbed his hand, almost falling herself.

Link wiggled. "No! I have to save my sister! LET...GO!" Link said in a choked voice as he struggled.

"Stupid...kid! YOU-CAN'T-SAVE-HER...SHE'S GONE!" Tetra replied in a strained tone.

Link gave up struggling, and hung there sadly, wishing he hadn't been so mean to Aryll, and that he could've done something to save her...


	5. The Journey Begins

_**The Journey Begins!**_

"Uh uh. Noooo way kid, I'm not taking you with me! Forget it!" Tetra said, outraged.

Link put a hand on his sword, "I'm warning you... Just let me do this, and I won't have to kill you!"

"Kill me? PAH! You couldn't kill a fly!" Tetra crowed.

"_Yeah, well you wanna bet bitch?"_ Link growled as he ran at Tetra with his sword.

The postman was quick to grab Link by the arm and pull him back.

"Pardon me, Miss, but I believe it was Link here who saved you, and it would be a nice idea to let him on your ship to save his sister," the postman said calmly, brow raised, staring fixedly at Tetra as he held on to Link's arm tightly.

Tetra seemed surprised.

"Is this true?" She asked, glaring at Link.

Link nodded furiously. "YES! Why do you think I was up there? To set the whole damn woods on fire?"

Tetra thought for a moment.

"Well... Maybe I could..." she muttered to herself, "Fine! I'll take you on my ship!" She said after a few minutes.

"Yes! I knew you had the hots for me!" Link cheered.

"What did you say?" Tetra asked.

"Uh... Nothing?" Link replied, looking the other way.

The postman nodded, satisfied, "Well, anyway, I need to discuss some things with all of you." he said. "First of all, you should go to the Forsaken Fortress. That is where the foul bird makes its nest. Link, your sister is not the only one who has been captured by the beast. Many other pointy eared girls have been taken too," Tetra and Link nodded.

Gonzo, who had been watching the scene all along, just stood there admiring Link.

"So long," said the postman, bowing and flying away, "I need to go back home and finish baking my muffins!"

"Ok..." Link said.

Tetra turned to face Link, "Well, go say goodbye to your family and friends. I don't want you whining and complaining on my boat!" Tetra growled, "_And_ you'll need some sort of defense!"

Link obeyed.

"Oh, and Link?" Tetra asked.

"Yeah?"

Tetra punched him in the stomach.

"HEY, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?" Link exclaimed.

"It was for a dramatic effect," Tetra said with a shrug.

Link hurried away from Tetra as quickly as possible to his destination.

Along the way he said goodbye to his friends and neighbors. Then he arrived at his home, and his thoughts wandered to the family shield hanging on the wall.

He opened the door and walked inside, planning to retrieve the shield, bid his grandmother goodbye, and be out as quickly as possible.

He climbed the ladder to the second floor and gasped.

The shield was gone!

Link climbed back down the ladder, only to find his grandma waiting for him. Grandma was clutching the shield in her arms!

She smiled weakly at him, and handed it to him, "Is this what you're looking for?"

Link slowly took it from her.

Grandma slowly began to cry. "How could anyone kidnap such a sweet girl?" Grandma cried.

Tears stung Link's eyes. "I-I don't know..." He managed to choke out.

He felt as though he would never forgive himself for how he had treated Aryll... And she was just trying to be nice to him! Link hated himself for that.

How could I have been so stupid? Link thought angrily to himself.

Link and his grandmother hugged, and Link left the house without looking back.

"Wow, that was overly dramatic," he said to himself.

He walked back to Tetra, frowning.

Tetra eyed him suspiciously.

"What's up with you?" she asked, brow raised.

"Nothing..." Link replied, looking at the ground next to her and wiping his eyes.

He felt guilty, as if he was responsible for Aryll's capture.

More drama.

Tetra's eyes fell upon the shield.

"You're going to defend yourself with an old piece of shit like that" She asked, a little surprised.

Link glared at her.

_"YES!"_ He was determind now, "I am going to defend myself with a piece of shi-hey! You can't say that about my family shield!"

Tetra glared back at him.

"Fine," she spat stiffly, and the two kids and Gonzo, who was walking behind Link and admiring the view, marched to the ship.

There were five other pirates aboard the ship.

"_This is your crew?"_ Link said, thoroughly amused at the small crew, "You only have six pirates to do your shit? Honestly, what kind of pirate are you!"

Tetra glared at him, her eyes aflame, "A better one than you'd ever be!"

"Fool! How dare you talk that way to your superior!" Link declared.

"SUPERIOR?" Tetra yelled.

"You got that right!"

Tetra pushed Link to the ground, and all the pirates began to watch, "Look kid, when you're on _my_ boat _I_ am your superior! And if you have a problem with that, then you can just consult my dagger! Got it?"

Link nodded slowly. He was now afraid of Tetra.

"GOT IT?"

Link jumped, "Yes, I get it, I get it!"

"Good," Tetra said coolly, "Now you can go down to the lower deck to see Niko, my lackey!"

Link hurried down some stairs to find Niko.


	6. Niko

**_Niko_**

Link soon found Niko, an ugly buck-toothed pirate.

The pirate's voice was so annoying, and Link cringed the moment the pirate spoke to him.

"So, you're the new swabbie, eh?" Niko asked.

Link cringed, but then regained confidence, "Yes. Yes I am!" he said defiantly.

The pirate chuckled. "Well you're going to have to take the test all the new swabbies have to take!"

Link glared at Niko, "Will you stop calling me swabbie?"

"Heh heh heh heh! No," Niko replied flatly.

"As long as you're my underling, I can boss you around, and call you whatever I want!"

Link grumbled.

"So what's the test?" He asked.

Niko did the annoying laugh again.

"Heh heh! Well, first, you have to step on this switch!"

Niko did so, and platforms rose up out of the floor.

"And then you've got to jump onto the first platform."

Niko did this.

"But the other platforms are too far apart. Notice these hanging lanterns. They're like ropes, you see? So you've got to jump, grab onto them, and then swing to the next platform."

He did this until he was finally to the other doorway.

"And you have a time limit!" Niko laughed hysterically, "This is gonna take you years kid! Long, long years!"

And with that, Neko sat and waited.

Link's eyes were aflame, "I'll show you, you lame ass pirate!"

Link began to try. And try. And try again.

"Ow!" He exclaimed from the floor, "Can't we just pretend like I did it all?"

Niko laughed insanely.

"Oh, that was funny, heh heh! Heh heh!"

Link glared up at him.

"I'm...going...to...kill you..." He said through clenched teeth.

He climbed back up the ladder and started again.

Finally he got to the other side, and began punching Niko into a bloody pulp.

"OUCH! THAT HURT, DAMMIT!" Niko yelled.

"Now give me the goods, before I am forced to put you out of your misery!" Link growled, his sword pointed at Niko's heart.

"Ok, ok! Just don't hurt me again!" Niko whimpered.

He gave Link an ugly looking bag.

"I'm not here to go trick or treating. Is this all you've got?" Link said angrily, poking the bag with the tip of his sword.

"It's a goody bag... You keep things you get from enemies in it!" Niko squeaked, "I-is there s-something else you want?"

"Hmm... Yes, actually, there is something else I want from you! Your money! And if you don't give it to me, I'll be forced to cut off your... Well, let's just say that girls won't like you so much... IF, you know what I mean..." Link said.

Niko emptied his pockets. Link grinned with satisfaction.

Then Niko began to talk about the bag.

Link raised a brow, looking back at the bag distastefully.

Tetra called down to them, "WE'RE ARRIVING AT THE FORSAKEN FORTRESS! LINK, GET YOUR ASS UP HERE NOW!"

Link shuddered at the sound of her voice, and hoped that she wouldn't try to kill him.

"Link! I'm in the crow's nest! Get up here!" Tetra called.

"NO! I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS! And you too, of course..." Link replied.

"NOW!" She screamed.

"NO!"

"YES!" Tetra was very pissed now.

"NOOOO!"

"DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE!" She threatened.

"Ok, I'm coming up!"

Link climbed up to the crow's nest. Tetra was sitting on the ledge of the crow's nest, glaring at him.

"Ok, so here's the plan. We're right near the Forsaken Fortress, but we can't just bring you directly there all willy-nilly. We'd get caught! So, we'll put you in a barrel, and use a catapult to throw you, and then pray that you go through a window. Ok?"

"Ok," Link replied.

He paused for a moment, "Uh... Wait a sec... Could you repeat that? 'Cause I thought you said that you were gonna put me in a barrel, and catapult me threw a window."

But before he knew it, he was in a barrel.

Gonzo prepared to pull the lever, "I'll miss you..." He whispered to Link.

"WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU? AND BESIDES, I THINK THIS IS ILLEGAL! DAMMIT TETRA, YOU'RE SUCH A BI-AAAAAAAAHHHH!"

But before Link could finish his protest, he was shot out of the cannon, and flew screaming and swearing towards the Forsaken Fortress.


	7. The Forsaken Fortress

_**The Forsaken Fortress**_

Link smashed into a wall face first.

Unconscious, he slid down the wall a few feet, and fell into the water. The boy immediately awoke and swam back up, the cold water bringing him back to his senses.

After swimming to the shore, Link lay down.

"Ah, crap, my head! Man, this is almost worse than a hangover..."

He looked up at his surroundings.

"Well, at least it looks like I got inside..."

Link sat on a rock, took out a notepad dubbed, "People to Kill," and a pencil, then added "Tetra and the Pirates" to the list.

He wiped his nose, only to find blood on his sleeve after doing so.

"Now I have a nose bleed! Dammit! I'm going to get that good-for-nothing pirate chick! I'm gonna throw her off her own ship!" He growled.

Link felt around his clothes.

"WHERE THE HELL IS MY SWORD? THIS _CAN'T_ BE HAPPENING!"

But then he felt a huge vibration in his left pocket.

"OH MY GOD, THE EPOCOLIPSE!" He screamed, ducking for cover.

Then Link heard Tetra's voice, and he pulled a glowing stone from his pocket.

"Link! This is my talking stone thing, and I can talk to you through it!" Tetra's voice said.

"How the hell is _that_ gonna help anything?" Link asked.

"I can give you advice! Well, look, there's this window that all these seagulls are surrounding. Maybe your sister's there! Well, can't help you anymore! I have better things to do!" Then the stone stopped glowing.

Link's eyes narrowed with anger, "_Oh gee, thanks for your help!"_

He stuffed the rock back in his pocket, and climbed to his feet.

Next to him were some stone stairs, so he climbed them. The stairs led to a flat, secluded area that was being bathed in the light of the searchlights.

Link figured he had to avoid these.

He climbed the next set of stairs, which led to a long hallway thing.

Then he walked to the door at the other end, and cautiously peeked in. There were some barrels, a map, two strange, muscular pig things with lanterns, and a door at the other end. The pig things looked pretty stupid, and Link guessed that's what they were, being stupid himself.

Link hid under one of the barrels, and began to tiptoe across the room. He peeked through a hole in the barrel to see where he was going. He could see that he was near a map in the middle of the room now, and the creatures were too stupid to notice him it seemed.

"I'm unstoppable!" Link gloated gleefully.

One of the pigs grunted and looked around, hearing the noise.

Link gulped louder than he'd hoped.

The pig turned and saw the shaking barrel and lunged at it, lantern held high. He began sniffing it, with Link whimpering like a helpless puppy.

The thing, which was called a moblin, threw its lantern at the barrel! "OW! MY ASS! IT BURNS! OOOOOOOOOH, THE PAIN! EEEEEE! MAKE IT STOP!" Link whined.

He tumbled out of the burning barrel, his rear end aflame.

"STOP, DROP AND ROLL! STOP, DROP AND ROLL!" Link screamed, stopping, dropping and rolling.

The pig watched him, then seized him by his hair.

"Ouch! Ok, that hurts! You can put me down now! I beg you! I COMMAND YOU!" The boy cried desperately.

But the pig didn't listen, of course. It threw him into a cold cell and shut and locked the door.

Link whined, feeling frustrated and incredibly sore.

He stood up on the table in the middle of the cell and kicked the silverware off of it. He needed some way to release his anger.

Link stared at the top of the bookshelf where a nice vase sat.

He grinned evilly. Maybe it was really valuable, and he could break it for revenge!

So he growled, and leaped to the top of the bookshelf. He smashed the vase, and it fell to the floor, broken. Link raised his eyebrows as he spotted a secret passageway where the vase had been.

It was just big enough for him to crawl through!

And that he did. It frustrated Link to be in such tight quarters, but he just took deep breaths and hurried along as fast as possible.

Finally, he came to an opening and peered out.

The coast was clear!

Link inched slowly out of the passageway, and looked around.

He was standing on a stone ledge. The floor was cut away after that, and then it formed a new ledge. There was also a lantern hanging. He decided to swing across the rope attaching the lantern, as he had done in Niko's test.

"Here it goes..." Link muttered, taking a deep breath.

He began to run, leap into the air, and just managed to cling to the rope.

"Phew! Boy, that was close!" Link said grinning, "I'm just so cool!" Link ran a hand through his hair, being the arrogant person he was.

He began to swing on the rope, preparing to jump to the other side. When he had swung enough, he leaped, letting go of the rope, and fell flat on his face on the other side.

His nose began to bleed again, and he rubbed it.

"Oh crap, not another nose bleed!"


	8. Power Outage

_**Power Outage**_

Link had been walking for a while, and had wandered outside of the fortress.

He sighed as he stared at his reflection in a puddle of well-he wasn't quite sure what it was, but oh well. He had been watching his nose bleed for the past five minutes in the puddle, wondering what to do next.

His pocket vibrated.

"WHAT THE HELL?" He reached into his pocket and pulled out Tetra's stone, grumbling, "Man Tetra, you're like a hemorrhoid! But at least with a hemorrhoid you can just stick medicine on your ass and it leaves you alone! But nothing I put my ass will make you go away will it?" Link asked the stone.

"Uh, ok... I really don't want to know about ANYTHING you shoved up your ass, ok? Well, ANYWAY, in case you haven't noticed, the pig creatures are using those giant search lights to try to catch you! You should shut them down!" Tetra's voice said.

"And _how_, exactly, do you propose I do that?"

Link heard Tetra sigh, "You'll think of something."

"You aren't much help, do you know that?" Link questioned irritably as he pocketed the stone.

The boy walked about blindly, trying to find where he could turn off a searchlight.

His fists clenched as he talked to himself. Link continued along up a slope humming "Jenny From the Block," and when he finally got to the top, there was a ladder, which he slowly climbed. At the top of that was one light thingy machine.

"YES!" Link yelled, and began dancing like NSYNC.

"Graa!" a pig creature like the one before jumped out in front of him with a stick.

"OoOOooh, a stiiiiIIIIiiick, I'm so scaaAAAaared, oh GooooOOOoood, save me, save me!" Link said sarcastically as he laughed.

A minute or so later, Link was pinned to the ground by the animal as he was being mercilessly beaten on the head with its stick.

"AH! I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY! OW! NO FAIR! I DON'T HAVE ANY STICKS, OR MY SWORD! CHEATER!"

Link struggled to escape the pig and his stick, but there was only one way...

Link kicked him straight in the crotch, grabbed the stick, then broke it over the bokoblin's head. The creature screeched and exploded into purple smoke, making Link cough.

"Ew... Wonder what that was..."

He continued along, each time getting bashed in the head with a stick, then turning off the lights.

Soon they were all turned off.

"Well," Link said, standing near the last light, swaying dizzily from the blows to the head, "I did it! I kick ass hard! Yeah baby!"

He started to walk, but stopped.

"Well, I just need to know what to do now."

He looked at the sky, thinking, when his pocket rumbled, causing him to fall down.

"AH!"

"Make your way to the top!" Tetra's voice called.

"Know-it-all!" Link barked, "You act like I'm stupid or something! I'm not stupid! I'm capable of doing this whole damn thing on my own!"

Tetra laughed, "That's veeery funny Link. Indeed. I sure hope that was a joke! You can't be serious!"

He blushed.

"That was _not_ funny! Not funny at all!" he said.

But there was no reply, so Link continued his way through the perilous fortress.


	9. A Short Reunion

_**A Short Reunion**_

Link was now at the top of the fortress.

He leaned against the wall to rest, but then saw a glint of light out of the corner of his eye. He looked at it, only to realize it was his sword!

Filled with excitement, pride and relief, he ran to get it, bending to pick it up.

But Link's pride was short-lived...

"RAH!"

"What the-?"

Link was knocked to the ground by a strong blow from a bokoblin.

This one was different. It was green, and possessed a sword and wooden shield.

The creature lunged at him again, but Link rolled to the side and grabbed his sword. He then climbed to his feet.

"I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD AND I'LL TAKE YOU OUT!" Link yelled, and then stopped, "Damn, I've gotta work on that heroic dialogue..."

The creature jumped at him with its sword, but Link deflected its blow with his own sword.

Link sliced and stabbed at the creature until it disappeared into purple smoke.

"Phew!"

After the brawl, he pushed the door open.

Inside was a cell, and inside that cell was Aryll and two other girls!

Link quickly ran up to his sister.

"BIG BROTHER!" Aryll ran to the edge of a cell.

"Aryll!" Link grinned, "Aryll, I'm so sorr-!"

But Aryll's eyes were focused on something in the sky. She wasn't listening to him.

"Aryll?" Link asked.

"LINK! WATCH OUT!" she screamed.

"Huh? AAAH!"

Link started to back up as the giant bird swooped down, and grabbed him in its beak before he could get away.

"BIG BROTHER!" Aryll wailed.

"ARYLL!"

Link was carried away from Aryll by the massive bird!

The bird flew him to a balcony where a big fat man with green skin and orange hair stared at Link.

Link hung there in confusion and fear, wondering what the man would do.

But all he did was nod, and the bird swung its head, releasing Link and hurtling him into the vast ocean screaming...


	10. Sailing

_**Sailing**_

"Uhn... Am I alive...? W-what happened...?" Link muttered as he awoke feeling dizzy and sore.

He rubbed his eyes, because everything was blurry.

"You finally came around," a voice said.

It wasn't Tetra's. It was obviously a man's voice.

"Eh..." Link grumbled.

"Pull yourself together!"

"Who is it?" he grumbled as he pulled himself into a standing position.

"I did."

Link fell back down again when the boat turned its head around to look him in the eye.

"Oh my God, I _AM_ dead! Or maybe I'm alive, and I got bumped in the head really, _REALLY_ hard!"

"No, you're not dead, your nose is bleeding. You're not crazy either, just stupid. Well, anyway, my name is The King of Red Lions."

_"HAH! YOU AREN'T REAL! HALLUCINATIONS ALWAYS DENY THAT THEY'RE HALLUCINATIONS!" _Link exclaimed.

"Aren't you grateful that I saved _YOUR LIFE_?" the boat said.

"What?" Link asked.

"I witnessed the whole, entire thing."

"You did? What did you see?" Link was curious now.

Had this weirdo been _stalking_ him? I mean, Gonzo was bad enough, but now _this_ lunatic?

"Everything. Such an attempt was courageous, yet foolish..." The boat said.

"Foolish! I am NOT foolish!" Link replied loudly, crossing his arms.

"So, anyway, you were just floating their, unconscious with your nose bleeding, so I came and rescued you, then I brought you here. It's all very simple, you see."

"What about my sister?"

"She remains imprisoned," The King of Red Lions said with a sigh.

"Damn!" Link cursed quietly, staring at the water with a frown.

"That man you saw..."

"The fat guy?" Link asked.

"Yes." The boat replied.

"Soooo...?"

"He's behind all of this. His name is Ganondorf, and he's responsible for the bird, the captured girls, even the way the world is today!"

"I'm starting to lose it... I really got banged in the head pretty damn hard..." Link moaned, rubbing his soar head and closing his eyes.

"You did NOT, I repeat, DID NOT get hit in the head with anything but a few sticks. And maybe the wall. And some more sticks. Oh yeah, and you also hit the floor a few times. Well, anyway, I understand this is all a little much to handle, but you are overreacting."

"Oh, OH, so I'M overreacting, am I? NOTHING LIKE THIS _EVER_ HAPPENED TO YOU! AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, YOU'RE JUST SOME DERANGED HALLUCINATION!" Link cried.

"YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BRAT! DO YOU TREAT EVERYONE LIKE THIS? I SAVED YOUR LIFE, AND YOU GAB MY EAR OFF AND WHINE! YOU'RE JUST PLAIN DIFFICULT!" the boat yelled back.

"(Beeping) boat. Why am I even here anyway? Why did you save my life?" Link questioned.

"Because, you and I are going to save the world from Ganondorf, and we're here so you can buy me a sail."

Link was silent for a moment, "What?"

"You heard me. Now go up there, and find someone to sell you a sail. Get going now!" replied The King of Red Lions.

Link hopped out of the boat.

"Stupid boat, telling ME what to do!" Link muttered to himself.

But he went up to the island to find a sail anyway.

He finally came across a little Eskimo man who told Link of his journey to Windfall.

"Look buddy, do you have a sail?" Link interrupted.

"Yes sir-ee. It's 80 rupees," the merchant said.

"Sure, sure, anything, just please, no more stories!"

Link handed him the money in exchange for the sail.

"Yes, thank you young one! You have helped much! Wait-don't you want to hear about my trip to Cancun?"

But Link had already run far away. He swam back to the boat, and climbed inside.

"Let's get out of here! _RIGHT NOW! _I am so totally nuts!" he cried weakly.

"We're going to save the Great Sea now. You're the world's only hope, and I sense that you have SOME possibilities," The King of Red Lions replied calmly.

"You're doing it again," Link said quietly, looking at the bottom of the boat.

"Doing WHAT?" the boat asked impatiently.

"You're acting COMPLETELY dependant on me!"

"I am not."

"Yes you are!" Link said shrilly.

"So what if I was? Why does it bother you?"

"It's too much pressure! Can't you get someone else to do it?"

"NO! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO FIND YOU? So shut your fat face, and let's set sail! I have marked our destination on the sea chart you now possess."

Link grumbled and struggled to hoist the sail. The wind was blowing in the direction of the island they were supposed to go anyway.

"We're heading to Dragon Roost Island, and please, don't say anything, because when something comes out of your mouth, it's usually a complaint or an insult. You're alarmingly negative." The King of Red Lions said sternly.

"Blah, blah, blah... Why don't you go off and play with yourself or something, and let me get on with my life?" Link muttered, rolling his eyes.

After about 30-60 minutes of quiet sailing, they finally reached an island with an enormous mountain, and a big retarded looking dragon sitting on top. It looks like a volcano of some sort, Link thought as he and The King of Red Lions pulled up on the shore, I guess my journey is just beginning...


	11. The Wind Waker

_**The Wind Waker**_

"It's been nice chattin' with you buddy, but now I have a mission!" Link said, and started to walk away.

"You don't even know what the hell you're doing dumb ass! And besides, I have something to give to you!" the boat said.

Link turned around, "And that would be..."

The boat threw him something and Link caught it.

"A Wind Waker."

"A what?"

"You can control wind with it." The King said.

"Ok..."

Then the boat proceeded to tell Link how to use it. But, of course, he wasn't really listening that much.

After the small lesson, the King nodded to a small island at a distance away that would be easy to swim too.

"I suggest going there to see the God of Wind, Zephos. Then go and visit the Rito Tribe. You'll have to climb the mountain a little bit."

Link hurriedly swam towards the small island.

"I'm sick of water, I'm sick of boats, I'm sick of wind... This sucks," Link said as he reached his destination, and climbed onto it. There were two shrines, but one was broken, so Link went to the one that wasn't and examined it. There appeared to be directions for some Wind Waker song, so Link tried it out.

"That's a nice breeze!" A voice next to Link said.

"HOLY SHIT!" Link jumped a little bit when he saw that a green frog on a green cloud was next to him.

"So you're the new Wind Waker, eh? That song you just played lets you control the direction of the wind! It's called "The Wind's Requiem," The frog said.

"Hey, look buddy, I have no clue what the (beep) you're talking about, you don't know who I am, and I don't know who you are, so let's not go picking labels!"

"Alrighty then. I'm Zephos, you're the new Wind Waker. Now we know each other! Isn't that swell?"

"IT'S LINK! MY NAME IS NOT THE WIND WHATEVER, YOU GOT THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL PAL?"

"Well, you wield the legendary Wind Waker, the magic conductor's baton. Therefore, that makes you the Wind Waker! You are clearly unaware of the powers that you have been so graciously given... Although your dull-wittedness leaves me stunned as to why you were granted with this, I have no say in who is chosen, so I shall learn to respect you," Zephos said calmly.

"That's better. Now no one gets hurt, but I still suggest you lay low for a while Frogger..." Link hissed.

"Be careful at sea though," Zephos said, flying over to the broken shrine.

"My brother, Cyclos, is miffed about his shrine being broken, and he has been creating cyclones at sea to torment travelers. If you see him, tell him to stop pissing people off! And THAT is my request for you!"

Zephos flew away with those last words to Link.

"Hmm. That was strange..." Link said.

He swam back to the main island, and examined the path up the mountain. He then noticed what looked to be a bomb plant on the ground... So he picked it up.

"That's a bomb flower!" The King of Red Lions called.

He paused a moment, "DON'T HOLD ON TO IT, THROW IT YOU IDIOT, OR ELSE IT'LL EXPLODE ON YOU!"

"WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO EARLI-" Link yelled back, but before he could finish his sentence, the bomb blew up in his face, "Er... Ow..."

"I thought you would've known that you can't just stand there, HOLDING A BOMB! AND IT'S OF HUMAN NATURE TO NOT HOLD ON TO EXPLOSIVES, AND IT'S OF BOMB NATURE TO EXPLODE!"

"Well _sor-ry!_" Link said.

"Just get going!" The King replied.

"Hmph!" Link grumbled.

He examined the boulders that were blocking the path, and picked up another bomb flower carefully and quickly, and placed it near the first boulder, being very careful to get far, far away before the bomb exploded.

"Hah hah, yes!" Link cheered, and began to dance.

"You're in public Travolta," The King said.

"Oh yeah..."

Link then continued to place bomb flowers near the boulders, watching them explode proudly.

"I believe you underestimated me, and I think you should apologize," Link said, smiling confidently.

"All you did was blow up some boulders. But I guess along with those boulders, a few more of those not-so-plentiful brain cells of yours exploded too. I am not apologizing to you for anything," The boat replied calmly.

"Well, I assure you, it will become my mission to prove to you that I'm way more powerful than you ever dreamed!" Link declared, turning to face the boat.

"Alright then, show me what you can do. Oh, and by the way, somewhere on this island is a gem called Din's Pearl. You need to get it."

Link, listening to the boat vaguely, noticed that there was a gap in the ground he was standing him, and we would need to cross to the other side. He also noticed a thin ledge like a path, just thin enough for one to get across on. So, with that in mind, Link sidled the wall, and inched his way across, and in under a minute, he was there. With a last sour glare towards the boat, Link continued his way up a small slope/hallway feeling pretty confident. But, he tripped and fell flat on his face.


	12. The Rito Tribe

_**The Rito Tribe**_

As Link finished walking along the short hallway, he saw the postman (whose name, by the way, was Quill.) standing on a balcony-like area overlooking the sea. He sensed Link's presence, and turned around.

"Link? Link...is that really you?" He asked.

"Well, yeah, who'd ya think it was?" Link said.

"You have traveled far for one without wings."

"I guess I did, didn't I?" Link said, grinning and standing a bit straighter.

"And your sister?"

Link looked at the ground next to Quill, suddenly filled with sorrow. "Shut up dammit..." he said quietly.

"Hmm, I see... Listen, I have told the Rito Chieftain of your tale, and we will do all in our power to aid you in your quest, so please, come inside." And with those words, the postman flew inside a building.

Link followed close behind.

Standing in the entrance of the tribe's lair, Link witnessed a group of Ritos gathered in the center of the room. One was hovering in mid-air, wings flapping frantically. There was also Quill, two other Ritos, and the chieftain.

"I am afraid he is out of control. It is unsafe to send the fledglings to him, but we are trying our hardest to calm him," said one of the Ritos.

"I see..." said the Chieftain.

Quill turned and spotted Link eavesdropping in the doorway.

"Here he is Sir."

The other Ritos turned to stare at Link as he walked up to them.

"Ah, yes, Link, Quill has told us about you. We are honored to have such a courageous soul in our presence. We will help you as soon as possible, but at the moment, we have our own troubles to deal with. You see, when a Rito fledgling becomes of age, he or she must venture up the mountain to see the sky spirit, Valoo, and receive one of his scales, so that fledgling can grow their wings. But lately, Valoo has become hostile and unpredictable, and we are unable to send our fledglings up to him, and if they do not get their wings, our very way of life as we know it is threatened," said the chieftain.

Link yawned and examined his fingernails, "Why should I care?" he said boredly.

The small group of Ritos looked at each other.

"What about your son?" Quill whispered to the Chieftain.

"Oh yes, that's right! My son, Komali, is of age to earn his wings. But in the light of the current situation, he is close to losing all hope of ever getting them," The chieftain said, handing Link a letter, "Please give him this letter, and tell him to be strong."

Link took the letter, "How much are you paying me?"

"How's 10 rupees sound?" The Chieftain offered.

"15 rupees is my final offer."

"It's a deal."

Then Quill handed him a mail bag thingy.

"You can keep letters and such in this. Use it well," he said, handing it to Link, "Oh yes, and a Rito girl named Medli requested to talk to you. You should find her in one of the upper rooms."

Quill said, walking away.

"This sucks," Link muttered, stuffing the letter in the mail bag so it became crumpled.

Link found his way to Komali's bedroom, where the young prince sat on his bed, holding a large pearl in his lap. He stared down at it, looking depressed.

"Hey, kid!" Link barked, and pulled the beaten up letter from the mail bag, "This is for you! CATCH!"

Link balled up the paper and threw it to Komali. Except he didn't catch it, and it bounced off his head and fell on the floor.

"Oops, missed!" Link said.

"HEY! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR YOU RETARD?" Komali hissed.

"Woah, calm down, my aim was just a bit off!"

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"

Link thought for a moment, "Komoomoo, right?"

"NO! MY NAME IS KOMALI!"

"I suppose my guess was off too, right?" Link said, shrugging, "Well, that's not the point. I'm here to tell you to chill out, and not to give up hope, stuff like that."

"You and my father have no idea what I'm going through. I've heard about you. And nothing I've heard has been good, for instance. I've heard that you're a prostitute, an arsonist, and you make out with squirrels..."

"So what if those things are-WAIT A MINUTE, I NEVER MADE OUT WITH A SQUIRREL! Well, maybe once, but only because I had been...uh...kind of...and sort of felt...well, then I went a bit out of control...and... Oh, nevermind, it's one of those things you do but don't talk about! And I-I'm not a prostitute, or an arsonist!" Link lied, and then stared at the pearl, "What's that thing?"

"This is Din's Pearl. My grandmother gave it to me before she died, and it gives me courage when I hold it."

Din's Pearl! Link thought. Hadn't the boat said something about it?

Komali watched Link stare, "You can't have it you know."

"And why not, may I ask?" Link replied, starting to lose his patience, not that he had much to begin with.

"Because, you're a (beeping) retard."

Link gripped the base of the sword, "Oh, you're asking for it tweety, you're asking for it..." He was about to pull out his sword when a hand grabbed him and pulled him out of the room.

"ACK!" Link yelped.

A Rito girl dragged him up to the second floor of the building and into a room.

"What was that for? I was just about to fix the problem!" Link said.

"You weren't about to fix any problems, you were about to kill Prince Komali!" The girl replied, "I'm Medli, and I was waiting to hear from you, but you never showed up!"

"I was too busy dealing with that pain in the ass!"

"You need to calm down. Look, I was wondering if you could help me with something."

Link sighed, "What?"

"You heard about our troubles with the Great Valoo, right?" Medli asked.

"Uh, yeah, I think so..."

"Well, I'm going to do some secret investigating... You know, see if I can fix the problem. And I need you to help me get there. But you cannot tell ANYBODY. Got it? Will you help me?"

"Depends... How much are you paying me?" Link said with a smile.

"PAY YOU? This is something you do out of the goodness of your heart!"

The boy gave Medli a look.

"Oh right... You certainly don't have a heart of gold, do you? Well, then how does 10 rupees sound?"

"Hmm... Not as good as 30 rupees."

"Fine, fine, for 30 rupees! Will you help me NOW?" Medli asked shrilly.

"I guess so..." Link replied reluctantly.

"Great! Meet me at Dragon Roost Spring in a few minutes. Ok?"

"Got it." Link said with a nod.


	13. Dragon Roost Spring

_**Dragon Roost Spring**_

Link went and collected the 15 rupees that the chieftain owed him, and then headed to the cavern to help Medli and get 30 more rupees.

The spring was dried up, and extremely windy. When he came in, he was sort of standing on a small cliff. Beneath that there was a small pool of water with a huge boulder in the middle. Next to him were some dried bomb flowers, and near the small pond stood Medli.

Link jumped off the ledge.

"OUCH!" he said, landing on his ass.

"There was a ladder you know," said Medli.

"Uh...I knew that!"

"I need to get up there," Medli said, pointing to another ledge at the other end of the cavern, "But I can't do it alone. I need you to pick me up and throw me, so I can get the wind under my wings. Got it?"

"Yeah. But when do I get my 30 rupees?"

Medli hastily handed the money to him, "There you go."

"Good. Now let's get this over with," Link replied.

He picked Medli up, and carried her over to a small, raised piece of land nearby.

"Ugh!" he grunted, throwing her as hard as he could.

"AH! OUCH!" Medli screamed as she hit the wall and fell to the ground.

Link walked over to her.

"It wasn't my fault that happened!"

Medli stumbled a bit, "Eh, so dizzy!"

"HEY! I WAS TALKING TO YOU!"

The Rito girl shook her head, "I know it wasn't your fault, so chill! The wind isn't going in the right direction."

"Well that sucks. I still get to keep the money, right?"

"You have the Wind Waker! You can change the wind's direction!"

"Oh yeah, that's right. But it'll cost extra for me to play it!"

"Don't you care about my tribe? Our way of life is threatened!"

"Oh, I do care. I care about your tribe's dough!"

"Fine, will you do it for 5 rupees?"

"Ten."

"Alright," Medli said with a sigh, handing Link the money.

Link excepted it with a grin. In about an hour, he had earned 55 rupees, and was pretty damn proud.

He then strained to remember the song he had learned, "Oh...uh...hmmm... That's right!"

Link successfully played the song, and changed the wind's direction.

"Ok, let's try again," Medli said.

Link picked her up again, stood on the higher bit of land, and threw Medli as hard as he could for the second time.

Medli extended her wings and flew to the other ledge with much success.

"I DID IT!" Medli yipped gleefully.

"Yep."

"Don't worry about me!"

"Who's worried?" Link said in a bored tone.

"Remember-DON'T TELL ANYONE! Got it?"

"Got it."

Medli then started to walk away.

"Oh! I almost forgot! Here!" Medli said, and threw an empty bottle down to Link, who caught it.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" replied a disappointed Link.

"I don't know. It's all I have to give you besides money," Medli said with a shrug, then walked away.

Link glared, "Stupid bottle."

He sat and thought. Medli was obviously pretty weak, and would need a lot of help. If he gave her the help she needed, then she could pay him. And there was nothing left to do back at the tribe's building...

Link decided that there was one thing to do-follow Medli.

"But how?" he asked himself and sighed...

The ladder leading up to the second ledge was broken... Link wasn't tall enough to reach the part that remained standing.

He looked at the bottle, and thought of the dried bomb flowers near the spring's entrance, and the boulder that seemed to be plugging the spring... He suddenly got an idea! Using the bottle, he scooped up some of the spring's remaining water and carried it up near the entrance. He poured the water on the bomb flowers, which quickly flourished into what they should be.

"Yes!"

Link picked up a bomb flower, baring in mind not to hold it too long this time, and launched it at the boulder, which appeared to be plugging the spring. The boulder exploded, and the spring quickly flourished. The water was deep enough to help him reach the other ladder. All he had to do was swim across!

He quickly jumped into the water and made the swim to the other side. Link climbed up the ladder.

"Ha ha, I got it! I'm too good to be true!" Link cheered, taking his hat off and running a hand through his hair.

He turned around.

"Oh shit..." He moaned and sank to his knees.

Before him stood a lava pit. Inside the lava were two statues against the walls, each one holding a pot. They were positioned on the sides of the walls, both of them facing inward.

"Now how am I gonna get across THIS?" Link asked himself.

It seemed impossible to get across. Link cussed quietly, not sure of what to do next.

He looked at a small group of bomb flowers next to him, and out of sheer anger, he picked one up and through it at the statue nearest him.

"GR!"

It landed in the pot that the statue held, and exploded.

Surprisingly, the statue fell forward from the explosion, making a platform. Maybe this wasn't so impossible after all!

Maybe if he grabbed another bomb flower, jumped on the newly made platform, and then put the bomb in the next pot, he could get across. Link prepared to execute his plan.

He picked up the bomb flower, and jumped on the platform, but lost his balance, and fell into the lava.

"ACK!" Link yelped, jumping high into the air as he burned his ass.

The bomb flower, meanwhile, miraculously sailed into the pot, and the statue fell, making a second platform just as Link had intended to do.

"Oh..." Link moaned, waking up a few minutes later on the cold ground.

He swore loudly as he slowly climbed to his feet. His ass burned, and he figured it would be hard to sit down for a long time. His gaze fell upon the second platform he had made.

"I rock hard dude!" He said, filled with foolish pride.

He walked across the platforms to the other side, and walked up some stairs. A doorway stood before him, and Link hesitated.

Do I dare go onward? He thought.

"Oh, what the heck."

Link walked into the doorway


	14. Dragon Roost Cavern

_**Dragon Roost Cavern**_

The place Link entered was very dark.

"This really sucks..."

He had entered a room where a few, gargoyle-like blocks sat blocking a doorway. He figured he'd have to push them aside to get to wherever Medli was.

He needed to find Medli. She meant something very, very important to him-she meant MONEY.

So Link headed towards the blocks, and pulled them aside.

Success!

He went through the new doorway.

He stared through the darkness, and saw some stairs leading downward, so he began to follow them.

"RAAAAAH!" A familiar screech sounded through Link's ears.

He felt a burning sensation on his chest as the wind got knocked out of him.

"AH!" Link stared up as he gasped for air, and saw two bokoblins (the pig creatures) growling at him, each one baring a flaming stick.

"DAMMIT! I'M GONNA (Beeping) KILL YOU!" Link shouted hoarsely, and drew his sword as he jumped to his feet.

He spun around and slashed with his sword, hitting one of the creatures. The one who suffered the blow fell back against the ground.

Link stabbed at the other one, missed and was beaten in the head with the stick.

"ER!" He yelped.

Soon both bokoblins were at him again.

Link jumped into the air and brought his sword down upon the two creatures, disarming both of them.

He ran at the two creatures, and slaughtered them with a few good stabs and slashes with his sword. They both disappeared in a puff of purple smoke. In their places lay two butterfly necklaces called joy pendants. Link picked them up, figuring that maybe he could sell them...

He leaned against the wall. He could hardly breathe, so he remained there for a while. This whole "fighting" business wasn't his thing, and he wasn't sure how he would get by.

His eyes had adjusted to the dark, and he caught sight of a lit brazier. Its flames were large and bright. There was also a doorway with a lock. Near that was a platform with a brazier on both sides.

"I wonder what that's all about... This place is pretty messed up." Link said.

He gazed at one of the sticks that the bokoblins had used on him. It was still lit, flickering away...

Link picked it up, and lit the two empty braziers. He figured that if he could bring a little light into the room, he could find another door, because he obviously wasn't going to get through the locked one. After lighting the braziers, a treasure chest appeared on the platform.

"Welllll... That was pretty, uh, weird..." Link muttered with his brow raised.

He kicked it open, and inside was a key!

"If only that stupid boat could see me now... Heh heh!"

He took the key, and unlocked the door.

It was considerably brighter in the next room, but the glow the place possessed was one that Link dreaded-it was the glow of fire.

There was a boarded up entrance to some other room or something before him, but the wood looked weak and highly breakable. He broke it with his sword, and ran onward.

"WOAH!" Link said, stopping quickly.

He had almost fallen right off the edge, and into a large, flaming pit of lava...

He gulped.

"Someone please kill me..."

The area he stood in now was a large cave. The temperature was somewhere in the hundreds, and it made Link feel tired, dizzy, and weak.

"Whew..." He panted.

He saw a wooden path to his left, and decided to follow it. It led to a long wooden bridge in the middle of the room. Two bat-like creatures called keese surrounded the bridge.

"This is all The King of Red Lions' fault..." Link muttered, and pulled out his "People to Kill" list and added the boat's name to it, even though he wasn't sure if it was possible to "kill" a boat.

Link began to walk across the bridge. The two keese lunged at him, and he hit them with his sword. In two puffs of purple smoke, they were gone.

At the end of the bridge, a boulder blocked yet another doorway. Using two bomb flowers near him, Link blew it up, and entered the new room.

He entered a room that was mostly lava. He was standing on a piece of land. There was another piece of land across from where he was standing, and one diagonally from his.

There was also a series of jars on shelves.

Being that he was having money withdrawal, he decided to break them open with his sword.

"WHAT THE-?" Link gasped as water spilled out of the jar he broke.

"AW, CRUD, JUST SOME STUPID WATER? NO MONEY?"

Being very frustrated, Link picked up another jar and threw it into the lava. It made a platform!

"Kick ass..." He muttered.

Link jumped onto the platform. To his left was a treasure chest, and ahead was a ladder leading to another door.

He went to the treasure chest to see if there was money there.

"Just a stupid map! Aw, come ON!"

Link picked up the map, ripped it up, and through it into the lava.

"Shit!"

He headed to the next bit of land. A red, gelatinous creature fell down.

"Ok..." Link said nervously as he backed up.

This creature was called a ChuChu, and it had been sent by Ganondorf, like most of the harmful creatures Link ran into.

He couldn't back up any further. Link clutched his sword tightly.

"Crap, I'm doomed!"

The creature sank low to the ground and sprang up, hitting Link.

"ACK!"

Link defensively used his sword against the ChuChu, and defeated it.

He climbed the ladder, and hastily left the room.

The next room was dark and dank. Link cautiously walked forward, sword in hand, palms sweating.

This whole thing was pretty traumatizing.

"RAAAAH!"

The cry of a bokoblin sounded throughout the room, but this time, Link was prepared. He blocked the creature's blow with his sword.

WHOOSH!

After a couple of moves with his sword, the creature was slain. The boy picked up its sword.

Some tough-looking wood blocked Link's path.

"EEEERRRRAAAAHHHH!" He screamed of frustration, and hit the wood with his sword.

The wood broke, and Link broke more boards to get a key, and he proceeded to exit the room.

"Aw man..." Link groaned as he found himself in the main cave.

He began to sweat like crazy from the heat.

He looked to the left, breathing deeply and slowly. There was a wooden ledge, but another boulder was blocking it, so Link couldn't sidle across. Two bomb flowers grew on the wall next to it.

"DRAT!" Link shouted, picking up a nearby rock and chucking it at the bombs. They exploded, and blew up the bomb too.

"Wow! No one is cooler than me! Yeah baby!" He cheered, and began to dance. NSYNC style.

It seemed that whenever he did something out of anger or frustration, it solved his problems!

Link sidled the wall, and made his way to the next room.

A bokoblin attacked him immediately, and yet again, Link was prepared. He battled the creature until it exploded into a puff of purple smoke.

Link turned to face a brazier near him, then he looked down at the stick the bokoblin had used to attack him.

His eyes fell upon an entry way blocked by boards.

He used the brazier to light the stick, and then he burnt the boards. Behind them he found a switch, which he stepped on and unlocked a new door.

Link was surprised to find that the new door led him outside. He shut his eyes against the light, and sucked in a deep breath of air.

How good it felt to be outdoors!

He sat down for a couple of minutes so he could rest.

Link took this time to notice a ladder next to him.

Not knowing what else to do, he began to climb it.

"WOAH!" Link yelped as he fell off the ladder and back onto the ground.

He had been startled by a burst of flames that had shot out from the mountain wall, and nearly burned him.

Link was really beginning to hate fire right about now.

He quickly climbed the ladder before more flames could come out, and found himself near a ledge that he could sidle, and that's exactly what he did.

Only this time, he was aware of another hole in the wall, which had the same cause.

Link waited until the flames had shot out and went back in again, and then he finished crossing the wall.

He found himself at what appeared to be a dead end.

"No..." Link said weakly, falling to his knees and staring into space with confusion.

A dead end... What was he to do now?

He looked to his left... There was a boulder. And usually behind boulders, there was a door!

Link also noted to himself that there was a ledge near that, and a ladder after that...

"Oops. I guess I didn't notice that..." He said, slightly embarrassed.

Since the ledge was thin, he would have to hand-grab his way across it to get to the ladder.

After doing that, he climbed the ladder, and found a bomb flower! He threw it below, and it blew up the boulder.

And as he had hoped, there was a door.

Link jumped back down, and walked into the door.

There were nine stacked blocks in the room the door led to.

It appeared to be some sort of puzzle.

With a couple of pushes and pulls, Link had fixed the blocks so he could climb them and get through the door they led to.

In the next room, Link had to climb a ledge. He broke a vase full of sticks, and lit one of them on a brazier.

Across the room was another ledge, but it was boarded up with wood.

If only he could...

YES!

With much success, Link through the flaming stick across the room, therefore setting fire to the boards.

At the other end of the room was a treasure chest containing a key.

Link used it to unlock a door, and exit the room.

Yet again, he found himself outside. There was a narrow cliff, and at its end in a nest, sat a large, evil bird called a Kargorok.

Link held his sword at the ready as he approached it.

"Here birdy birdy... Easy..." He said, pointing his blade at the kargorok.

"Rooorp!" The bird screeched, and began to attack Link.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" He screamed as he got pecked in the chest.

It knocked him to the ground with great force.

He couldn't get up! The kargorok had hit him almost as hard as it could with its sharp beak, and the pain was intense.

The bird was sailing high into the air, preparing to lunge...

Breathing hard, Link used all the energy he could to roll to the side when the bird came down, and luckily, he made it out of the way.

As the bird struggled to remove it's beak from the ground, Link slowly climbed to his feet with a pained groan.

The bird was free, and it went for him again, but Link stabbed it twice, and like every other villain, it vanished in a puff of smoke.

With a few shuddering breaths, Link collapsed to the ground, both hands on his wounded chest.

"I...hate...birds!" he gasped.

After laying there for a while, Link felt that the pain had vanished enough, and he got to his feet.

While examining his chest, he found a deep gash that spread all over.

"THIS IS THE WORST BIRTHDAY EVER!" Link yelled angrily.

He walked to the bird's nest. Inside of it was a single golden feather.

That was it. Just a feather!

Link growled, taking out his "People to Kill" notebook, and put a big start next to "The King of Red Lions." This meant that he would try to kill him as soon as possible.

Taking the feather, Link headed into the next room.

This one was the darkest one yet. It was hard to see, even if he did squint. The only source of light was yet another lit brazier.

In the glow of the light, Link spotted a jar of sticks. He picked one up, and lit it. He could now see, and slowly went onward down a hall.

Angry twittering noises made Link jump, and he turned to see an angry army of keese coming at him!

"Rah!" Link yelled, taking out the keese effortlessly with his torch.

He then used it to light a dark brazier in the middle of the room.

It didn't make anything new appear, but it sure did help him see.

He could now make out another boarded up doorway. He set it on fire with his stick.

It revealed another hallway, where Link had to light more braziers. Once they were lit, a new door unlocked itself, and he found himself in a room full of jars. There was also a ladder with a barred door.

CLANK!

Link turned, only to see the door he had come in from bar itself up too.

"That can't be good..." He muttered.

Link began to search the vases.

"RAAAAH!" called a bokoblin.

Link was getting pretty annoyed with that noise.

He defeated that bokoblin, and many others appeared from vases.

Soon they were all slain, and that caused the barred doors to open.

In the next room, there was a lot of lava, and near the area where he came in from, floating in the lava, was a platform.

But that wasn't the part that interested Link. It was the large, wormlike creature crawling around on the platform that caught his eye.

It was hideous. It had pinchers, and one, big, unblinking eye in the middle. The magtail, as it was called, appeared to be on fire too.

More water jars sat behind Link.

"I wonder..." He muttered.

He decided to see what would happen if he threw one of the jars at the magtail.

He grabbed a jar, and ran onto the platform. The magtail rose up, and opened its pinchers, ready to bite Link as it screeched.

He dodged the attack, and threw the water filled jar at it.

The magtail turned gray and curled into a tight ball.

Link followed his impulse to slice it with his sword, and after five blows, it turned into purple smoke and vanished.

FWWWWWWWWWOOOOOSH!

A spout of lava shot high into the air, only a few feet away from where Link was standing. The spout flew upward, where there was obviously another floor.

"Hmm..." Link sighed, and began to think.

He recalled a room sort of like this before... He threw a water-filled jar, and a platform appeared.

Maybe if he threw a jar at the spout, it would create a platform he could use to ride up to the next floor!

It was worth a try.

Link executed his plan successfully.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, holding on as tight as he could to the platform.

Link jumped onto the wooden ledge that awaited him.

"Well, there's something I never want to do again..." he muttered.

The new room had two boulders. Lava was all over the middle of the room, and there was another area with a magtail, stairs, and a large door with a fancy lock. But seeing as he couldn't get over there, Link decided to deal with the boulders. Luckily, there were some bomb flowers. The first bomb he blew up didn't really hide anything put a large, bubbling warp pot. The next one had another door, which led, once again, outside.

Link felt apprehensive about being out here again. He remembered the kargorok, and the memory made him feel the cut on his chest again.

He winced.

"I've got to watch out for those things..." Link said quietly to himself, his hand resting on the wounded area.

There was a stone staircase to his right, leading upward.

Link decided to follow it.

Soon after he began to walk on it, the stairs began to crumble.

Link yelped, and ran as fast as he could up the stairs and onto firm ground.

He turned around, and saw that there were no longer any stairs.

"Man, that was pretty damn close... Things just don't get any easier, do they?" He said with frustration.

Link walked into an enclosed area.

"Medli!" he gasped.

There she was, standing hopelessly in a cell.

"Link-! Watch out!"

"Huh?"

A green bokoblin identical to the one he encountered in the Forsaken Fortress.

"(Beep!)"

Link paced himself as the creature ran at him.

"Uh!"

Link blocked the bokoblin's sword attack with his shield.

After it was vanquished, two kargoroks flew above, each holding a moblin (the big pig creatures from the Forsaken Fortress.) in its talons.

"Gruh!" the moblins grunted, coming at Link, both of them possessing a staff.

The moblins were harder to defeat than the bokoblin, and Link had to suffer a couple of bruises before defeating them.

The bars of Medli's cell slowly lifted.

She was free!

"Oh, Link, thank you! You saved me!"

"Yeah, I know, I did pretty good, didn't I? That'll be 50 rupees."

Medli frowned, "Come now, it wasn't worth THAT much!"

Link's eyes narrowed, "Do you know what I had to go through to get this far?" he hissed.

"No, I can't say I do..."

Link showed her every bruise, scratch, and scrape he got.

Well, only in the appropriate places.

"Wow, I had no idea..." Medli said, a bit of sympathy in her voice.

"So do I get the 50 rupees?" he asked hopefully.

"No." Medli said flatly.

"What?" Link was outraged.

"No, dammit!"

Link made a puppy face, "Please?"

"I'm sorry," Medli replied, putting her hand up.

"Please?"

"No!" She yelled.

"Pleeeaaase?" Link begged.

"NO!"

"Oh, come on!"

"Fine, fine, here you go!" Medli said in an annoyed tone, handing Link the money.

"HOORAY!" Link cheered, and began to dance like NSYNC again.

"Please...stop that." Medli said, watching him.

"Ok."

"Listen-I found out that some creature has been doing awful things to the Great Valoo's tail in the room right below here!"

"Hm, sucks for him." Link said with a shrug.

"Link! You have to stop it!" Medli begged.

"For...?" Link asked expectantly.

"100 rupees."

"It's a deal!" Link said, grinning from ear to ear and shaking Medli's hand.

Medli handed Link a grappling hook.

"This is what we Rito used before we evolved wings. It might come in handy for you."

"Ok... Whatever..." Link said, not particularly grateful.

"You need to use it to get out of here. Follow me!" Medli said as she flew into the air.

Link climbed up the ledge.

"Wasn't there an easier way to get up here?"

"Yeah-the stairs!" Medli said with a chuckle, "You're not too bright, are you?"

Link turned bright red, "Just shut the (beep) up, ok? If you keep this up, I won't help your (beeping) village!"

"Ok, ok." Medli agreed.

Medli was standing atop a long, thick, stick-like bar protruding from the wall. She told Link how to use the grappling hook.

"Ok..." Link said. He threw the end of the grappling hook at the bar. It successfully wrapped around it, and Link swung over the gap.

"You keep going, ok? I'm going to go tell the chieftain what I have discovered!" Medli said, and flew away.

"That's it? You're just gonna leave me here?" Link yelled.

But Medli was already gone.

He added Medli's name to his list.

Link went on angrily to the next room. "Stupid bird bitch..."

He found himself on a bridge over lava.

Link gulped, and looked down.

Luckily, he discovered, it wasn't all lava. There was a bit of land below him.

If he could just get down there...

Link came up with a plan. He could cut the ropes hoisting the bridge up, and then fall to the land below.

SNAP!

After cutting the ropes, the bridge remained suspended in the air.

"What the hell?" Link said.

He took a step forward, trying to see if he had missed any.

He fell to the bottom with a scream.

"Ow... That wasn't as graceful as I would've liked it to be, but at least it worked..." He said quietly to himself.

After that room, he found himself, yet again, in the main cave.

He walked into what appeared to be some sort of cage... The floor of it was a platform, being held up by three ropes.

Flames shot up and licked the bottom of the platform. If Link cut the ropes, than the platform would be like sort of an elevator.

He used a spin attack to cut all three ropes at the same time.

Link fell to the bottom. There was another platform, and he climbed onto that one. It took him upward, where he could get on solid ground.

Link jumped off the platform.

Behind him was a barred door, and in front of him, high up on the cave's ceiling, was another grappling hook point.

But this one was different-it appeared to be some sort of lever, or a switch.

He decided to hook the grappling hook on the lever, and maybe his body weight could pull it down. Then Link would see what the lever did.

The plan worked perfectly. And luckily, the barred door opened!

"YES!" Link cheered, and ran through the door.

He used his grappling hook to travel through the next room. It wasn't too hard, but it did take a lot of hand-eye coordination.

Link found himself in a room with another magtail. There was also a platform, with a beautifully carved chest in the middle, but the chest was surrounded by flames.

The switch he saw near the platform probably stopped the flames.

Link stepped on it, and his theory was right, but when he got off, the flames started back up again.

His attention focused on the magtail. After Link had thrown the jar of water at the other one, it curled into a tight ball.

There were no jars of water in this room though.

The magtail came closer. It spotted Link, and reared up, pinchers open.

He dodged its attack.

"Ok, what do I do now, WHAT DO I DO NOW?" Link began to panic.

He looked at his grappling hook. It had a long distance range, and he could use it to hit the creature's eye when it opened its pinchers. After a couple of tries, it worked, and the creature balled up. Link picked it up, and set it on the switch.

He quickly grabbed what was in the chest, and backed up before he even had a chance to see what it was.

Once he was a safe distance way, Link looked at the object.

It was a large, heavy key! It was amazing looking. It was golden with an eye engraved at the top.

It reminded Link of the fancy locked door he saw before saving Medli.

Maybe this key belonged to that door!

He backtracked to the room with the lock, and used his grappling hook to get to the door.

The key fit perfectly!

Link cautiously walked into the next room, a strange, heavy feeling of apprehension locked up inside of him...


	15. Gohma

**_Gohma_**

A big pool of lava sat in the middle of the room.

Things seem ok here... Link thought.

He looked up and saw a strange thing hanging from a hole in the ceiling...

"Uh-oh..." Link said faintly.

It was the Great Valoo's tail!

Medli said that there was a creature in this room that was doing harmful things to that tail...

At that moment, a monstrous bug-like creature rose from the depths of the lava!

It was at least 50 feet tall, and sort of resembled a magtail, only it wasn't on fire.

This creature's name was Gohma.

It screeched, and dug its claw-like arms in the ground on both sides of Link.

The ground rumbled, and Link fell backward.

"Hey-!"

Its large eye was only two feet away from him, and it was as big as he was!

Gohma reared up again to an upright position.

"Ok, what do I do here!" Link said in a shaky tone as he trembled with panic and exhaustion.

"AAH!" Link yelped in pain as a large claw came down and scratched him.

There had to be someway to kill this bitch!

But how?

Or at least there should be a way to escape!

The dragon's tail resembled a grappling hook point!

Of course! He used his new item on the tail.

Maybe Link could escape the attacks if he was in the air. It was possible that Gohma couldn't hit him from the air. All it did was stare at him with that big, hideous eye, waiting for him to fall down...

And that's exactly what happened.

Link slipped off the rope, and both he and the grappling hook fell onto the ground.

He slid, and hit the wall.

Link waited for the creature to attack, but it didn't.

A large rock had fallen on top of Gohma, cracking its shell.

But it got enough strength to lift the rock back into place.

Link grinned.

"So that's the catch, eh?" he said, beginning to understand how to do this.

His grappling hook wrapped around the dragon's tail.

Link swung to the other end of the room, and dropped to the ground, more gracefully this time.

The same thing happened. The rock fell, and cracked Gohma's shell even more.

One more hit from the rock should do it! Link thought.

Swoosh!

The grappling hook whisked through the air and got a nice hold on the end of the spiky tail.

For the third time, Link used the grappling hook to swing to the opposite side of the room.

He landed on his hands and knees, and watched the rock fall and break Gohma's shell off!

"YES!"

But the creature was not dead. All the attack had done was break the outer shell.

The creature had caught on to Link's plan. It stayed only a few feet away from him, its eye staring at him with anger.

Gohma was too close, and Link couldn't get his grappling hook to the tail of Valoo.

"Uh..."

Link backed up slowly.

"OWWW!" he screamed in pain as Gohma hit him with its claw, scraping Link's leg.

It began to bleed.

"(Beeping) BITCH!" he shouted, throwing the metal part of his grappling hook at the creature's eye.

That seemed to do a lot of damage!

Link began to slash the eyeball with his sword.

He repeated this once more, and Gohma reared up, screeching in pain.

It stiffened, and then exploded.

Gohma's head landed next to Link, who jumped to the side and squealed like a scared little school girl.

"EW! GROSS!"

Valoo instantly began to calm down.

"Wow... I killed it!" Link said, "I saved an entire village from destruction! And what really makes me feel good inside is the fact that I did it for 100 rupees! Now I'm going to get all that money! WOOHOO!"

He spotted a little swirling gust of wind in the middle of the room, sort of like a mini tornado, and walked into it.

"AH!"

It began to spin, and then it vanished into thin air with Link inside of it.


	16. A Heartfelt Apology

_**A Heartfelt Apology**_

The gust carried him to the front part of the island where The King of Red Lions sat in the water, waiting.

"Woah…." Link said.

He was feeling nauseous from all the spinning, and stumbled once he was on solid ground.

"Link!"

He turned to see Medli and Prince Komali who was holding Din's Pearl.

Medli handed Link the 100 rupees she owed him for helping The Great Valoo.

"Sweet!" Link said with a grin.

"Isn't there something you wanted to say, Prince Komali?" Medli asked the young Rito.

"I'm sorry I was so mean to you…. You did a great thing today, so thanks," Komali said, handing Link the pearl, "Take this. Maybe giving you the thing I value most will give me enough courage to stand up to things. Now I'm going to head up that mountain, and get the best pair of wings you've ever seen! Oh yeah, and Link?"

"What?"

"PYSCHE!" Komali yelled, and kicked Link in the crotch as hard as he could then ran away laughing.

Link fell to the ground, moaning in pain.

"DUDE, YOU PRACTICALLY SHATTERED MY-"

"I am so sorry about that Link! I guess he's just overexcited," Medli said quickly.

"OH, THE PAIN!" Link screamed.

"Hurry up!" called The King of Red Lions.

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU STUPID BOAT!" Link screeched.

"Are you ok?" Medli asked.

The pain added to the nausea, and Link threw up all over Medli.

"EW! THAT'S DISGUSTING, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" She yelled.

"Dammit, then you should have stood further away!" Link barked.

Medli ran off after Komali.

"I have to go clean this off…. Oh, ew, this is just too gross!" she said as she strode away.


	17. Preparing for Departure

_**Preparing For Departure**_

"We must go South to Forest Haven where we will find Farore's Pearl," said the King of Red Lions.

"Please tell me it's uninhabited…. Please…." Link said faintly, laying stiffly inside the boat.

He was in a lot of pain, and was exhausted.

"Get up Link, we need to get going!" The King replied.

Link moaned.

"Look, do you want to save your sister or not?"

Link thought about his little sister for a moment. He didn't even get to apologize to Aryll, and that fact made him feel worse. He had to save her no matter how much pain he was in!

He finished adding Komali's name to his list, then tried his best to sit up, and managed to do so slowly.

"Oh…." He groaned.

"Stop acting so whiney! It's not that bad," The King of Red Lions said.

"Not that bad? NOT THAT BAD! YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU MOTHER (BEEPER)! IT _IS_ THAT BAD! I CAN'T FEEL MY ASS FOR GOODNESS SAKES! DON'T YOU TELL ME THAT IT'S NOT SERIOUS!" Link cried shrilly.

"Ok, ok! Can you at least steer me? Or is that too much pain?"

"I think I can do that..." Link grumbled.

He got to his feet at last, and hoisted the sail.

Link grabbed the tiller.

"Oh wait, we can't go yet!" The boat said.

"Why…not?" Link growled through clenched teeth.

"The wind is blowing to the North. We need it to go to the South!"

Link played The Wind's Requiem.

"There. I did it. Are you happy now? Can we get out of here?" Link asked impatiently.

"Yes, we can go now." The boat replied.

The boat started to move, and Link sat down.

"So, um, do you still think you're either hallucinating or dead?" The boat asked, trying to make conversation.

"No, I'm only HALF DEAD." Link replied irritably.

"Mm hm. Well, did you make any new friends?"

Link just gave the King of Red Lions a look, "Hm, I dunno, did it LOOK like I did?"

Then his nose began to bleed for no reason, "Just my luck!"

"Why did your nose start bleeding?" the boat asked.

"I have no (beeping) clue…."


	18. Out on the Open Sea

_**Out on the Open Sea**_

"I was so high I did not recognize, the fire burning in her eyes, the chaos that controlled my mind…. Whispered goodbye as she got on the plane, never to return again, but always in my heart…. Oh! This love has taken its toll on me, she said goodbye, too many times before! And her heart is breakin' in frooont of me, but I have no choice, 'cause I want say goodbye anymore!" Link sang.

"Please stop." The King said in an annoyed tone.

"I tried my best to feed her appetite, keep her coming every night, so hard to keep her satisfied…. Oh! Kept playin' love like it was just a game, pretending to feel the same, then turn around and leave again!"

"Ok, I've heard enough now!" The King of Red Lions growled.

"Oh! This love has taken its toll on me, she said goodbye, too many times before! And her heart is breakin' in frooont of me, but I have no choice, 'cause I won't say goodbye anymore! I'll fix these broken things! Repair your broken wings! And make sure everything's alright. My pressure on your hips, sinkin' my fingertips, into every inch of you, 'cause I know that's what you want me to do!"

"SHUT THE (BEEP) UP!"

"This love has taken its toll on me, she said goodbye, too many befoooooore! And her heart is breakin' in front of me, but I have no choice, 'cause I want say goodbye any-"

"DID YOU HEAR ME? I SAID STOP SINGING! THAT'S ENOUGH NOW, SO SHUT UP YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

Link stopped singing.

"Well, you don't have to be so mean about it…." He grumbled.

"I already told you to stop singing fifteen times! I barely made it through "She Will be Loved", "Pieces of Me", "Take My Breath Away", and "Story of a Girl". "This Love" is where I draw the line, ok?"

"I like those songs! And besides, what do you have against "This Love" anyway?" Link asked in a rather defensive tone.

"I just don't like it! Can't we just play the quiet game again? You still haven't won that yet!" The King insisted.

"That game sucks..." Link replied, rolling his eyes.

The boat did not reply.

Link looked up at the sky to see dark clouds rolling in.

"That can't be good," the boy murmured with a gulp.

"What?" The King asked impatiently.

"It looks like it's going to rain!" Link said.

"Are you afraid of thunder or something?"

"No, it's not that, it might mess up my hair!" Link groaned.

"Oh, get over yourself. It's just hair!" The boat said.

"But it's not just any hair. It's _my_ hair!" Link said, running a hand through it.

There was a long moment of silence.

"Debbie just hit the wall, she never had it all. One Prozac a day, husband's a CPA. Her dreams went out the door...! When she turned twenty-four. Only been with one man. What happened to her plan? She was gonna be an actress! She was gonna be a star. She was gonna shake her ass! On the hood of White Snake's car. Her yellow SUVVVV...! Is now the enemy. Looks at her average life. And nothin' has been alright. SPRINGSTEIN, MADDONNA, WAY BEFORE NIRVANA! THERE WAS U2, AND BLONDIE, AND MUSIC STILL ON MTV! HER TWO KIDS, IN HIGHSCHOOL, TELL HER THAT SHE'S UNCOOL. BUT SHE'S STILL PREOCCUPIED... WITH NINETEEN, NINETEEN, NINETEEN EIGHTY-FIVE!"

The King of Red Lions groaned, "Don't you start again!"

It started to rain, and Link yelped and stopped singing.

"Thank goodness, that was even worse than "This Love"!"

A few hours later, Link was laying in the boat, almost dead with boredom.

"I'm not a perfect persoooonn! There's many things I wish I didn't doooo…. But I continue leeeeeaaaarnin'…. I never meant to do those things to yoooouuuu! And so I have to say before I goooooooooo…. That I just want you to knoooooow! I've found a reason for meeeeeeee! To change who I used to beeeeeee! A reason to start over neeeeeewwwww! And the reason is yoooouuu…. I'm sorry that I hurt yooouuu! It's something I must live with every day…. And all the pain I put yoooouuu throoouuugh…. I wish that I could take it all awaaay…. And be the one who catches all your teeeeaaaars…. THAT'S WHY I NEED YOU TO HEEEAAAAR! I've found a reason for meee! To change who I used to beeee! A reason to start over new…. AND THE REASON IS YOOOOOUUUUU! AND THE REASON IIIS YOOOUUU! AND THE REASON IS YOOUU! AND THE REASON IIIIIS YOOOUUU! I'm not a perfect person…. I never meant to do those things to you…. And so I have to say before I gooo…. THAT I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOOOWW! I'VE FOUND A REASON FOR MEEEE! TO CHANGE WHO I USED TO BEEEE! A reason to start over new…. And the reason is you…. I'VE FOUND A REASON TO SHOOOOW! A SIDE OF ME YOU DIDN'T KNOOOOW! A REASON FOR ALL THAT I DO…. AND THE REASON IS YOU…."

By that time the King of Red Lions didn't even bother to try to shut Link up.

"Are we there yet?" Link asked once the song was over.

"No." The King grumbled.

"How much longer is it then?"

"A long time."

"But how long?" Link asked desperately.

"Hmm…. Oh, I guess about two to three hours." The boat guessed.

Link moaned and rolled over onto his stomach, "This is so boring…."

There was another long pause.

"I have to go to the bathroom…." Link said.

"Well, you better hold it. And besides, you should have gone before we left!" The boat replied irritably.

"I can't hold, _I can't hold it!"_ Link moaned.


	19. Forest Haven

_**Forest Haven**_

Two or three hours later, Link somehow managed to hold it.

When the boat pulled up onto the shore of Forest Haven, Link quickly stumbled out and looked around. He couldn't help but notice a stream and a few waterfalls nearby.

"Wait!" The King of Red Lions said.

"_MAKE IT QUICK!"_ Link hissed.

"This is where Farore's Pearl is. You see how that area over there looks like a tree? Well, you need to go inside there and speak with the Spirit of the Earth, The Great Deku Tree, and get it from him."

Link bounced up and down, _"Is that it?"_

"Yes, that's about it."

Link ran to a nearby plant, and just as he was about to…you know, the plant turned into a Boko Baba, which is a monster plant with sharp teeth. It snapped at him.

"AH!" Link screamed, and slashed it with his sword.

The creature was vanquished, and it disappeared.

And well, let's just say Link didn't have to go to the bathroom anymore.

The King of Red Lions began to laugh.

"Don't…say…a word!" Link said thickly, as he stood stock still.

"A little wet now, aren't we?" The Boat said with a chuckle.

Link turned his head to look at The King of Red Lions.

"_I SAID SHUT UP! I WAS JUST A BIT STARTLED, OK?"_

"Just get going!" The boat said with a strong cackle.

Link continued up a hill, his gait stiff.

He took out a few more boko babas, and then he used his grappling hook to cross a body of water.

Link had to walk through water to get to the grotto's entrance.

He winced as he landed in it.

Once inside the grotto, he walked around, in search of the Great Deku Tree. He looked up, and saw a huge tree, at least 100 feet tall and almost just as thick. Link had been circling around it the whole time.

The odd thing was the fact that the tree had a face. It appeared to be motionless and inanimate, until, all of a sudden, chuchus appeared all over the tree's face, and it suddenly started to scream.

"HOLY SHIT!" Link yelled.

And, well, his pants got just a tad bit wetter….

At first in a panic, Link was unsure of what to do. If the chuchus killed The Deku Tree, then he couldn't get Farore's Pearl, and the world was doomed, and his sister may be gone forever.

Link got the sudden idea to roll into the tree to shake it, and then the chuchus might fall off.

The plan worked! But now, Link was surrounded by the creatures.

"Aw, dammit…." He muttered.

He managed to take them all out.

Link now found himself being lifted into the air by a large leaf that just started to rise up near the Deku Tree's face….

The tree spoke something in another language to Link, who just stared up at him with rounded eyes.

"Ok…." Link muttered.

"I apologize…. When I saw your clothing, it brought back memories from the days of old, causing the ancient tongue to pass my lips. But what is that wet stain in your….pants…." the tree said.

Link turned bright red in the face.

"That's none of your business, ok buddy?"

"Alright. I don't think I want to know anyway…. Well, thanks for ridding me of those vile creatures. It must be true then…. Ganondorf has returned!"

"Took you long enough to figure that out buddy," Link snorted.

But the tree ignored him for a moment.

"Children of the forest! This traveler is not your enemy! Let your hearts be at ease, and reveal yourselves!" The Deku Tree spoke.

Small, plant-like creatures that appeared to be made of wood and had leaves for faces poked their heads out from various spots.

"What the hell!"

They began to float down around Link using little leaf-like devices.

"What's your name again?" the tree asked.

"Uh, it's Link…."

"Well then, Link, these are the koroks, the children of the forest. They were once like humans, but when they came to live on the sea, they took these shapes. Now they fear people, but they will forever be my cherished children."

"Ok then…." Link muttered, "Are you, by any chance, a pothead?"

"No, I am not. Why, are you?" the Deku Tree asked.

"HEY! I'm trying to quit you prick!" Link barked.

"So, anyway, is it Farore's Pearl you seek?"

"Yes, that's the whole (beeping) reason why I came here!"

"I shall give it to you after our Korok Ceremony. I'm sorry for the delay, but this is important stuff here. If we don't do it, our very way of life is threatened!" the tree said.

"Isn't everybody's?" Link replied, remembering his experiences at Dragon Roost Island with resentment.

"Sir! Sir! We cannot start yet! Makar and I were flying over the Forbidden Woods, and he fell in!"

"WHAT?" The Great Deku Tree bellowed, "This is an urgent matter! We cannot start the ceremony without him! Link, do you mind going to rescue Makar for me? This is a dire situation!"

"Oh, no, no, no, NO! The last two times I've done something like this, I got flung into the ocean by a bird and nearly had my ass ripped off by a bug. I don't really want to do it again, unless…."

"Unless what?" The tree asked impatiently.

"Unless you pay me to do it," Link said with a small grin.

"Fine, uh, how does 15 rupees sound?"

"Ppht! Is that _all_ you have? C'mon, doing something like that should be worth _at least_ 200 rupees!"

"Huh?" the Deku Tree grunted.

"You heard me, 200 rupees! Take it or leave it buddy!" Link haggled.

"Fine, fine, 200 rupees! Will you do it now?"

"Hmm…. Ok, I guess so."

"Good!" the tree cried out.

"But sir, people cannot fly through the air!" said the korok who had announced Makar's fate.

"Yes, Linder, that is true…. The Forbidden Woods is not accessible from the sea, is it? And Link, judging by your size, I assume you are heavier than my korok children…." The Great Deku Tree said.

"What? Hey, I am _not_ fat! Do I _look _fat to you buddy?" Link growled, very insulted.

"No, I don't mean in that sort of way! Hmm…. This is quite a predicament…. Oh, wait! Link, using one of my leaves, you will be able to fly through the air, and get into the woods! Just hold on a second…."

The Deku Tree began to push, you know, like when someone is giving birth or trying to use the bathroom but they're constipated.

"Whoa, buddy, don't give yourself a hemorrhoid…." Link said quietly.

A leaf appeared on the tree's crown.

"Do you mind climbing up to my crown to get that leaf?"

"And how do you propose I go about doing that?" Link asked in an irritated tone, folding his arms.

"You see those flower buds over there?" the tree asked.

"Yeah…. Soooo…?"

"Jump into them. They shoot you into the air, and then it will allow you to get from one bud to the next, because they begin to rise into the air, as you can see."

"That's pretty weird…. What kind of place are you runnin' here anyway?" Link snorted.

"Stop mouthing off to me and go save Makar! Hurry!"

Link used the buds as the Deku Tree said, and finally reached the crown. He picked up the large leaf, known as a Deku Leaf.

His gaze fell to the ground far below, and he suddenly felt very dizzy.

"Aw man, I hate heights…." Link said weakly, and backed up a little bit.

"What are you waiting for? Fly over to that ledge over there, and go through the opening!" the tree yelled.

"I…I can't…!" Link replied faintly.

"Why not?" asked the tree, growing impatient.

"I hate heights! Why do you have to be such a big tree?"

"Well, gee, maybe I should just shrink right on the spot now, shouldn't I?"

"Could you?" Link asked hopefully.

"I WAS BEING SARCASTIC!" The Deku Tree sighed, "Linder, will you please escort our young friend over to that ledge?"

"Yes sir!" Linder barked, and flew up behind the Link, "Mr. Swordsman, please hold on to both ends of the Deku Leaf and prepare for landing."

"_MY NAME IS LINK, NOT 'MR. SWORDSMA-AAAAAAAAAHHHH!" _Link screamed as Linder shoved him off the tree's crown.

He landed face down on the ledge.

Link slowly got to his knees with a moan.

"I…wasn't…ready!" he growled.

Then his nose began to bleed.

"Now look what you (beeping) did, thanks to you, you (beeping) (beep) tree! Couldn't you at least (beeping) wait until I had a (beeping) proper hold on that (beeping) leaf? (BEEP) YOU BASTARD!"

The Great Deku Tree and the koroks looked a little stunned.

"Who taught you to speak in _that_ manner?" the tree asked.

"That's none of your (beeping) business you (beeping) tree, you're so full of (beep)!"

"NOW YOU (beeping) LISTEN TO ME YOU (BEEPING) BRAT! YOU BETTER GET THE (BEEPING) (BEEP) OUTTA HERE, BEFORE I (BEEP) YOU UP!" The Deku Tree yelled.

Link stared at him wide-eyed, not expecting that.

The little korok named Linder, who was still on the crown, fainted, fell off the tree, and died. His head popped off as he hit a rock, and the head flew up and killed another korok.

"NOW!" the tree screamed, turning red.

Link scrambled through the cave as quickly as possible.

Ok, for some reason, fucked this up for me, and two chapters did not show up. This is one of them, and it's not revised so well, so 'fuck' should still be beeped out. Sorry for any inconvience, and the latest, non-fucked up chapter shall appear really, really soon. Ok.


	20. Ride the Wind

_**Ride The Wind!**_

Link found himself on a cliff.

"Oh my god!"

A korok stood nearby.

"Hurry up and save Makar! You know how to get over there, right?" It asked.

"Uh…. Yeah, I think I do, but…uh…." Link stuttered.

Link looked ahead. There were tall, narrow, cliff-like islands making a path to a creepy looking place that sort of looked like a thorny tree. A tornado circled the island closest to the Forbidden Woods.

"But what?"

"Do you people honestly think I can survive that?" Link yelped shrilly.

"Of course you can! You saved the Deku Tree, right?" the korok asked.

"Yeah, but that was small time, you see. This looks pretty dangerous right here, and besides, the tree was right, people can't fly!"

"That's why you have the Deku Leaf." the korok said, shaking his head in exasperation.

"But I don't know how to use it!" Link whined.

The korok sighed.

"Hold on to both ends and jump! The leaf will carry you in the direction the wind is going!"

Link felt the breeze on his face.

"It's not going in the right direction, so I guess I can't do this, aw, too bad!"

"CHANGE IT NOW!" the little korok said, his voice turning deep and manly, like in the Exorcist or something like that.

Link hurriedly changed the direction of the wind using his wind waker.

"Now get moving before I have to push you!" it said, still in the same tone.

"No, I won't do it!" Link cried.

"DO IT!"

"NO!"

"I'll push you off!" the creature warned.

"Ah, don't!" Link squealed, and quickly thought over his options.

He hated being pushed, so there was nothing left to do but…jump….

Link took a deep breath, then he ran off the cliff, clinging to the Deku Leaf.

"Oh!" He breathed a sigh of relief.

It had worked!

Link gently landed on the next island.

This was the last one to pass before reaching the Forbidden Woods.

But his destination was too far up, and there was a cyclone circling his current location.

Seeming to sense the boy's predicament, a second korok provided him with the answer.

"Get into that cyclone!" It said.

There was a long pause.

"What?" Link shouted.

"Ride into the cyclone, and it will lift you upward. From there, you'll be able to reach the woods."

"I-!" Link was about to talk, but then stopped.

He knew he had to do these things if he ever wanted Aryll back. His baby sister was his weakness, and he realized that if he had to die to save her, he would. Aww... How cute.

With a sigh, Link slowly nodded, and then, when the time was right, leaped off the island. He soon found himself inside the cyclone, being lifted up quickly.

"Woah!"

Once he was released from it, he successfully landed on the entry way to the Forbidden Woods.

Link heard a faint noise, sort of like a fan behind him.

He turned, and to his fright, he spotted an orange colored creature with many eyes, a propeller atop its head, and a spiked bottom heading straight towards him.

The creature, known as a peahat, bowled straight into Link, and knocked him to the ground.

"Ow!"

Link instantly knew that this creature was a minion of Ganondorf.

Without realizing that he had the Deku Leaf still in one hand, Link hit at the creature. His hand missed it, but the breeze from the Deku Leaf appeared to injure the peahat. (That's what it's called.) Link then slashed it with his sword.

He had slain the opposing creature!

He did this to one more peahat, and then it too was vanquished.

With that danger out of the way, Link turned to stare at the dark entrance to the Forbidden Woods.

With a sigh, he began to walk in.

"I'm not gonna back down!" He declared, his tone one of finality.

Ok, here's the other fucked up chapter. I don't own Zelda, and all that disclaimer fuck, and so forth. This one's still beeped out too, sorry 'bout that, but I didn't feel like revising it again. I apologize for any inconvience...


	21. The Forbidden Woods

_**The Forbidden Woods**_

Link found himself in the entry room of the Forbidden Woods. A greenish fog blanketed the place, and it smelled old and musty.

He coughed.

"Cripes, a little air in here would be nice!"

Squinting, Link could see a door up ahead, and he began to walk forward.

"What the-?"

Link had stepped in something sticky and green, and realized, with horror, that he had stepped on a chuchu!

"OH, SICK DUDE!"

He leaped backwards.

Soon more chuchus arrived, and began to close in on him.

"(Beep) this! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!" Link shrieked.

After vanquishing the hoard of chuchus, Link sat down and stared at his shoe.

"Dammit! It's like dog shit!"

He sighed, and wondered how Aryll was doing…. Link still regretted being so nasty to her. But at least, he thought, I was always pretty nice to her before that.


	22. Flashbacks

_**Flashbacks**_

Link remembered some of the things he had done with Aryll in the past, like the time he tried to see if she was flammable. She was.

There was also that time he used her to see how long it would take for an object to fall from Outset Island's Watchtower to the ocean….

_(Flashback….)_

_Link sat in the watchtower, observing his younger sister gazing at the birds with her telescope._

"_Hey Aryll!" he said._

"_Yes big brother?"_

"_I dare you to climb up on the ledge of the tower," He said, nodding to it._

"…_But…why…?"_

"_Nevermind why. So…. Will you do it?"_

_Aryll thought for a moment._

"_I guess so…."_

"_Good!"_

_Aryll climbed onto the ledge and stood there._

"_What do I do now?"_

"_Nothing…. Just look forward, not behind you, ok?"_

"_Um, ok…."_

_Aryll followed her brother's instructions._

_Link slowly crept up behind Aryll, and shoved her off the edge._

"_AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Aryll screamed._

_Link began to count until he heard Aryll hit the water._

"_About three seconds!"_

There was also that time when he was age eight and she was just one, and he threw her off Outset Island's Summit to see if she could fly….

"_Come here…. Here baby…." Link said quietly as he walked towards his baby sister._

_The two of them were atop Outset Island's summit. Link had cleverly told his grandmother that he was just taking Aryll to the summit to play, while he was really about to conduct his latest experiment…._

"_Here, baby baby…. There we go!" He cooed as he lifted Aryll._

_Link carried the baby to the edge of the cliff._

"_One…."_

_Aryll giggled._

"_Two…."_

_He took a deep breath._

"_FLY, BABY, FLY!"_

_Link threw Aryll._

_With a scream, Aryll sailed through the air and began to plummet into the water. She landed with a splash._

"_Oops…. I guess babies can't fly after all…." Link said._

"_LINK!" his grandmother screamed._

Oh, and not to mention the time the time that he was ten, and she was three, and he tied her to a rope, and hung her over the summit to see how many times she would swing in fifteen seconds.

"_Brother, I don't think this is a good idea…." Aryll said as she was slowly being lowered further down the cliff._

"_Oh, you'll be fine. Don't be such a baby!" Link snorted._

_Aryll was soon lowered far enough._

"_Ready?" Link called._

"_No." Aryll said plainly._

"_NOW!"_

_Link began to swing the rope back and forth, back and forth…._

"_One…two…three…four…five…"_

_The rope began to slip from Link's grasp._

"_Seven…eight…nine…ten…ele-!"_

_The rope slipped from his grasp, and Aryll fell towards the water, screaming._

_SPLASH!_

"_LINK!" his grandmother called._

And the time when Aryll was only two months old, and he dropped her out the window to see if the squirrels would take her away and accept her as one of their own….

"_Hold the baby gently now…. That's it." Link's grandmother said, setting Aryll in his arms._

_Then she went off to talk to the neighbors, who were at the house during that time._

_Link looked around. No one was looking! He opened the window, and dropped Aryll out of it. Then he crouched down and stared…._

_No squirrels yet. Maybe they wouldn't accept her as one of their own…. Maybe they would eat her instead…. He thought. Or maybe they will sacrifice her to the squirrel god! _

"_Where's the baby?" one of the neighbors asked._

It was then that he realized that Aryll was much more than his adoring little sister…. She was his guinea pig! And he felt more compelled than ever to shove (beep) up Ganondorf's ass, and get her back!


	23. Aryll's Troubles

_**Aryll's Troubles**_

Aryll sighed and sat in a corner of her cell. Her two cell-mates, Maggie and Mila, were off in other areas of their small prison.

Maggie was a hideously ugly poor chick who pretty much dressed like a brown paper shopping bag. She was pretty nice though, but a bit of a drama queen. Oh yeah, and she resembled a gorilla. A gorilla in a brown paper shopping bag.

Mila was rich, and blonde. She was a total bitch.

Mila heaved a great sigh.

"If father were here, he'd hire some guy to kill Ganon's butch ass!" she boasted, "Ah... Poor Maggie. Your father can't afford a crumb!"

Mila chuckled at this.

Maggie growled and spun around to face Mila.

"Wanna say that to my face ho?"

Mila looked taken aback.

"What'd you say bitch?"

"Bring it on!" Maggie screamed, and the two girls began fighting.

"Stop fighting!" Aryll cried, but it was no use.

Then, all of a sudden, Mila pinned Maggie to the ground, and popped her head off using a spoon. She cackled insanely. Maggie's head bounced against the bars of the cell, then rested near Aryll's feet.

"YOU'RE INSANE!" Aryll screamed.

Mila laughed heartily, then popped her own head off with the spoon. The head fell on Aryll's other side. Mila's body twitched for a few secconds, then it shuddered and was still.

Aryll burst out crying.

"Oh, big brother!" she sniffled, "Please hurry!"


	24. The Forbidden Woods Again

_**The Forbidden Woods (Again)**_

Link opened his eyes, and sat up. He quickly realized that he had fallen asleep!

"Uh... It's these fumes... They're making me high..."

He shook his head, and looked around. The room was practically spinning for our young hero, but he did manage to make out a door at the far end of the room which was covered with vines. He wouldn't be able to get through to it, unless...

Link sort of staggered over to the door, and hit it with his sword, but to no avail. The vines would not break. He groaned in frustration, and spotted another door at the far left. He went through it, only to find a strange nut...

"Damn, I'm more stoned than I thought I was! I'm (beeping) hallucinating..."

But he picked it up anyway, and brought it back to the room he was previously in.

Maybe... he thought, If I throw this thing at the door, it'll break it down...

He took a deep breath, gagged on the air, and threw the nut. It hit the door, and the vines fell away from it. He could now go through the door!

Once he finished gagging, he went through the newly opened door.

"I'm pretty damn smooth, I would say!" Link said with a grin, but he staggered, and fell flat on his face.

"Ouch."

The next room was pretty big. But Link didn't really have the time to observe it, because he fell screaming off the edge of a cliff.

"Uhn!"

With a heavy thud, Link landed on top of a boko baba plant and killed it immediately.

"Oh...sorry..." he said quietly.

The creature left behind what is called a boko baba stick, which Link picked up, and set fire to one of the torches. He really didn't know what he was doing. In fact, he didn't really know where he was either. But oh well.

_Author's Comments_

_Ok, um, the Forbidden Forest is bleeping confusing to write, ok? So maybe I'll just skip ahead a few parts, I mean, Link doesen't even know what's going on. (Watches Link giggle hysterically and fall on the ground off in the distance.) See? He won't care! And if my skipping bothers you, I'm sorry, but honestly, you try writing about the beeping forest using a guidebook that comes with kick ass Wind Waker stickers! That didn't make much sense, but my guidebook DOES come with stickers you know. Really. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention, I don't own Wind Waker and all that disclaimer shit. If you want to sue me, then you can just pull the beeping stick out of your ass, 'kay? Now back to the story. Oh yeah, and I PROMISE, if this chapter sucks, then the other chapters'll get better. I have some good shit planned for y'all. I know, this is really disappointing, but The Forbidden Woods is very hard to write. Keep reading, 'cause once again, IT WILL GET BETTER. Ok, now OFFICIALLY back to the story._

(Back to the story.)

Link pretty much fell into another room. This one was cluttered with those giant walnuts, and a huge, fancy door stood before him.

"...Huh...? Where the hell am I? And...how the hell did I get here?" Link asked himself.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a big key.

"What the (beep) is this thing...?"

Absentmindedly, Link carried the key to the large door and unlocked it.


	25. Kalle Demos

_**Kalle Demos**_

The air had really cleared up by now, and Link was finally starting to get his head back...well, sort of. Maybe.

In the middle of the room sat a large flower, and in the middle of that, a little korok bounced up and down, screaming and shouting.

"Hey you...! You little bastard!" Link shouted, a slight slurr to his voice. (Keep in mind, the fumes weren't out of his system quite yet.)

"HEY! Who you callin' a bastard, junkie?" The korok replied.

"I oughta kick your ass!"

"TRY ME FAIRY BOY!"

Link began to approach the little creature, when a small flower thing popped out of the plant it was standing on and swallowed it whole. Link began to laugh hysterically.

After all, he though, that little thing had it coming.

But then, the flower's large petals closed around it, vines sprouted from its sides, and the vines dragged the whole plant up to the ceiling.

"HA! Stupid plant. You think that scares me?"

But then, tentacles sprouted out from the flower and spread in all directions, and one of them reached down and whacked Link.

"OW! Shit... That hurt!"

Obviously, this thing was another one of Ganon's minions that had been sent out to hurt Link. Link knew he had to kill this thing, but how? He couldn't reach it with his sword, and the grappling hook was useless here also...

But then, Link felt something else in his pocket. Not a key this time, but a boomerang.

"Dammit, why can't I remember how or when I got this?" Link asked himself. "Oh well, I have it, maybe I should use it somehow..."

He looked up at the vines attaching the plant to the ceiling.

If only he could cut them down... Oh wait, yeah, he could.

Link threw the boomerang up, and hit one of the vines.

The vine broke!

But the plant slammed a tentacle down on Link again, injuring him once more.

"AH!"

Link was angry right about now. He quickly threw the boomerang at each tentacle, until the plant fell off of the ceiling and hit the floor. The petals flew open, revealing the small little flower thing that had swallowed Makar. Link rushed at it, and sliced it with his sword, but before he knew it, the larger plants petals shut on him, and then threw him out high into the air. Screaming, Link hit the wall and fell to the floor in a heap.

The vines came back out of the plant again, and it reattached itself to the ceiling.

It took him a moment, but Link recovered and got to his feet with a small moan. He repeated the boomerang trick once more, and yet again, the plant hit the floor with a thud that shook the earth, and sprang open. Link hit the smaller plant inside with his sword, but this time, was careful to run away before the plant closed up again. He made it out just in time, but the plant got right back up to the ceiling.

Although he worried that his tactic wasn't working, Link continued once more. The same thing happen, and he continued to beat the small plant with his sword, and step out of the way in time.

But something was different... This time, the plant shuddered and exploded, sending the now free korok into the wall.

Link collapsed to the gorund.

"Woah...pretty colors..." he said.

The korok waddled over to Link.

"Are you the one who saved me?" it asked.

"Uh, yeah...I, uh guess so..." Link replied.

But before the little creature could thank him, Link passed out.

"Oh boy! Another victim!" The korok cheered, and began to rape Link.

Our hero awoke about an hour later, with the little thing sleeping next to him.

"Oh shit... Why the hell is this bastard sleeping uncomfortably close to me?"

The korok awoke too.

"Hey! Why did you sleep with me? Oh my god... Did you, you know, _sleep_ sleep with me?" Link shouted.

"Uh... No, I didn't..." the thing replied.

"Yes you did! And I don't even know who you are!"

"My name is Makar, and I didn't have sex with you, I swear!"

"Yes you did! It's written all over your face!"

"I didn't!" Makar cried desperately.

"YOU RAPED ME!" Link yelled.

"Now I wouldn't exactly call it _rape_, I was just...I was just playing with you, that's all..."

"Hm, let's see, _HAVING SEX WITH ME AGAINST MY WILL SURE SOUNDS LIKE RAPE TO ME!_"

"But you didn't protest or anything, so it really wasn't against your will!" Makar insisted.

"'CAUSE I PASSED OUT! YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME, AND THAT'S PROBABLY WORSE THAN THE FACT THAT I GOT RAPED BY A SHRUB!"

"Uh...I'm...sorry?"

"Sorry isn't good enough!"

"How can I make it up to you?" Makar asked.

"Weeeelllll..." Link said thoughtfully, "It depends. How many rupees do you have?"

"Uh...600, why?"

"That should be enough to pay for the damages done to my fragile person."

"But I didn't hurt you!" Makar said.

"You damaged me emotionally! This'll stick with me for the rest of my _life_! Now fork over the rupees! I killed that stupid weed and I can kill you too, rapist!" Link threatened.

"Ah! Don't hurt me!" Makar wailed, and handed Link all of his 600 rupees.

"It's been a pleasure doing business with you, Makar." Link said with a grin, shoving the money into his pants, or pocket, or, uh, whatever...

"The little bastard... Ha, I ripped him off good. It's not like I haven't been raped before..." Our hero said quietly to himself.

"Are you happy now? I'm (beeping) broke! Now can we at _least_ pretend this never happened?" Makar pleaded.

"Sure thing. Now let's get the hell out of here before your, uh, _father_, freaks out."

Link and Makar discovered one of those cyclone things that Link used to get out of Gohma's chamber.

"Dammit, not one of these things..." Link moaned.

"What's wrong?" Makar asked.

"The last time I went into one of these things I threw up!"

"Well, we're not getting out any other way!"

"Oh, fine!"

The pair stepped into the cyclone...


	26. The Ceremony

_**The Ceremony**_

Link and Makar found themselves back near the Deku Tree.

"Oh, I think I'm gonna be sick again..." Link moaned, clutching his stomach.

"Oooooh, Great Deku Tree! I am soooo sorry! You told us so many times not to go near the Forbidden Woods, but still, I did not listen! Please forgive me! I won't ever do it again!" Makar sobbed.

"It's alright Makar," the Great Deku Tree said, "But you must hurry and play your little song thing before the clock strikes midnight and we're all doomed. No pressure."

"Oh yes, of course, oh Great Deku Tree!" Makar replied.

He pulled a violin out of, well, I don't know.

"I dedicate this piece to you, Link, for saving me!" He declared.

"Oh, great, now you're dedicating songs to me... Look, pal, we may have slept together, but there is NOTHING romantic between us!" Link said.

But Makar ignored him, and began to play a song with his violin. Then all the koroks (except for Linder, whose body and severed head lay on the ground nearby, and that other guy who died.) began a strange ritual.

"Oh, (beep), this is so lame..." Link muttered, rolling his eyes as he sat down on the ground.

At last, after about an hour or so, the ritual finally ended.

"Well, Link," the Deku Tree said. "Is there anything I can repay you with?"

Link figured that stupid tree was so old it forgot the 100 rupees is gave him, so he figured that this could work to his advantage. But unfortunately, he was too nauseous to really think about money.

"Some Pepto Bismal would be nice... Oh yeah, and that, uh, what's it called? The uh, pearl..thing..."

"I don't have any Pepto. But yeah, I suppose I can give you the pearl," the tree replied.

"Look, pal, I really, _really_ need some pepto right now! I think I'm gonna-!"

But it was too late. Link ended up blowing chunks all over Makar.

"AH! IT'S BURNING MY EYES! MY EEEYYYEEESSS!" Makar screamed as he raced around in circles.

"Nevermind," Link said. "I think I can go without the pepto. I feel better now..."

He snickered, watching Makar freak.

"Well, here's the pearl," The Deku Tree said, and using his X-Men telepathetic powers, lowered Farore's Pearl into Link's hands.

"Good. Now I'm gonna get the hell out of here..." Link said wearily, and quickly made his way out of the grotto and back to the King of Red Lions.


	27. The Quest for Jabun

_**The Quest for Jabun**_

"How did it go?" The King of Red Lions asked.

Link stepped inside the boat.

"Well," he replied, "For most of the time, I had no idea how it went."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I had to go to the Forbidden Woods, and there are a hell of a lot of fumes there. I just got stoned, and when I finally came to a bit more, I was at the boss room. It was pretty fun, now that you think about it..."

"Well, did you actually _do_ anything besides catch a buzz?" the boat asked irritably.

"Um, yeah... I got raped..."

"Dammit, I don't care if you got raped! What I'm trying to ask is, 'Did you get the damn pearl?'!"

"Oh, uh, yeah, I got it... Dammit, you're cranky!" Link said.

"Shutup and just make the wind blow to the northwest! We have to get Nayru's Pearl!" The King replied.

"Aw, c'mon! It's past midnight, and I'm (beeping) exhausted!"

Link's good mood was beginning to fade...

"Just make the (beeping) wind blow!"

"FINE!" Link yelled.

He played 'The Wind's Requiem', and the wind began to blow northwest.

"Now come on. We have to head to Greatfish Isle!" The King of Red Lions barked.

Grumbling and whining, Link pulled up the sail, and they were off.

"And don't you start singing again!"

"Hey, you aren't the boss of me! I'll do whatever the hell I want to do! You can't stop me from singing!" Link said, crossing his arms.

"I AM the boss of you, and you WILL do what I say!"

"No I won't!"

"YES YOU WILL!"

"NO I WON'T! YOU CAN JUST SUCK MY BALLS! YOU HEAR ME? SUCK-MY-BALLS!" Link shouted.

There was a long moment of tension-filled silence. Everything was dark, and rain lashed fiercely at the two of them.

"I'm givin' up...on everything because you messed me up...don't know how much you screwed it up... You never listen, that's just too bad... Because I'm movin' on... I won't forget you were the one that was wrong... I know I need to step up and be strong! Don't patronize me, yeeAAaaaAaah... _HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN! EVERYTHING THAT I WANTED? DO YOU FORGET IT'S NOW, YOU NEVER GOT IT? DO YOU GET IT NOW, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH..." _Link sang angrily.

"Stop it, Link..." The King growled.

"Gotta get away! There's no point in thinking about yesterday! It's too late now, it will never be the same! We're so different now! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..." Link continued.

"Ok, I get the point, you're mad at me!"

"_HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN! EVERYTHING THAT I WANTED? DO YOU FORGET IT NOW, YOU NEVER GOT IT? DO YOU GET IT NOW, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH..._"

"Link, I know you're singing about me, and I'm sorry! Just shut up!" The King said.

"I know I wanna run away, I know I wanna run away! Run away... If only I could run away, if only I could run away! Run away... I told you what I wanted; I told you what I wanted! What I wanted... But I was forgotten, I won't be forgotten... _NEVER AGAAAAIIIIN!_" Link went on.

"_I'M SORRY!_" The King of Red Lions screamed.

"Do you mean it, or are you just saying that?" Link asked suspiciously.

"I mean it! Now will you _please_ stop?"

"Fine."

"THANK YOU!"

Link was pretty quiet for the rest of the way, until at last, they hit land.

"Here we-!" The King of Red Lions started, but stopped, when he saw the island.

Link stepped out of the boat and onto the earth.

"What happened to this place?" he asked quietly, looking around.

The island was nearly torn apart!

"I'm afraid this land has already seen Ganon's wrath... I hope Jabun, the water spirit, is still ok..." The King replied.

"Who's Jabun?" Link asked.

All of a sudden, Quill, the postman, landed right next to him.

"You won't find Jabun here," the postman said.

"Dammit, who's Jabun?" Link yelled.

"Oh, he's the water spirit guy that has Nayru's Pearl," The King told Link.

"Oooook...so where is he then?" Link asked, looking at Quill.

"He escaped just in the nick of time... And he's in hiding..." Quill said.

"Dammit, Quill, where's he hiding? I didn't come here for tension!" Link replied.

"He's hiding on the island where you were born... Outset Island!"

"Oh," Link said.

"Hey, that was supposed to be dramatic! You can't just say, 'oh'!" Quill said.

"Alright, FINE. Gasp. There, ya happy?" Link replied irritably.

Quill sighed.

"Fine. That'll do."

"Ok, so this shouldn't be too hard... I just go home and get the damn pearl, right?"

"There's a catch," Quill warned.

"Damn, I knew this wouldn't be easy..."

"I told the pirates about Jabun's hiding spot while I was at Windfall, and now they're after the pearl too..." Quill said sheepishly.

"YOU IDIOT! AW, (BEEP) YOU! YOU TOLD THEM?" Link cried.

"Yeah, I did..."

"Dumbass," Link snorted.

Now he was probably going to have to see Tetra again...

"So, what I suggest is that we go to Windfall first to see what the pirates are up to," The King of Red Lions said.

"Alright, it's not like I have anything better to do..." Link muttered, and stepped back into the boat.

After using his Wind Waker to make the wind blow northeast, Link drew the sail and the boated drifted away from Greatfish Isle.

Before he lost sight of him, Link gave Quill the finger, and then he was off to Windfall...


	28. Bombs Away

_**If you review, you will live. You hear me? LIVE! If you don't... Then you shall recieve DEATH BY PENGUIN!**_

_**Bombs Away!**_

After sailing for a while, Link and The King of Red Lions came to stop at the shores of Windfall.

Judging by the large pirate ship next to the island, Link figured with dismay that the pirates were indeed here...

"You have to find them and see what they're up to... Well, being that they'll probably have to blow up everyone and everything in their path during their trip to Windfall, I bet they're at the bomb shop," The King said.

"Well, duh..." Link snorted, getting out of the boat.

He quickly headed towards the bomb shop, and stopped at the door.

If Link just burst in there, then it was very likely that he'd be in danger...

There had to be another way in...

After a short, yet thorough investigation, Link had found a new way in.

He sidled the side of the building nearest to the water, and climbed some ivy up to a tunnel in the wall. After crawling through the tunnel, Link found himself on the rafters of the bomb shop, and positioned himself so that he would not be seen...

Down below, the shopkeeper sat on the floor, bound, gagged, and tied up. The pirates were carrying boxes out of the store, and Tetra stood leaning against the wall, her arms folded, as she watched her thugs work out of the corner of her eye.

Just look at her, Link thought, his eyes narrowing, Trying to stand there and look cool like the bad-ass bitch she is...

"Look pal, sorry we have to, you know, tie you up and stuff, but tough shit. We absolutely gotta have your bombs to get at the treasure we want!" Gonzo said.

"That was really smoothe how you got the answers outta that flying dude," a pirate named Mako told Gonzo.

"Yeah, I am pretty cool," Gonzo said.

"I mean, all you had to do was act like you were all worried about that Link kid and stuff, and he totally spilled the beans! You rock, my man," Mako cheered.

"But I was worried-I uh, mean, yeah, I rock."

Oh, great, he's still attracted to me... Link thought.

"You know, Gonzo, with your cunning and Miss Tetra's smart, if you two got married and had a kid together, it would be the most kick-ass pirate on the whole damn sea!"

"Ew, having sex with a girl-I mean, uh, wouldn't that be like, child mollestation or something? HEY, Miss Tetra! Listen to this idiot over here! Can you believe him?" Gonzo said.

"You're all fools, do you know that?" Tetra said, turning to stare at the two pirates. "Now quit (beeping) around and get back to work!"

"Are we done yet?" One pirate asked.

"No, you're not," Tetra replied.

"Well, after we load all this shit into the ship can we like, spend the night on Windfall? It's been forever since we actually spent some time on land. Please?" Mako asked.

Tetra exaggerated a sigh.

"FINE, but we're leaving tomorrow morning, got it?"

The rest of the pirates cheered, and Tetra began to walk out of the bomb shop. But before she did, Link could've sworn that she turned and winked up at him.

"Hey, Mako..." Gonzo whispered. "What was the password to get into the ship again? I forgot, and Niko won't let you in unless you say it."

"You forgot alredy? Fine, I'll tell you, but don't forget it! The password is 'condoms.' Did you hear that? Condoms, condoms, condoms, condoms!" Mako replied.

It was all Link could do to keep from laughing. How could this get any easier?

"Ok, I think I'll be able to remember now," Gonzo said.

The pirates carried the boxes of bombs out of the shop.

After a few minutes, Link followed them out, and then headed to their ship.

After arriving on the deck, Link headed towards the door leading inside, and knocked.

"Password?" Niko's voice " Link said.

Niko opened the door.

"Why, swabbie! It's you!" Niko said, and looked about ready to hug Link.

"Woah, woah, BACK OFF! I've killed a lot of stuff since I first left here, and I can kill you just as easily!" Link warned.

"Yeah, well, uh, what is it you wanted?" Niko asked.

"I came here for your bombs, why else?"

"You mean you didn't come just to visit me?" Niko asked sadly.

"Um, no, I'm selfish, not retarded... So can I have your (beeping) bombs?"

"Sure you can... IF you can pass another rope swinging test..."

"Um, ok..."

Niko began to explain how to do it.

"Ok, first, you gotta step on this switch-!"

"Oh, screw this!" Link said, and shoved Niko to the floor.

He went and took all the bombs, but as he was about to leave, his pocket rumbled.

"AH, SHIT!"

"I knew I shouldn't have left a little rat like Niko to guard our bombs... Well, you can keep them, but you better hurry to Outset, because we'll be leaving in the morning!" Tetra's voice said.

"WHAT?" Link was confused. "Y-You're just gonna let me _keep_ the bombs you stole?"

"Well, that's what I said, wasn't it?"

Link was shocked. Could this possible be an a_ct of kindness_?

"Uh...thanks, I guess..." was all he could think of to say.

"Whatever," Tetra said, and then the stone stopped glowing, signaling she had left.

Link wet himself.

"Damn, that was weird... Well, whatever. I gotta blow up some stuff now..."

But before leaving, Link went over and kicked Niko, then he exited the ship.

He made his way over to The King of Red Lions.

"What's wrong? You look more confused than usual. And you have another wet stain in your pants. Do you have some, like, bladder control problem?" The King asked.

"SHUT UP! I'm fine!" Link snapped.

"Now who's cranky?"

"I said SHUT UP! Now can we just go?"

"Ok, fine," The King replied.

Yet again, Link drew the sail, and they headed for Outset Island.

The trip was silent the whole time, and now even The King of Red Lions was getting confused.

When they reached Outset, it was still dark.

"Something is wrong... It should be morning by now. Ganon must have done this. A curse! It shall be night forever!" The King declared.

"Well, you come to conclusions quickly, don't you?" Link asked boredly.

"We must find Jabun!"

"Wait! But I just got here! Can't I at least say hi to my family and friends?"

"Not now," The King said.

"Oh, (beep) you!" Link growled.

But he drew the sail once again anyway, and they began to circle the island.

"What's that?" The King of Red Lions asked quietly, as he spotted a whirlpool up ahead.

"Hmm... Let's see, A WHIRLPOOL, who knew?" Link said sarcastically.

"No time for sarcasm! I have a feeling we may have found what we've been looking for..."

"We found Jabun?" Link asked.

"Yes. Now hurry, let's head towards that whirlpool!" The King said.

"...What? Uh, excuse me, but I think you just told me to go into the whirlpool... I must've misheard you."

"Mm, you heard me right."

"I ain't doin' that! Are you out of your (beeping) mind? Do you _want_ me to die?" Link screamed.

"That would be ni-I, I mean, uh, I have a good feeling about this. Just do it, I won't let you get hurt."

Link glared at The King of Red Lions warily.

"You know I really don't trust you, right?"

"Yes, I know. C'mon, just do it."

"FINE..." Link sighed. "But if I die and go to hell, I'm takin' you with me!"

The two slowly headed towards the whirlpool.

"Oh, I really don't wanna do this..." Link moaned.

But The King ignored him.

"I SAID I didn't wanna do thi-AH!"

Link was cut short as the pair got jerked into the whirlpool, and Link hit the side of the boat with a thud.

"Ow..."

"STOP SITTING AROUND! PULL OUT THE CANNON!" The King yelled.

"WHAT CANNON ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

They had to shout above the noise.

"LISTEN, IF YOU JUST TAKE OUT YOUR BOMBS WHILE YOU'RE RIDING ME, A CANNON JUST APPEARS. DO THAT, AND USE IT!"

"WOAH, REALLY?"

"YESSSS, JUST DO IT!"

Link took out the cannon.

"WHAT DO I DO NOW?" He yelled.

"FIRE IT AT THAT STONE WALL!" The King of Red Lions replied, and nodded to a rock that seemed to be blocking something.

"OK!"

Link started to fire at the wall as the whirlpool dragged him and The King closer and closer to the middle...

Finally, a large chunk of the stone fell away.

"KEEP FIRING!" The King commanded.

After a little while longer, a second part of the rock gave way, and then finally, the last. The stone had been blocking a cave.

The whirlpool suddenly stopped, and Link fell to the bottom of the boat, dizzy.

"I'm never doing that again..." He said.

The boat moved itself into the cave.

"There's nothing here!" Link said.

"Hush!" The King hissed.

The two were silent for a moment, and Link began to hum.

"Shut up! Don't you know how to be quiet?"

"Fine, I'll be quiet!" Link growled.

Then, all of a sudden, something began to rise up out of the water...

Something big...

It was a giant blue fish!

Like the Great Deku Tree, it was retarded looking, and it had a little lantern on top of its head.

It was Jabun!

"Sggsgsdfgdbgfgyrtgdffertwdafedgreg?" Jabun said in some strange language.

"Yes." The King said.

"Adhfkjhgerijroiufngflkjiourimgfnf?" Jabun asked.

"Yes."

"Adsfdgsgdfgdsggdgrtgfgf?"

"No, the one I have brought here has no connection to the Hero of Time. Yet I sense great promise in him..."

"Afdsfdfgdfgdgdfgdfgggd?"

"Yes."

Jabun shook his head, and Nayru's Pearl flew out of the lantern atop his head and into Link's hands.

The boat turned around to leave.

"Aadsdgfhgrtregfdgbfsdgdfgfdgfd gfdgkjdfgdfhgdf gdfkgjdghejgifdogujfidgjdfljv gidfougiljgfgjodfig?" Jabun asked.

"Yes, I think I know who carries on the blood line of Princess Zelda..." The King said thoughtfully before he and Link left.


	29. Leaving Home Again

_**Leaving Home Again**_

"What the fuck was all _that_ about?" Link asked once he and the King of Red Lions were out of Jabun's lair.

"That is none of your business," The King replied flatly.

"Why are you always doing stuff like this to me? Do you hate me or something?"

"Well, yes, actually."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR!" Link yelled.

"Well, one cannot always hear what is desired," The King of Red Lions replied.

"Oh, what, so now you're a fucking fortune cookie?"

"You're very short-tempered, do you know that?"

"WHO'S SHORT-TEMPERED?" Link screamed.

"Shut up, I need to tell you the next part of your quest!"

"Wait! We're gonna be leaving Outset, so why can't I at _least_ say hi to my grandma?"

"Oh, fine," The King sighed. "But hurry up!"

Link quickly jumped out of the boat and went to his house.

Once he was inside, he looked around. His grandma was asleep, and she looked pretty sick.

"Link...Aryll... Be careful... Oh... So...horny..." she muttered in her sleep.

Link walked towards her with a frown.

His grandmother was...horny? Oh yeah, and she was sick too.

"I probably should heal her somehow..." Link said quietly. "Nah... I'm not that nice."

He stuck her wallet in his pants, pocket, whatever, and then he rummaged through her dresser.

"HEY! So that's where all my sex toys went! Horny old hag... I paid for these!" Link declared.

Once he had collected all his "toys", and his grandmother's money, he headed back to The King of Red Lions.

"That was fast..." The King said.

"Yeah, well, she was asleep so I just took all her money and got all my special nessecities back from her."

"'Special nessecities'...?" The King asked, brow raised.

"Uh... Uh... Just a few little knick-knacks of mine, that's all..." Link stuttered.

"Idiot, I know all about your toys, just don't play with them while I'm around!" The King said.

"HEY, how did you know? Are you like, stalking me or something?" Link asked.

"Nevermind that! Anyway, for the next part of our quest, we need to put the three goddess pearls back in their proper spots. I have marked their locations on your sea chart."

Link drew the sail, and they were off.

But as he was counting his most recent earnings, they slipped out of his hands and fell into the water.

"OH, FUCK, MY MONEY! NOOOOOOO!" Link cried, and jumped into the freezing water.

"ARE YOU CRAZY? GET BACK IN!" The King boomed.

"BUT THE MONEY!" Link whined.

The King grabbed Link by the back of his tunic, and yanked him back inside.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? 15 RUPEES JUST FELL INTO THE WATER!" The boy wailed.

"15 rupees...? THAT'S IT? YOU NEARLY KILLED YOURSELF TRYING TO GET 15 RUPEES YOU STOLE FROM YOUR OWN GRANDMOTHER? YOU CROSSED THE LINE, YOU SELFISH LITTLE BUTT FUCKER! YOU TRULY HAVE NO CONCIOUS!"

"But the money...!" Link moaned, and began crying.

"Yeah, 15 FUCKING RUPEES!" The King bellowed.

"But the money!"

"You still have what, like 700 more rupees! I think you'll live!"

"BUT THE MONEY!"

Link just continued to sob until his nose began to bleed.


	30. The Pearl Quest

_**The Pearl Quest**_

"Look, Link, you dropped the 15 rupees into the water over two hours ago! Can't you just accept that?" The King of Red Lions said in an exasperated tone.

"No," Link said flatly.

His eyes were red and puffy from crying, and he was slumped against the side of the boat.

"Well, they're never coming back... I still can't believe you did that to your own grandmother! You should be ashamed!"

"It's not like she doesen't have a pension..." Link mumbled.

"Uh...Link?"

"Yeah?"

"Your grandmother doesen't have a pension," The King said.

"Oh. Oh well."

"Wait! I think we're arriving at our first destination... Din's Pearl goes here!" The King of Red Lions exclaimed.

"I'm not in the mood... I'm not gonna do this..." Link moaned.

"Oh, yeah, since when did you get a choice?" The King spat.

"Since I decided that I did."

"Well, you don't get to decide what you're supposed to do. Sucks for you, I guess then."

Link mumbled something incoherently and shifted his position.

"What was that?" The King asked.

"Suck my balls..." Link grumbled.

"Still didn't hear you!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, what I meant was, SUCK MY FUCKING BALLS!" Link yelled.

"Shut up! Get your ass off the floor, grab Din's Pearl, and put it in the hands of the statue upon this island," The King commanded.

Seeing as he didn't know what else to do, Link picked up the pearl and jumped out of the boat. He climbed on to the small island, and spotted an almost human-shaped statue. He placed the pearl in its waiting hands.

Nothing happened.

"Hey, you fucking statue! Do something!" Link barked, and kicked the statue.

It's head fell off.

"Oops..." Link mumbled.

"NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU FUCKING BROKE IT!" The King screamed.

"Oh well," Link said with a shrug.

"OH WELL? IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOUR-!"

But The King of Red Lions was cut off when the statue began to glow and shake.

Link screamed and jumped out of the way.

Then the statue grew silent again, so the boy approached once more.

All of a sudden, it exploded, and the statue became a beautiful women statue. Without a head, of course.

The explosion had blasted Link into the water, and his nose began to bleed.

Again.

"Ok, on to the next statue," The King said.

Link slowly swam back to the boat and climbed inside.

"I feel like a fucking slave!" He screamed.

"Well, you sort of are my slave."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, you basically do my bidding, don't you?" The King asked casually.

"Well, I-but-OH, FORGET IT!" Link blurted out.

They set sail once again.

"Let's talk this over, it's not like we're dead...was it something I did? Was it something you said...? Don't leave me hangin', in a city so dead, held up so high, on such unbreakable thread... You were all the things I thought I knew, and I thought we could beeee! _YOU WERE EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, THAT I WANTED! WE WERE MEANT TO BE, SUPPOSED TO BE, BUT WE LOST IT! ALL OF THE MEMORIES SO CLOSE TO ME JUST FADE AWAAAY, ALL THIS TIME YOU WERE PRETENDIN', SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING!" _sang you know who you'd have to be fucking stupid to not be able to guess.

"Shut up, Link!" The King said.

"You've got your dumb friends, I know what they say...they tell you I'm difficult-"

"Well, you are," The King of Red Lions mumbled.

"But sooo are they... But they don't know me...do they even know you? All the things you hide from me...all the shit that you do..."

"I order you to shut the fuck up!"

"You were all the things I thought I knew, and I thought we could be! _YOU WERE EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, THAT I WANTED! WE WERE MEANT TO BE, SUPPOSED TO BE, BUT WE LOST IT! ALL OF THE MEMORIES SO CLOSE TO ME JUST FADE AWAAAY! ALL THIS TIME YOU WERE PRETENDIN', SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING!_"

"Ok, PLEASE shut the fuck up. There. Happy?"

"I suppose that's better... I mean, I oughta listen to you considering I'm your SLAVE, an' all!" Link spat.

"Don't be that way, c'mon!" The King said.

"I'll be whatever way I wanna be, got it?" Link said.

"Damn those tweenage hormones..." The King muttered.

After an hour or so of silence, the pair reached their second destination.

"We drop Farore's Pearl off here..." The King of Red Lions said quietly as he stopped near the small island's shores.

"Ok, WHY exactly am I doing this?"

"Because I told you to do it!"

"But I don't wanna!" Link whined.

But then, all of a sudden, The King's voice turned demonic, like in the exorcist.

"YOU WILL DO IT!" He growled.

Link screamed, and jumped out of the boat. He ran up to the next statue and put the pearl in its hands, then ran out of the way.

The dull stone statue exploded, and took on the appearance of a beautiful young woman garbed in green.

Link just stared at her.

"Um, what are you doing...?" The King asked.

"Hey, you'd be horny too if you were stuck on the ocean for days at a time!" Link said.

"Ok, I like, did NOT need to know that just now! Hurry up! There's still one more statue to go."

"Then what?"

"You'll see. Now stop that! I don't want to watch you get an erection, ok?"

Grumbling, Link climbed back into the boat, and they were off for the third and final pearl island.

Link began to hum 'It's a Small World After All.'

"Stop it," The King said.

Link continued a bit louder.

"That's really annoying!"

The humming grew louder.

"STOP FUCKING AROUND!"

"Dammit, you're mean!"

"Oh, fuck you!" The King barked.

"No, fuck YOU!" Link spat.

"How dare you disrespect me! You can't tell me to fuck myself!"

"I can tell you to fuck whoever I want you to fuck!"

"FUCK YOU!" The King yelled.

"DOUBLE FUCK YOU!" Link replied.

"INFINITY FUCK Y-!"

But The King of Red Lions was cut off when they bumped into the last island.

"Ok, here we are... Now put the fucking pearl where it should go!" The King ordered.

Normally, Link would've protested, but he was too damn eager to finish the task, so he obeyed, and placed the pearl in its proper spot.

All was silent for a few moments.

"Fuck this! Nothing's happe-" Link started, but was cut off when the statue exploded, revealing the third and final woman.

"Alrighty then... What happens now?" Link said irritably.

But then, the ground began to shake... Link was blasted off the island, and flew screaming through the air!

Ok, here it is. It was like, hell to write, but I hope you enjoy it anyhow. If it sucks, don't worry, 'cause the next few chapters are gonne be like, my best yet! Oh yeah, and I don't own Wind Waker, or any of the characters and stuff, so ha!


	31. Tower of the Gods

_**Tower of the Gods**_

Link crashed into a tall building, and slowly slid into the ocean below.

It did not take long for him to awaken, and he quickly opened his eyes and looked around as he tread water. The King of Red Lions floated next to him.

"Woah, how the hell did you get here so fast?" Link yelped.

The King was silent for a moment.

"I dunno..." he said.

"Uh, what do you mean you don't know...?"

"Link, do you believe in yourself?" The King blurted out.

"I do believe I'm a little freaked out, and I do believe I'm pretty damn pissed, but I guess I believe in myself... Well, gee, that was random. Look, can we stop this whole 'fortune cookie' shit?" Link replied.

"You have faced many hardships, and you must have great courage to have come this far... Link, the place where you are about to go shall truly decide if you are worthy of the title, 'Hero of the Winds.'"

"Ok, uh, what the fuck are you talking about?"

"You must believe in yourself!"

"Dammit, stop it! I'm really scared right about now! What exactly do you want me to do?"

"Go forth, Link, and test your courage!"

"Uh, yeah...BUT WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?" Link screamed.

"Oh, just ride me into that tall building thingy-mabobber over there," The King said, and nodded to a grand building that stood before them.

"Woah, how the hell did that get there?"

The King's voice turned demonic once again.

"NO MORE QUESTIONS, YOU ARE MY BITCH, AND YOU SHALL DO WHAT I SAY!"

"AAAH!" Link screamed, and quickly jumped into the boat.

The pair floated into the tower...

The inside was a large room, and it was completely flooded.

"Oh, great, this should be easy..." Link said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.

But then, all of a sudden, the water lowered.

"The tide comes in and out here," The King said.

"Oh, gee, I didn't notice that!" Link replied with the same sarcastic tone.

"Will you stop mouthing off like that?"

"No!"

"Why the hell not?"

"You ain't the boss o' me!"

"Yes I am!"

"Look, buddy, I'm not your bitch!"

"Yes you are!"

"I am?"

"YES!"

"Nuh-uh!"

But at that moment, the tide rose once again, and the two were lifted up. Link almost fell out of the boat.

"Woah!" he yelped.

The King sighed.

"Look, we can't argue like this now. We'll do it later. You see that cracked wall that seems to be blocking another area?" The King asked, nodding to his left.

Link nodded.

"Yeah..."

"Head over there, and use the bombs to blow up the wall."

Link quietly obeyed, much to his displeasure, and rode over to the wall, yanked out the cannon, and shot it down.

"Ok, see that other area over there? With the statues, and the door. We're going there next."

So far, Link was incredibly pissed to have The King of Red Lions doing this alongside him. He wasn't sure how much more of it he could take.

Once they were over at the area to the right, Link jumped out of the boat, and ran straight into the door out of desperation to escape.

"Ah! Oh, shit my nose!" Link gasped as he placed his hands over his nose. "OW!"

"Good going genius," The King snorted. "It's a barred door!"

Link slowly turned to glare at The King.

"I really don't need to take your fuck right now!" He growled.

"Shut up, and listen to me for once! There are statues here, so pick one up and place it on the glowing platform near the door!"

Grumbling angrily, Link took his hands away from his now bleeding nose, and lifted a statue, then placed it on the glowing platform alongside the door.

The bars lifted, and Link quickly raced through the door.

In the next room, he found a large pool of water below him. The water rose and fell with the tides.

When the water sank to its lowest level, it revealed a switch and a few boxes.

During the "low period", Link jumped into the empty pool, and decided to shove the crate onto the switch. Once this was done, he looked up and saw a rainbow bridge appear above him.

"Woah... That's a little weird... Man, I wish I had bottled some of those fumes from the Forbidden Forest... I could really use those right about now!" he said to himself.

Link climbed up a ladder that lead to the area which he had found himself in upon his entry, and from there, he crossed the bridge just in time before the water rose, lifted up the crate, and destroyed the fucked up rainbow bridge.

At the other end of the bridge sat a large vase-shaped statue, and Link picked it up and stared at it.

"Maybe if I sell this thing, I can earn back the money that I dropped in the water... The only problem with that would be the fact that this thing is too big too fit in my pants..." Link muttered.

He turned around, but the bridge was gone! The tide had risen.

"Aw, dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammi-"

But Link was cut off when the water lowered again, and the bridge reappeared.

"Oh, well, this works out then..." Link said with a shrug.

He carried the statue across the bridge, and exited the room.

And there he was, back with The King of Red Lions.

Link acted as if The King wasn't even there as he looked around the area, and found an indentation next to him that was the same shape as the base of the statue he held in his arms. He placed the statue in the spot.

A huge beam of light shone up from the ceiling! A rumble could be heard in the distance...

"There's a gate somewhere here that is lowering..." The King said.

"I'm not talking to you!" Link snorted as he lifted his nose to the air.

"But you just said something to me."

"I-I-oh, forget it, fuck you!" Link growled as he jumped into the water, and swam to the left.

He didn't know why, but he knew what he was doing... Sort of, almost... But I know why... Mwuahahaha! I used my author powers to make him know what to do! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok, now back to the story.

The next room had the same tide thing going. Some of the walls were cracked too...

Link found himself jumping into the water.

"N-no! Damn those author powers! YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME!" Link screamed.

He climbed onto the ledge in front of the nearest cracked wall, pulled a bomb out of his pants, and placed it on the ledge.

He had momentarily regained control...

"Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something...? Let's see... Put the bomb near the wall... And then...oh yeah! I gotta ru-!"

But Link was cut short when the bomb exploded, and sent him flying into the water.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

Once he was in the water, Link bobbed back up to the surface.

"Ah, dammit..." he sighed, and then turned to look at the wall he had attempted to destroy.

It was gone! And in the hole it left was a treasure chest!

Link quickly swam to the hole and climbed onto the ledge. He walked to the treasure chest.

Maybe it was money!

But when he kicked it open, all there was was a map of the tower...

"WHAT? NO MONEY? FUCK!" Link yelled as he kicked the chest.

He snatched up the dungeon map and examined it...

"You know, I could use this thing actually..."

Link smirked, and rolled the paper into a tube shape. He pulled some matches out of his pants (He keeps everything in there! Seriously!), lit the paper on fire, and began to smoke it.

"Yes! I really, REALLY needed this!"

Link just sat there smoking, eh, dungeon map, for a while...

"Woah, what did I just do...?" Link asked himself as he sat up in a totally different room some time later.

A strange babbling noise filled his ears... Link looked to his left to see four chuchus! But these ones were different... they were yellow, and they seemed to be, like, electric or something.

"Oh, dammit..." Link muttered.

The chuchus drew closer, until the one closest to Link finally sprang up up and into the air!

Link hopped to his feet and jumped out of the way.

The chuchu inched forward and took another leap, bumped right into Link's crotch, and electricuted him!

Link could feel a burning pain go through his body (Mostly his crotch, unfortunately...), and was blasted back.

"Ow...ow... Am I...alive...?" Link moaned as he got to his feet and winced in pain.

He felt his crotch.

"Oh no! There's no feeling in my twig and berries! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FUCK THIS! MY NUTS! MY COCK! THEY'RE...NUMB!" Link cried.

He turned to glare at the chuchus who were coming towards him again.

"YOU! YOU LITTLE BUTT FUCKERS DID THIS TO ME!"

Link growled, and took out his boomerang. He threw it at the chuchus, and while they were stunned, he slashed the shit out of them with his sword. When they wre vanquished, a rainbow staircase appeared, which reminded Link of the fucked up bridge from earlier.

Link stared at it for a moment, then burst into tears.

"My crotch is numb!" he sobbed.

After sobbing for about an hour, Link decided to climb the staircase... I mean, it's not like there was anything else to do!

There was another one of those vase-shaped statues at the top. Link picked it up, and sadly left the room with it...

Maybe he could sell this one...

When he was out of the room, Link found another cross-shaped indentation in the floor.

"Ok, maybe I can't sell it..." he said with a shrug.

Link was too depressed to care anyway... I mean, how would you feel if your most beloved and important body part grew numb?

The statue was sort of a key, and now that it was in its proper place, Link could access a nearby tunnel that had been unaccessible before. He swam to it, and climbed inside. It was like a hallway, so Link just walked along sniffling for a little while, until he finally came across a door. He opened it and went inside.

In the middle of the room was a strange statue, with a rotating ball on top of it. The ball looked like it had an eye painted on it or something. This statue, my friends, was actually a dangerous enemy called a Beamos!

Nearby sat two more statues. These were called Armos statues.

Across the room sat three glowing platforms.

Link picked up the first statue, and ran across the room with it. But the Beamos used its laser and zapped him in the ass!

"AAAH!" Link yelped, and fell to the floor.

The Armos statue fell with him.

The Beamos continued to zap Link!

Finally regaining his senses, even through his pain, Link snatched up the Armos statue and, as quickly as possible, ran to the colored panels.

The area where they sat seemed to be some sort of safe haven... He was safe from the Beamos!

Link placed the statue on the right-hand platform, and then went back for the other one, but this time, he made sure to stay at the edge of the room. He finally placed the second, and last, statue on the middle platform. But this left one platform unoccupied...

"Dammit, what to do, WHAT TO DO!" Link moaned as he sat down on the last platform so he could think, but immediately jumped to his feet because of the burning pain in his ass.

All of a sudden, platforms began to fall fromt he ceiling! They slowly rose up and down, up and down... And they seemed to lead to another floor!

Link took a few deep breaths to get over his pain.

Poor kid... He can't feel his dick, and now he, literally, has a pain in his ass!

Despite the extreme pain, Link climbed and rode the floating platforms upward, until finally, he reached the only unlocked door in the new area. He opened it and went into the new room.

A statue sat atop a large platform.

"Oh, screw this!" Link snorted as he pulled out his guidebook.

He used his guidebook to learn the Command Melody, and also used it to help him through the next few rooms that I didn't feel like writing about.

Some time later, Link strolled out of a room, the Big Key in hand. He found himself on a path outside the tower, and cautiously walked up the stairs on the path.

Little laser beam statue things that lined the stairs shot at Link with their beam thingies, but Link shot at them with his new kick-ass Hero's Bow!

Our hero stayed silent this whole time. He was deep in thought... His mind wandered to his numb crotch, and his burning ass... How could things go so wrong in such a short period of time? How? HOW?

Link was jerked out of his depressing thoughts when he reached the boss door... He put the key in its hole, and opened the door...


	32. Gohdan

_**Gohdan**_

The boss room was dark and dank and made of stone. Link slowly crept forward, looking around. He placed a hand over his crotch for protection, for he didn't want any more harm to come to it. After all, it was still pretty fucking numb.

When Link reached the center of the room, he noticed a stone head with two hands on each side up against the wall. All of a sudden, the stone thing's red eyes opened, and it spoke.

"Welcome, chosen one. Please accept this final challenge..." it said in a deep, booming voice.

"Oh, great, now I feel like I'm in one of those little Disney princess stories where inanimate objects spring to life and start singing and saying rhymes or morals! What the fuck is up with all this?" Link yelled.

The head and its hands were circling around Link... But the boy did not notice, because he was still ranting on and on about how fucked up everything was.

In an instant, one of the hands smacked Link across the room and into the wall.

"HEY!" Link yelled.

His nose began to bleed, and poor Link began to cry from all the stress.

"Don't cry chosen one," The boss, Gohdan, said.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't, asshole!" Link sniffled.

"Uh... Uh, well... Don't you want to like, you know, kill me?"

"NO! I just want to sit here and carry on like there's no tomorrow! And plus, I don't know how to kill you, and this time, I don't want to figure it out! And when I'm done doing all that, I'll hurt you."

"Well, ok, I'll tell you how to kill me. You see, I have these eyeballs in the palms of my hands, see? You shoot them with your arrows, and then my hand will just kinda, like, stay still and stuff. Then you go on to the next hand, and do the same thing. Then do it to the eyes on my face, and when I just sit on the ground and open my mouth, throw a bomb in there. But I warn you, I'm gonna have to hurt you," Gohdan instructed.

Link shrugged and got to his feet.

"Well, I'm just gonna have to beat the shit out of you too, aren't I?"

"Yes. Ok, we'll start again on the count of three," Gohdan said. "One...two...three!"

Link pulled out his Hero's Bow, and aimed at the eye on the left hand, pulled the bow's string back, and released. the arrow flew, and hit the eye. Gohdan used his right hand to slap at Link, but the boy side jumped out of the way. Once again, Link shot at the left eye with his bow, but it missed, and hit one of Gohdan's fingers instead. Gohdan opened his mouth, and a bright yellow light appeared inside of it. He began to shoot balls of energy at Link! Link dodged the first few balls, but the last one hit him right in the stomach, and sent him backwards again, almost knocking the wind out of our young hero. Link coughed and paused to catch his breath for a moment, then he stood up, and aimed an arrow once again at the eye. He pulled, released, and made a perfect shot! Immediately, Link repeated it, and hit the eye a third time! Gohdan's left hand grew limp, and the eye disappeared. But the stone creature lifted up his remaining hand, and tried to bring it down on Link! But the boy rolled out of the way quickly, and aimed his Hero's Bow at the eye on the right hand. He shot it, but his aim was off slightly, so it just hit Gohdan's thumb. Link quickly tried again, but missed! He was running out of arrows...

"Here, I'll give you some more arrows," Gohdan said, and sneezed.

Arrows flew out of his nose!

Link ran and snatched them up.

Damn, this guy is such a dumbass... the boy thought with a snicker as he aimed at the eye on Gohdan's right hand.

This time he made a perfect shot! But another energy beam conjured up by Gohdan pushed Link to the floor. The boy felt the unwanted familiar feeling of electricity running through his body!

He wondered if his crotch would ever feel normal again...

After recovering from the shock, Link pulled back the string of the bow quickly, and released it. The arrow made its target!

One more hit, and this asshole's almost dead... he thought.

"Ah!" Link grunted as he pulled back the bow string so unessecarily hard that it almost broke the bow, and let go. The arrow just barely hit the eye, but it still shut it down anyway.

Now for the eyes on Gohdan's face...

Link aimed higher up as he circled the room, avoiding Gohdan's attacks, and then shot another arrow at the right eye. It missed, and hit Gohdan in the nose.

"Hey! That hurt!" Gohdan cried.

"Life hurts, buddy! Believe me!" Link snorted as he aimed and shot again.

This time the arrow hit smack in the middle of its target! Link immediately tried once more, and made it once again! One more try, and the right eye would be toast... Link pulled back the string briskly, and released. Yes! The right eye grew dark.

Gohdan smacked at Link, but the boy did a back flip and avoided the attack.

He fired another arrow at the left eye, and hit it! But once again, he needed arrows.

As if he could read his thoughts, Gohdan sneezed out some more arrows, which Link quickly grabbed.

The boy shot a second arrow at the left eye, but it missed, and hit Gohdan in the nose once again.

"Stop that!" Gohdan cried.

"Make me!" Link said with a smirk.

"You are a brat, aren't you?"

But Gohdan didn't recieve a reply, because Link shot at the eye a third time. Success!

Ok...here it goes... Link thought as he took a deep breath, and fired...

It made it! Gohdan's other eye went dark, and he hit the ground, mouth open. Link threw a bomb in there like he was told, and when it exploded, the giant stone creature jolted.

Link began to cheer and dance.

"YES, YES, YES! I WON, I WON, I WON, I WO-"

But he was cut off when Gohdan's hands and head sprang up, and all four of his eyes glowed with life once again. He was exactly as he was before the battle!

"W-what...? You're supposed to be _dead_! _DROP DEAD, NOW_!" Link yelled in frustration.

"_Austa la vista, baby_!" Gohdan said as he towered above Link. His mouth opened, and an incredibly bright light appeared in it.

This is it! Link thought as he froze and started to panic. This is the end!

But, all of a sudden, a beeping noise was heard. The bright light faded, and Gohdan looked at his watch.

"Oh, shit, I gotta go, Link. I have an appointment. I now pronounce you a true hero. You can go finish your mission now," Gohdan said hurriedly as he picked up his briefcase.

"_AN APPOINTMENT? YOU CAN'T QUIT! I WAS KICKING YOUR ASS! COME BACK HERE, AND LET ME KICK YOUR ASS!_" Link shrieked.

Gohdan broke through the wall of the tower and left.

"_GET BACK HERE!_" Link screamed at the top of his lungs.

He stared after Gohdan. The stone creature was gone...


	33. Hyrule

_**Hyrule**_

Link sighed and stared around the boss room.

"Damn stone thing..." he muttered angrily as he kicked at some of the rubble left by Gohdan when he had crashed through the tower wall to get to whatever his appointment was.

Link turned around, expecting to see a cyclone that would make him sick and transport him somewhere, but there wasn't one. Instead, there was a light thing...

Link stepped into it, and was soon transported to the very, tip top of the tower...

Our hero looked over the edge of the tower and gasped.

"Oh shit, oh shit, OH SHIT! AAAAAAAAAH! SOMEBODY HELP ME! HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPP!" He screamed as he began to panic.

Link's pocket rumbled, and he nearly fell off the top of the tower! He pulled Tetra's talking stone thing from his pocket, but this time, it was not her voice that spoke through it.

It was The King of Red Lion's...

"Link! What the hell are you doing?"

Link narrowed his eyes with hatred.

"Panicking, what's it look like to you?" he spat.

The King sighed.

"Link, look behind you..."

Link grumbled and turned around.

All he saw was a grappling hook bar thingy, and a bell.

"Wow, I'm impressed," he said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"Don't you take that tone with me, young man! Use your grappling hook to hang from the grappling hook bar thing, and start swinging so the bell can ring," the King of Red Lions instructed.

"How the hell's that gonna help anything?" Link asked, still not amused.

"Look, do you want to stay on top of this tower for the rest of your miserable existence, or what? JUST FUCKING DO IT!"

"Ah! Ok, OK!" Link said.

He didn't want to stay on that tower another minute anway.

He followed The King's orders, and began to swing from the grappling hook bar thing using his grappling hook. Sure enough, the bell began to sound, and Link was mysteriously transported from the top of the tower into the King of Red Lions who was waiting outside the Tower of the Gods.

But this time, author powers did not make this happen... This time, it was the power of Shigeru Myamoto, or whatever his name is, and his clan of japanese Nintendo Gamecube Zelda people! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ha...ha... Whoo... Ok, now back to the story... I guess...

"How the hell did I just get back down here? Is that dungeon map not completely out of my system?" Link asked.

_Was _it out of his system yet? Link thought for a moment. No, it was still in there a bit. The water still looked purple to him, and the King of Red Lions looked like Paris Hilton.

"What do you mean?" the King of Red Lions asked.

"Oh, yeah, well, I... I kinda smoked one of the dungeon maps that I found, so..." Link muttered.

"Well, whatever. You see that beam of light in the water in front of us? That's where we're headed," The King said, nodding to a circle of light.

"Yes. Yes I do, Paris Hilton," Link replied.

"Wait, what? Did you just call me Paris Hilton?"

"Uh...no, I didn't..."

"Ok, uh, so anyway, let's just go into that light thingy," The King said.

The two of them slowly and dramatically sailed into it, and they began to sink underwater!

Link held his breath, but they kept sinking deeper and deeper into the water.

"Breathe, stupid, before you suffocate!" The King said.

"How can I breathe if we're underwater? Oh, wait. I can breath. Well, this is odd..." Link said.

They finally reached wherever the hell they were headed.

Link looked around in shock.

They were in front of some castle, and everything was black and white! Dun, dun!

"Where the hell are we?" Link asked.

"We are in...(insert dramatic pause here.) Hyrule..." The King said.

"Oh."

"'Oh' is all you have to say?"

"Alrighty then, FINE. Gasp. There, ya happy?" Link said irritably.

"Ok, I guess that's good enough. So, anyway, I do not have time to explain myself! You must go into Hyrule castle, and the item you shall obtain in there will be the key to kicking Ganon's ass!"

Link jumped out of The King, or, Paris Hilton, as he thought at the moment, and walked into the castle.

It was a little broken, and there were moblins and dark knuts (those dog/knight things.) everywhere! But they were standing still, as if frozen in time... Up ahead stood a huge statue of Link, the Hero of Time! Not the one in this story. And in the middle of it all, sat three triangular blocks.

"Wow! I'm like, in Hyrule with Paris Hilton! Damn, this is so cool!" Link said to himself.

He walked towards the three triangular blocks, and then I, using my author powers, controlled him to push the blocks so that they formed the triforce!

Link is so easy to control when he's stoned.

The three blocks mysteriously sank into the floor, and the large Link statue slid off its base, revealing some stairs. Link, not the statue Link, but the stoned Link, descended those stairs...

They lead to the basement of the castle, and in the middle of the room, sat a large, kick ass sword, which was the Master Sword, on a pedestal.

Link walked towards it, and immediately yanked it from its place.

All of a sudden, a bright light lit up the entire castle, and everything was in color!

"Ok, I'm bored now, so I'm gonna go find Paris Hilton so she can get me the hell out of here!" Link mumbled as he climbed back up the stairs, Master Sword in hand.

"Oh shit..." Link gasped when he saw that all the moblins and dark knuts had sprung to life!

A moblin turned, saw Link, and began to run at him, its staff raised!

Link screamed and jumped back, not sure of what to do now...

But an idea came to him, right on time!

Our hero pulled a box of Cheerios from his pants, and waved them in the air in front of the moblin.

"LOOK! CHEERIOS!" He yelled, and threw the box across the room.

Every enemy in the room turned to stare at the box.

"CHEERIOS?" They said in unison, and began to run to the box.

Link chuckled and skipped out of the room.

"Ha ha! Suckers!"

Our hero returned to Paris Hilton.

"Did you get the Master Sword?" Paris asked.

"Yep, and I kicked the shit out of a whole butt load of moblins and dark knuts with it!" Link declared triumphantly.

Paris Hilton snorted.

"No you didn't. You just gave them a box of cheerios."

"You're hot..."

"What? Earth to Link! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? AND WHY HAVE YOU BEEN CALLING ME PARIS HILTON?"

"Wait, you're not Paris Hilton?"

"NO! I'M THE KING OF RED LIONS!"

It was about that time that the water lost its purple color and turned back to blue, and Paris Hilton turned back into the King of Red Lions.

"DAMMIT, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ALWAYS SHATTER MY DREAMS? I WAS TEMPORARILY LIVING IN A WORLD WITH PURPLE WATER AND PARIS HILTON!" Link shouted

"It was the dungeon map that did this to you, wasn't it?" The King asked.

Link sighed.

"Yes..."

"Well, thank goodness it wore off. Now Link, can you guess where we're going now?" The King asked.

"Hell?"

"No, you little bastard! We're going to the Forsaken Fortress, to rescue your sister!"

"Why should I care what you have to say, you're not Paris Hilton, and you're not purple either!" Link replied. "Oh, wait, we're going _where_?"

"Dumbass, we're going to rescue Aryll!"

The pair slowly floated into the circle of light, and were transported back to the surface of the water...


	34. Return to the Forsaken Fortress

_**Return to the Forsaken Fortress**_

When the two reached the surface, Link regained the feeling in his crotch.

"YESSS! I CAN FEEL MY DICK AND BALLS! WOOHOO!"

"Ok, I did not need to know that just now..." the King of Red Lions muttered as he shook his head. "Let's go to the Forsaken Fortress now."

"HOORAY! THE NUMBNESS IS GONE!"

"I said let's go to the Forsaken Fortress!"

"WOOT!"

"DAMMIT, YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE, LET'S GO ALREADY!"

Link looked at The King.

"Geez, you're a fun sucker..." he muttered as he drew the sail.

"How dare you talk that way to your superior!" The King shouted as the two sailed towards the fortress.

"I'll talk whatever way I wanna talk, and you can't stop me! I'm am so sick and tired of you always telling me what to do, and treating me like your bitch!"

"I'm a hell of a lot better than you are, and plus, I'm a hell of a lot older too, so I know more stuff!"

"Oh, well, then don't break a hip old man!"

"HOW DARE YOU MOCK MY AGE!"

"YEAH, WELL, TRY TO STOP ME, FOSSIL!" Link snorted. "GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK, WOODEN HEAD THAT I'M AN INDEPENDENT PERSON, AND I CAN DO WHAT I WANT! ALL THIS TIME, I'VE BEEN LETTING YOU PUT ME DOWN, AND NOW I'M TIRED OF IT! YOU AREN'T HELPING ME! YOU'RE JUST PISSING ME OFF!"

The King was silent, apparently shocked.

"I...I..." he stuttered.

"NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP UNTIL WE GET TO THE FORTRESS!" Link commanded.

There was a heavy silence for the rest of the trip. The King was fuming, and Link was stunned by his own statements.

The pair finally reached the fortress.

"Listen, there's a wooden gate somewhere here, and you can use your bombs to destroy it and make entry..." The King muttered thickly.

Link nodded and pulled out the cannon.

"Whatever..."

After circling for a while, they finally found the gate, and destroyed it. They were in the same spot where Link had landed during his previous trip to the fortress. Link jumped out of The King, and began to walk up the stairs. But before he completely left the King of Red Lions, our hero gave him the finger, then continued on his way.

But when Link reached the top of the steps, a large, black ghostly figure appeared.

It was Phantom Ganon!

"I shall now kill you, you little bastard!" Phantom Ganon said as he lifted up his left hand and began to conjure up an evil energy beam in its palm.

"Wait!" Link cried.

The beam in the phantom's palm disappeared.

"What?" Phantom Ganon asked irritably.

Link pulled out a box of cheerios and threw it a good distance away.

"Go fetch!"

"HA! Dumbass, I'm not gonna fall for that whole cheerios thing like those moblins did!"

The phantom began to produce an energy beam once again.

"Uh-oh..." Link muttered, and began to think. "W-wait just one more second!"

"WHAT NOW?"

Link pulled the Lucky Charms leperchaun out of his pants.

"You'll never get me Lucky Charms!" the leperchaun cried, and began to dart across the fortress.

"WAIT! COME BACK, LEPERCHAUN!" Phantom Ganon yelled as he chased after the leperchaun.

"Ha, ha, who's the dumbass now?" Link chuckled.

At that moment, a treasure chest appeared. Link opened it, and found a really big ass hammer called the Skull Hammer!

The boy made his way to Aryll's prison, his new big ass hammer in hand, and threw cheerios at any creature that opposed him during his trek.

At last, he reached his destination, and pushed the door open.

Aryll was still there, sitting slumped against the side of her cell nearest the door, crying. Two headless bodies lay near her, their heads not too far away.

"Aryll!" Link called.

Aryll turned around.

"B-big brother? Is that you?"

Link ran up to the cell.

"Yeah, it's me, but how do I get you out of here?"

"Brother, I missed you!"

"Yeah, I missed you too, kid..." Link mumbled as he tried to look for a way to open the locked door.

"You know, you're not gonna be able to open the door just by looking at it, dumbass," a familiar, and most unwanted voice said from behind Link.

Link spun around, only to face Tetra, and a few of her big ass pirates.

"Ah! Not you again! Scram, bitch!" the boy yelled.

"Chill, asshole, we're here to help!" Tetra said.

She motioned to the door with a wave of her hand, and two of the pirates yanked the door right off its hinges.

"You're...helping me?" Link asked as he blinked.

"For a price!" Tetra replied with a smirk. "You're gonna have to pay me for this, _and_ those bombs I gave you! And if you're worried about your sister...don't be. I promise I'll deliver her safely back to your little island. And that'll cost ya even more!"

Link glared at Tetra.

"Damn, you play dirty..."

Tetra held out her hand.

"Pay up, fag."

Aryll ran up and hugged her older brother, who hugged her back absentmindedly.

"Well...?" Tetra asked. "Where's my payment?"

Link sighed and thought for a moment.

"I...I...uh...have it in the bank...place, and uh...I'll give it to you when I make a withdrawel...?" Link lied.

Tetra sighed and shrugged.

"Ok then. I expect you to give me 1,000 rupees, so you better hurry and go to the bank soon."

Aryll looked up at Link.

"But brother-"

"Shut up, Aryll!" Link warned.

Gonzo lifted up Aryll, slung her over his shoulder like some sort of tote bag, and carried her off. But before he did, he blew Link a kiss, _then_ left.

Our hero cringed.

Tetra turned, and was about to leave, but before doing so, she looked over her shoulder at Link.

"Remember-1,000 rupees! Oh yeah, and I think you oughta kill that bird that's about to come through the top of the room and attempt to kill you. Ok, see ya."

After Tetra left, Link looked up, and sure enough, the giant bird was slowly coming through a hole in the ceiling...


	35. The Helmaroc King

_**The Helmaroc King**_

It was then that Link noticed that his feet were wet, and it wasn't because he had just wet himself... (Even though he did.) The room was beginning to flood!

"Oh, shit..."

Link looked around desperately, and spotted a spiraling walk way leading to the hole in the ceiling and to the roof of the fortress.

It was his last hope, so he began to run as fast as he could up to the roof.

By that time, the bird was all the way in the room, hovering above the water as it stared at Link.

Link was running out of breath, but he managed to keep his pace.

All of a sudden, the bird smashed its beak into the part of the walk in front of Link!

The boy yelped and jumped across the gap.

"FUCKING BIRD! I'M GONNA HAVE TO BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUTTA YOU!"

The bird kept destroying chunks of the walkway, forcing Link to jump over them. At last, he made it to the top.

The Helmaroc King followed him out, and took to the skies, squawking and showering feathers over Link.

The hole that the two had come out of was now shut by a metal thingy, and nearby, a strange path was blocked by some spikes.

Link pulled the Skull hammer out of his pants.

He had learned that when you fight a boss, you ALWAYS use the new weapon you got along with your sword to kill it.

The bird began to soar straight at the boy, but stopped in front of him instead, and landed on the ground. It waddled towards the boy, who backed up quickly. But Link accidentally backed into the spikes, and nearly fell over with pain.

Meanwhile, somewhere down near the pirate ship, Tetra began to climb on board when a realization struck her.

"Wait a minute-THERE IS NO BANK ON THE GREAT SEA! Oooooh, that LIAR!" she yelled.

Tetra turned to Gonzo.

"Gonzo! Tell everyone we're not leaving just yet! I have some unfinished business..."

And with that, the pirate girl set off to find Link.

Back on top of the fortress, Link kept dodging the bird's attacks. His nose was bleeding from when he had run into the spikes while trying to escape the Helmaroc King's beak, and now, he was really pissed!

The bird pecked at Link again, but this time, it missed, and its beak got stuck in the stone floor.

Link laughed and pointed at the bird.

"HA HA! Stupid, dumbass chicken!"

He then decided that he should take advantage of the moment, so he angrily brought his Skull Hammer down on the face of the bird.

The creature shrieked in pain, and finally removed its face from the floor. The mask it wore upon its face had cracked a little bit from the blow.

Link quickly started to run again as the creature lunged towards him, landed, and tried to peck him again.

Our hero accidentally walked into the spikes while backing away from the massive creature, and while he was still trying to get past the pain, the bird pecked him on the side.

Link fell to the floor, gasped, winced, and slowly got up again.

"So, this is how it's gonna go, is it?" He growled, staring up at the bird. "Fine! It's about time I fucking killed you!"

The bird brought its beak down, missed Link, and got its face stuck in the ground once again. Link smashed the face plate mask thing with the hammer, and it cracked even more. The pissed off creature once again removed its face from the floor and took to the skies, cawing and screeching.

Link was showered with brightly colored feathers as the bird circled him from above. The boy examined one of the feathers.

"Heeeey, I bet I could sell these..."

But before he could think any further, the Helmaroc King flew downward, and smashed against Link's side, sending him into the spikes once again.

Our hero hit the ground, trying to regain his breath, but the wind had been knocked out of him. He began to cough up blood.

"Damn...you...! As if...I haven't...bled...enough...!" he gasped.

Elsewhere, Tetra raced up the Forbidden Fortress.

"That stupid son of a bitch! There is no bank! That big ass bird won't be the one to do him in... I will!" she growled to herself.

All of a sudden, Phantom Ganon appeared before her, stopping the girl in her tracks.

"Hey, you!" the phantom said. "You're not gonna pass! I already let one little prick pass by, and I'm not about to let it get to two!"

Tetra stared up at him with a raised brow.

"So... You're not gonna let me pass, are you?"

"Nope! I'm just going to kill you, right here, right now!" Phantom Ganon declared.

"But before I die, I have one question for you..." Tetra said.

"Er...what is it...?"

Tetra pulled a Tootsie Pop out of her pocket.

"How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" she asked.

Phantom Ganon hesitated.

"I...uh... OH, GIVE ME THAT!" he yelled, snatching the lollipop away from Tetra. He unraveled the paper, and began to lick the lollipop.

Tetra chuckled and began to run to her destination... Which was wherever the hell Link was at...

She glanced over her shoulder at Phantom Ganon.

"Heh heh! What a sucker!" she said to herself, grinning.

Back up at the top of the Forsaken Fortress, Link was back on his feet, but just barely.

The Helmaroc King cawed, and floated to the ground. It slowly approached Link.

Link backed up, but not too far, so he wouldn't hit the spikes again. The bird pecked at him, but for the third time, its beak got stuck in the ground. The boy smashed the face plate with his hammer once more, and it almost cracked to pieces upon impact.

Link laughed triumphantly.

"Ha ha, dumbass prick chicken!"

The bird was really pissed off now. I mean, like, REALLY pissed off...

But at that moment, Phantom Ganon appeared out of nowhere.

"Hey, Helmaroc King! I'm trying to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop... Can you help me?" he asked.

The bird turned away from Link to look at Phantom Ganon.

"Ok," it cawed.

The two fiends began to lick the lollipop together, but, as you should know, birds can't eat candy... The Helmaroc King began to gag, and then he keeled over, dead.

Link watched the scene with both interest and amusement.

All of a sudden, the spikes mysteriously disappeared, and Link was free to go forward.

"Dammit, I'll never figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop!" The phantom cried as he disappeared.

Link shrugged, and continued up the path to Ganon's lair...


	36. Encounter With Ganon

_**Encounter with Ganon**_

After walking for some time, Link came to a beautifully embroidered door. He hastily and angrily pushed it open, and walked inside.

"Alright you bastard, I've got a couple of things to say to you!" Link yelled.

The evil man was standing, his back to Link.

"I will be the one talking first, you little prick..." Ganondorf said.

"Ha, I already got the first few words in!"

"Fool! Do you know who I am?"

"Yes, actually, I do!"

Ganondorf turned around.

"My name is Ganondorf... But my friends call me Ganon..."

Link rolled his eyes.

"Oh, gee, I'm learning so much I didn't know!" he said sarcastically.

"That sword you hold is so fucking useless..." Ganondorf replied in a low tone.

"Huh...?"

"That's right. The Master Sword is old shit, and now it doesen't even work anymore! When you removed it from it's pedestal, you opened a door... A door that kept me inmprisoned for hundreds of years! And now that it is opened, my power will be allowed to grow, and I will become so awesomely strong..."

"Yeah, well, maybe it'll help you to lose a couple o' pounds, buddy..."

"FOOL! Wait, wait... Go back outside and wait a few minutes... I'm not getting my lines right."

"What lines?"

"Damn you, boy! I had written out EXACTLY what I wanted to say for an occasion like this!" Ganondorf said angrily.

"Well, you have a lot of free time on your hands, don't you?" Link retorted.

"Just get outside! Then come back in, and we'll start over!"

"NO!"

"DO IT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

Link crossed his arms.

"Make me, mother fucker..." he said with a smirk.

"Fine! I will!" Ganondorf replied.

The evil man pulled some marijuana and one rupee out of his, uh...clothes... Then he opened up the door, and threw the items outside.

"FETCH!"

Link scampered out the door after the crack and the money.

Ganondorf chuckled.

"Heh heh...sucker..."

He shut the door, then began to flip through his lines.

After some time, Link had finished smoking the pot, and was pretty damn stoned. Again.

The boy shoved open the door to Ganondorf's lair.

"Hey, uh...Ganondorf...? Do you have any oreos?" Link asked.

Ganondorf turned around dramatically.

"The blade you wield is useless... When you drew it from it's pedestal, you opened the door that sealed my power... And now that that door is opened, I am free to build up my strength..." he said.

"Yeah, uh..." Link muttered.

"You have a reckless nature, my boy... And it's getting you dick deep in trouble..."

"Do you have any oreos?"

"SILENCE! I do not posess any oreos..."

"Ok then. What about cheetos?"

"No, I don't have cheetos either... NOW SHUT UP!" Ganondorf said.

"Ok," Link replied.

Then, for absolutely no apparent reason, Link ran up to Ganondorf and tried to stab him. The evil man knocked Link to the floor, and pointed one of his twin swords at the boy's ass.

"Do not attempt to defeat me, boy... Your sword lacks the power to repel evil now..."

Link just began to laugh hysterically.

"STOP MOCKING ME!" Ganondorf yelled.

Link continued.

"STOP IT!"

The laughing failed to cease...

Ganondorf began to cry.

"STOP MAKING FUN OF MEEEEEEE!"

Then, all of a sudden, a light thud was heard behind the evil man. Ganondorf turned around, only to see Tetra standing there. She had just jumped through the window... Her gaze fell upon Link, who was rolling around on the ground, laughing over nothing.

"ALRIGHT, LINK, THE JIG IS UP! IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT THERE _IS_ NO BANK ON THE GREAT SEA! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU, STEAL ALL YOUR MONEY, THEN CUT YOUR DICK OFF AND HANG IT ON MY BEDROOM WALL AS A TROPHY!" she yelled.

"Wait a moment, I want to kill Link!" Ganondorf protested.

Tetra gave him the finger.

"Not on my watch, ass fucker... I'm going to be the one to kill him!"

Ganondorf siezed Tetra by the neck and started choking her.

"BITCH! HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT ME LIKE THAT!"

"Let-me-GO!" Tetra protested.

Then, for some strange reason, the triangular symbol of the triangular triforce on Ganondorf's hand began to glow... The man gasped, and brushed a strand of Tetra's hair away so he could see her right ear. What he saw made him chuckle evilly, for on the pirate girl's ear, was a triangular triangle earring...

"At last, I have found you... PRINCESS ZELDA!" Ganondorf said dramatically.

By that time, Tetra had stopped struggling, for she had fainted from lack of oxygen.

Link finally stopped laughing, sat up, and stared at the two of them. Then he scrunched up his face, pointed at Tetra, then began to laugh hysterically again as he fell back down on the ground with a thud. He too passed out from lack of oxygen.

Ganondorf had taken a short break to laugh maniaclly, which he shouldn't have done. When he turned his head to look at Tetra, she was gone! Then he turned to Link, who was gone too! The evil man ran to the window, and looked outside.

Prince Komali hovered in the air, holding Tetra, while Quill hovered next to him, carrying Link. Then, all of a sudden, The Great Valoo peered into Ganondorf's window, and blew fire out of his mouth, burning the fortress! Then, Komali and Quill flew away with Link and Tetra...


	37. Princess Zelda

_**Princess Zelda**_

The King of Red Lions, Quill, and Prince Komali were gathered near the Tower of the Gods... The two rito had flown them to the boat after Valoo set fire to the Forsaken Fortress, and now they were having some fun with Link and Tetra, who lay together in the King of Red Lions. No, not THAT kind of fun...

Komali chuckled as he arranged the two kids just the way he wanted.

"Ok, ok guys, the deed is done!" he said.

The three of them began to laugh as they admired the prince's work.

"Ok, well, it was nice talking to you guys. Tell the chieftain I said, 'hi,'" The King said as he floated away into the circle of light leading to Hyrule.

An hour or more later, Tetra and Link slowly opened their eyes... It took them a moment to realize that they were practically cuddling eachother, as if they had just, well, you know...thanks to Prince Komali's doing.

_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" _Tetra screamed.

_"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"_ Link yelled, falling out of the boat.

Tetra jumped out next to him.

_"YOU RAPED ME, DIDN'T YOU?"_

_"I DIDN'T RAPE YOU! HOW DO I KNOW YOU DIDN'T RAPE ME?" _Link replied, standing up.

Tetra slapped Link, then shoved him back into the water.

_"FUCK YOU!"_

Then she jumped on top of him, and began to beat the shit out of our hero. The water began to turn red. The girl held Link's head down, in an attempt to drown him, but Link fought back and kicked her away, gasping for air. Then he leaped on top of her, and the two were at it!

Link and Tetra beat eachother for over an hour before they finally stopped.

Panting, Link held onto the King of Red Lions for support.

Tetra sat in the water, panting just as hard.

"You...bitch..." Link gasped.

Once she had gotten her breath back, Tetra stood up.

"Now, I will proceed to take your wallet!" she said.

"HA! You won't find it!" Link retorted.

"Wanna bet?" Tetra replied with a smirk.

She strolled over to Link, and reached into his pants.

Link screamed and struggled to get away, but the girl wouldn't let him.

"Wait! I found something!" Tetra said.

Link gasped.

"Uh...Tetra...? That's not...that's NOT my wallet..." he said.

When Tetra realized what she was _really_ holding, she let go.

"Ew!"

Link smirked.

"I told you you couldn't find it..."

"Damn you! Where _is_ it?"

"HA! Like I'm gonna tell you!"

Tetra got a sickening idea.

"Oh my God... It's up your ass, isn't it?"

Link blinked.

"Uh...no..." he lied.

"I know you're lying!" Tetra said.

"I'm not!"

"Yes you are... Hmm... This is a predicament. Either go without the money, or reach up your ass... No money, ass...no money, ass..."

She thought over her options.

All of a sudden, Link's pocket rumbled and he jumped and screamed.

"THE EPOCOLIPSE!"

"It's just me! Look... Bring Tetra into the place where you got the Master Sword... Now," the King's voice said.

Tetra stopped thinking. She had heard everything the King of Red Lions had said.

"Huh? Who's that talking through my stone?" she barked.

"Uh... Well, uh, come with me and you'll find out!" Link said.

He needed to distract Tetra so she wouldn't reach up his ass.

"Whatever," she said.

The two of them walked into the castle.

Link could still see the moblins and dark knuts fighting over the cheerios.

At last, the two kids reached the castle basement.

"Where the fuck are we? Is this some kind of _joke_?" Tetra spat.

"Just shut the fuck up!" Link replied, glaring at Tetra.

"HEY! I'll kick your fucking ass!"

"FUCK YOU!"

"NO, FUCK YOU!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, BOTH OF YOU!" said a voice.

Link and Tetra turned to see a big, fat, kingly-looking old man in red.

He had the same voice as Link's boat...

"YOU!" Tetra yelled. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH MY TALKING STONE THING?"

"Just shut the fuck up and I'll tell you!" the man said.

There was silence for a moment.

"Fuck..." Link muttered.

"What was that for?" the man asked.

Link shrugged.

"I had to get the last fuck in... Is that such a crime?"

"Well, whatever... Anyways... My name is...it is...IT IS..." the man said.

_"WHAT?"_ Link and Tetra yelled in unison.

"King Daphness Nohansen Hyrule... Link, I am the boat who has been talking to you... And this...THIS is my kingdom..."

"Woah... That's really fucked up!" Link said. "I need a beer..."

Tetra slapped Link. Link slapped her back.

"Ok, uh...anyways... Tetra, please step forward," the King said.

"Nuh-uh!" Tetra said.

Link shoved her forward.

"Tetra... The pendant you wear on your ear. Is it true that your mother gave it to you?" Daphness asked.

"Yeah...so?"

"And is it true that she asked you to guard it WITH YOUR LIFE?"

Tetra nodded.

"That is no ordinary earring! It's a part of the triforce of wisdom. Tetra...you ARE Princess Zelda!"

The King pulled a golden thing out of his pocket. It floated over to Tetra's head, and there was a bright light...

Link blinked with surprise.

Tetra was hardly Tetra anymore... She had turned into Princess Zelda!

"Ok... Now I really need a beer. And I'm NOT kidding!" Link said.

Tetra/Zelda looked at the white glove on her hand. On it was a picture of the triforce.

"I understand now... Oh, wait, no I don't," Zelda said.

"Ok, this was pretty pointless..." Link said.

"Well, it wasn't TOTALLY pointless," the King said.

"Yeah, it kind of was," the boy snorted.

"Who cares what you think, you little fucker? Now, Zelda, we're gonna leave you here," Daphness said.

"What! Why?" Zelda yelled.

"Hmm... I don't really know. I guess I just felt like locking you in the basement of my castle. Now, come Link! we have to like, return the power to the Master Sword!"

The King teleported away.

Link turned to walk out of the room.

"Link, wait!" Zelda called.

Link spun around.

"Look, bitch, what more do you want from me?"

"I...I..." she stuttered.

"YESSS?" Link hissed.

"Link...I'm pregnant with your child..."

Ok, here it is! THE TRUTH ABOUT TETRA! Dun, dun, DUN! BTW, leave a review! Don't make me get my penguin out here!


	38. Cyclos

_**Cyclos**_

Link stared at Zelda. There was a long moment of silence...

_"...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!" _he finally shouted.

Zelda stared back at him for a moment, then she scrunched up her face. The princess keeled over, and began rolling around on the ground with laughter.

_"HA HA HA HA HA! YOU ARE SUCH A DUMBASS, LINK! YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVED THAT I WAS PREGNANT? WITH YOUR BABY? HA HA HA HA HAAAAA! YOU'RE SOOOOOOO GULLIBLE! I WOULD NEVER WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABY! THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN! HA HA HA HA!" _she screamed.

Link glared down at her.

_"Bitch! I didn't believe you for a second!"_

"Ha ha, yes you did! The look on your face! PRICELESS! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Then, all of a sudden, the King appeared with a video camera.

_"And I got it all on tape!"_ he crowed, and then began laughing too.

Link turned bright red. An episode like that is NOT good at all for a boy's masculinity (or however you spell that).

"Yeah...well...!" he tried to think of a good comeback, but couldn't.

There was only one thing to do... He snatched up Zelda's purse, which was laying on the ground, and ran off with it for revenge.

"HEY! MY PURSE!" Zelda yelled.

She ran after Link, but he was quicker than her. The boy ran out the basment door, but Zelda tripped and fell down thw stairs. Link smiled triumphantly.

"Bitch...you got what you deserved!"

"Ow...my leg!" Zelda's voice called as Link exited the building.

A few minutes later, Link was sitting in the boat, happily counting his new earnings, when life returned to the vessel. The King was back in boat form.

"Damn...she's rich! There's like, a million rupees in this thing!" Link said, half to himself, half to the King.

"There's just one problem with that money..." the King of Red Lions said.

"What's that?" Link asked, feeling as if nothing could spoil the feeling of pride he got from his winnings.

"It's Monopoly money..." the King said.

Link froze.

"Huh?"

He looked at the money.

"NOOOOO! IT...CAN'T BE! THEY'RE...THEY'RE...FAKE!" he screamed, once he realized that the rupees were plastic.

Link disgustedly threw them, along with the purse, into the water.

"DAMMIT!"

The King of Red Lions was holding his video camera in his mouth.

"I got that on tape too!"

Link was too upset, pissed, and confused as to why one would carry a purse full of fake money around to fight back, so he just pulled a large bottle of vodka out of his pants (or maybe his ass), and began to chug it.

"Well, anyway, we still have a lot to do. You must gather the eight pieces of the triforce, AND find the sages of the wind and earth temples. But before we do that, I must ask, do you remember Zephos?"

Link just kept drinking without taking a breath.

"Of course you do. And remember how he told you he had a brother?"

Link _still_ kept drinking, and said nothing.

"Me too. We're going to find Zephos' brother, Cyclos, and hit him with arrows because it's fun and if we hit him hard enough, he'll teach us a song. Now, let's go!" the King declared.

The pair floated away from Hyrule, and were once again near the Tower of the Gods. Link finally pulled the bottle away from his mouth so he could breathe.

"Ok. I have marked Cyclos' location on your sea chart. Are you ready? Link? ...Link?"

"Wait, wha? You say somethin'?" Link asked.

"Didn't you hear me, dumbass? Look at your sea chart!"

"Oh..." Link said absentmindedly as he pulled out the sea chart. "I don't get it..."

"What the fuck is up with you? Are you drunk or something?"

"Uh...maybe a little..."

"Well, whatever... Let's go," the King of Red Lions said.

The two set sail, although rather crookedly... Finally, they reached an area where the sky darkened, and a super big ass cyclone appeared! Inside it sat a pink frog on a pink cloud...

"Link! Start hitting him with your arrows!" the King commanded.

"What for?" Link asked.

"Damn, you're really out of it... Are you aware that you have drug and alchohol problems?"

"...Uh... Yes..." Link muttered.

"Oh, well, who cares... Just start firing those arrows!"

"No."

The King needed a plan... Link apparently was too drunk to want to do it, but on the other hand, he probably wouldn't have wanted to do it even if he was sober.

"Ok, uh... Link! If you do this, I'll give you a cookie!" the King said.

"I may be drunk, but I'm not stupid!" Link snorted.

"I'll give you five rupees..." the King of Red Lions offered.

"CONSIDER IT DONE!" Link said gleefully, and began to shoot arrows at Cyclos, although, his aim was a bit off. But, somehow, he finally hit the guy three times. The cyclone disappeared, and Cyclos flew down to Link and the King of Red Lions.

"Hey, man, that's not cool! Why must someone always piss me off when I'm busy jackin' off?" Cyclos said.

"Wha...?" Link muttered.

"Um...ok, I like, really did NOT need to hear that..." the King replied. "Look, just teach him the song like the guide book says, and then you can get back to your...business."

"Oh, MAN! You're the MAN, man! FIGHT THE POWER!" Cyclos said.

He began to throw condoms at Link and the King of Red Lions.

"HEY! STOP THAT, YOU HIPPIE!" the King yelled. "Are you fucking crazy?"

"I'm not crazy...I just think we should live in a world where man can roam free with no clothes on his back, and jack off wherever he pleases..." Cyclos replied.

"WHY can't you just teach him the fucking song?" the King said.

"Oh...that's all you wanted me to do?"

"Uh, YEAH! Duh! You should've heard me the first time!"

"Oh, well...ok, man," Cyclos said, turning to Link. "Ok, little dude, memorize this..."

The frog played a little song like he does in the game.

"Wait, wait, what were we doing again?" Link asked.

"Didn't you just hear the song?" the King said.

"No...I was hearing voices instead..." Link replied.

There was an eerie moment of silence.

Cyclos played the song again, and again, and again, and again, until Link finally memorized it, but it took so long, he grew sober. By that time, the frog was so horny, he left without so much as a goodbye, so he could return to jacking off.

"The song you just learned allows you to transport to certain parts on the Great Sea. When you play it, a big ass cyclone will carry us off. Ok?" the King said.

"Wait, a cyclone? Well, that sucks!" Link spat.

"Why?"

"I have a weak stomach..."

"So?"

"So..."

"Ooooooh!"

"YES!"

"Oh, well, who gives a fuck? Just play it so we can get to the fairy fountain on Mother and Child Isles or whatever it's called."

"I'm NOT doing it until I have pepto bismal!"

"I don't _have_ any pepto!" the King replied exasperatedly.

Link snorted.

"Well, then, I'm not doing it..."

"I'll paaaaaay yoouu..." the King of Red Lions offered.

"Oh! Ok, then!" Link said cheerfully.

The boy played the song, a big ass cyclone appeared, and they were off! Off to the fairy fountain!


	39. The Fairy Queen

_**The Fairy Queen**_

The King of Red Lions and Link spun around in circles and sank until they finally hit the water of some grotto place thing. They were at none other than the Fairy Fountain/Lair of the Fairy Queen! When they finally stopped, Link fell out of the boat.

"Oh, God..." he moaned.

"What's wrong" the King asked.

"Ugh! I think my stomach's gonna explode..." Link replied in a choked voice as he clutched his stomach.

"Well, throw up or something! I dunno..."

"IT'S STUCK IN THERE, YOU BASTARD" Link shouted.

All of a sudden, a silvery-chrome-looking young girl appeared above the water.

"What the fuck is all this" she asked innocently.

"Um, do you have any pepto" the King of Red Lions asked. "And who the fuck are you"

"I'm the fairy queen! And yeah, I got some pepto...why"

The King of Red Lions nodded to Link who was rolling around in the water, screaming, and crying.

"What, is he in labor or something" the Queen asked.

"The kid's just got a weak stomach...give him the pepto."

The Queen threw the bottle at Link, and it bounced off his head.

"Whatcha waitin' for, boy? Pick up the damn box"

"CAN'T YOU SEE HOW MUCH FUCKIN' PAIN I'M IN, BITCH" Link screamed.

The Fairy Queen sighed, and flew down near Link, picked up the bottle, opened it, and grabbed Link. She shoved the liquid down his throat.

"There ya go! Better" she said.

Link sat up.

"Yeah, I guess that feels a lot bet"

But he was cut short when he chucked all over the Fairy Queen.

"AH! EW! YOU SON OF A BITCH! DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA HAVE TO DO NOW" she screamed.

"No, and I don't particularly care..." Link replied with a smirk.

"I'm gonna have to take my clothes off..." the Fairy Queen replied with a smirk.

Link scrambled backwards.

"Oh, shit! You're not gonna"

"Why not"

"Because you didn't pay me yet..." Link said with a wink.

"Ok...is this what I think it is..." the King replied.

"How much money ya got" Link asked.

"Hmm...about...1,000,000 rupees. How much should I pay you"

"It depends on what exactly we're doing. 15 rupees should get you an hour of my services. But, if you give me 100 rupees, I'll take you as far as you wanna go, for as long as you want" Link said.

"Ooh! Ooh! Here's 100" the Queen said, handing Link the money.

The two of them went over a few things, then they went to a clump of trees in the grotto.

"Isn't this illegal! Oh, wait! IT IS" the King said.

The boat just sat there for hours and hours, listening and thinking about things that he found incredibly sickening and unpleasant.

"Quiet down! I can _hear_ you guys" he said.

There was no reply. Just more of the...oh, nevermind.

Finally, after about 6 hours, Link and the Queen came out of the trees, laughing.

"Have fun" the King of Red Lions asked, rolling his eyes.

"Hell yeah" the Fairy Queen said, handing Link the rupees.

"Well, I'm gettin' the hell out of here now" Link said.

"Wait! Before you go, I'm going to give new power to the bow you wield" the Queen said.

She waved both hands, and a red and a blue fairy flew out from behind her. They crashed into Link, and the boy winced.

"There ya go! Now you can shoot fire and ice arrows" the Fairy Queen said.

"Uh, whatever. I'm leaving" Link said, getting back into his boat.

"WAIT" the Fairy Queen called. "I LOVE YOU"

But Link didn't hear her, and even if he did, he probably wouldn't have cared. Our hero had already played his new song, and was being lifted out of the Fairy Queen's Lair.


	40. Laruto

_**Laruto**_

The King of Red Lions and Link had warped to an area very close to Dragon Roost Island.

"Damn, I hope I don't have to go _there_ again..." Link muttered, looking at it (Link had chugged a whole bottle of Pepto, so his stomach was ok.).

The King chuckled.

"Hope again..." he said with a smirk.

"What are you saying" Link barked.

"You're gonna have to go back there sooner than you think"

"What? NO!

"Oh, yes, you are"

"Oh, no, I'm _not!_"

"_Yes_, you _are"_

"NO I'M NOT"

"YES YOU ARE, DAMN YOU"

"DON'T MAKE ME KICK YOUR ASS"

"HEY, I'LL DROP YOU OFF AND _LEAVE_ YOU HERE"

Link shut his mouth.

"That's better... Now, what we're gonna have to do is get the power bracelets."

"I thought we were going to find a sage or something like that..."

"We'll do that after we get the power bracelets."

"You mean when _I_ get the power bracelets. And why are you doing this"

"Doing what, may I ask"

"Giving out-of-order directions! You tell me one thing, then you tell me I have to do a different thing after that thing, you know that thing"

"Wha..."

"OH, NEVERMIND, FAT ASS" Link shouted.

"HEY! I'm _not_ fat" the King replied.

Link snorted.

"In your human form, you're a fucking cow..."

"I don't take kindly to back-talking midgets"

"Oh, did I say cow? Make it WHALE."

"You have the voice of a five year old GIRL"

"What's that supposed to mean"

"You have a stupid voice, seeing as your vocal chords aren't fully developed yet! You sound like a girl."

"I so totally DO NOT sound like a girl" Link squeeked.

Then he clasped his hands over his mouth when he realized how his sentence came out.

The King laughed.

"Ok, well, whatever. Just start sailing south."

"No" Link replied.

The King of Red Lions' voice turned demonic.

"YOU _WILL_ DO IT"

Link nearly jumped out of his skin, and began sailing south. Finally, they reached what looked like a freaky mini volcano.

"Stop" the King commanded.

Link silently (for he was too busy fuming to say anything.) stopped the boat.

"Ok...what you have to do now is to shoot the lava that's coming out of the top with an ice arrow. Then, hurry and drop down through the opening at the top, and get the power bracelets! Oh yeah, and you only have a little bit of time to do it. Ok"

"Um...that idea doesen't tempt me..." Link mumbled.

The King of Red Lions' eyes began to glow red.

"But, uh, I'll do it anyway" the boy said quickly.

He shot at the lava with an ice arrow. It froze, then shattered. The boy jumped out of the boat, swam to the small volcano, quickly climbed it, and jumped in through the hole where the lava originally came from. It was incredibly hot inside, just like Dragon Roost Cavern was. Link felt a bit dizzy, but went on anyway. But, alas, inside the volcano were some fire keese and magtails! Although they did not pose much of a threat, because they were sitting on a couch, drinking beer, and watching the Superbowl.

"Ok...uh, this is something you don't see every day..." Link muttered.

"Hey! Shut up, boy! We're watchin' da game" a magtail barked at Link.

"Yeah! Yeah" the other enemies agreed.

"Well, whatever. I don't really give a fuck. Do you guys know where the power bracelets are" Link asked.

"Oh, it's just down that little path. Go ahead and take it" a fire keese said.

"Yeah! Yeah" everyone else agreed.

"Ok" Link said.

He followed the directions he was given, and soon found the treasure chest. Normally in the game, as you may know, it would be invisible until you defeated the enemies. But it also appears while the enemies are watching the Superbowl.

Link opened the chest, grabbed the power bracelets, and ran out of the volcano. He jumped off of it just in time before the lava began to shoot again. The boy swam back to the boat, and climbed in.

"Well, that was faster than I had hoped. Actually, I was hoping that you would face a firey death, but, alas, I suppose we can't get everything we want...well, this sucks..." the King of Red Lions said.

"Oh, gee, thanks for the warm 'hello'" Link retorted sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"Well, the thing I want to know is, WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU DEAD! I WAS SO SURE THAT THE LAVA OR THE ENEMIES WOULD KILL YOU REAL GOOD! WHY DON'T YOU DIE"

Link snorted.

"It was like you said. "I have a limited amount of time." And I got the bracelets, _in_ the right time! And besides, the enemies were watching the Superbowl, they didn't care" he said coolly.

"DAMN SUPERBOWL"

Link suddenly _lost_ his cool.

"HEY! DON'T YOU _DARE_ DISS THE SUPERBOWL! FOOTBALL IS THE GREAT AMERICAN PAST-TIME" he shouted.

The King of Red Lions rolled his eyes.

"There's two problems with that phrase, Link... One, _BASEBALL_ is the great American past-time, and two, _WE'RE NOT IN AMERICA, OH, SMART ONE!_"

"Oh, whatever"

"Well, who cares. _Now, finally_ we're going to learn the song that will awaken the Earth Sage"

"What's with all this _we_ fuck? I'm the one doing all the work"

"You don't do a whole lot, you know. You sit on your ass and smoke pot most of the time."

"Do not"

"Do too"

And, after hours and hours of arguing, the two finally stopped, and had sailed to that one place where you meet Laruto.

"Ok...now, do you have your power bracelets on" the King asked.

Link nodded slowly.

"Good. Do you see that rock that's shaped like a head"

Link nodded.

"Good. Go over to it, and lift it up. Throw it, so it breaks. Ok"

Link said nothing. He just jumped out of the boat, waded to the island's shores, and did as he was told. The rock had been guarding a doorway, which Link walked into.

It was dark inside, but up ahead was a stone slab with Wind Waker notes carved into it. Link, being stupid but not _so_ stupid as to not know what he should do, played the song.

All of a sudden, a fishy woman called a Zora appeared. She was wearing a fancy dress, and held a harp in her arms.

"What the fuck do you want" she asked.

"I have no clue... I was just told to come here, and learn a song" Link replied.

"Oh, that thing... Well, you just played it, genius... Anyway, I'm Laruto. I was the sage of the Earth temple. But, alas (Dammit, why do I keep writing that stupid word!), Ganondorf killed me, had sex with my body, and then cursed my soul. You, young bastard, will have to awaken my descendent..."

"Well, uh, it would be alot _easier_ if I knew who your descendent _was!_"Link growled.

"They have a harp just like mine. I won't tell you who."

"Dammit, just tell me"

"No"

"Why not"

"'Cause that would take away my mysteriousness" Laruto said.

"Eh...why do you need to be mysterious, exactly" Link asked.

"Because I'm a spooky ghost! Can't you see how spooky I am?" she said as she began to dance around. "Booooo, BOOOOO, I'm a _ghoooOOOooost!_"

Link slowly backed up.

"Ooooook...that's not scary _or_ mysterious... It's just corny and retarded. Well, I guess it IS a little scary... I...uh...gotta go" he said, running away.

The boy finally made it back to the boat.

"You look really freaked out..." the King noted.

"Ok...NO amount of therapy will EVER make what just happened ok" Link said (I got that quote off of Fairly Odd Parents, heh heh.).

"Ok. Now, we're off to Dragon Roost Island" the King of Red Lions declared.

Link's eyes opened wide.

"WHAT! NOOOOOOOOOOO"

But it was too late.

The King of Red Lions used his super X-men powers to transport them to Dragon Roost Island!


	41. Medli, Sage of the Earth

_**Medli, Sage of the Earth**_

"Oh, pipe down, will you" the King of Red Lions shouted as he and Link came to the shores of Dragon Roost. "You've been bitching the whole way here"

"NOOOO! I DON'T WANNA COME BACK HERE! I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T WANNA, I DON'T!"

But Link was cut short from his whining as a glop of Rito shit fell on his head.

The King of Red Lions laughed.

"Ah ha ha! I guess I'm not the only one who thinks you sound like a car alarm when you whine like that! Heh heh..."

"DAMMIT! DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO GET MY HAIR LIKE THIS" Link screamed.

"Uh..."

"HOURS"

"It shouldn't take that long, really. You just look like you rolled out of bed in the morning without"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, DIPSHIT! IT TAKES HOURS FOR MY HAIR TO GET THE OH SO HOT WAY IT IS"

"Hours of sleeping..." the King muttered.

"DON'T TALK ANYMORE" Link yelled.

Then some more shit fell on his head, causing the King to laugh more.

"Don't...say...anything..." Link growled through clenched teeth.

"Well, whatever. Just go find Medli. She's Laruto's descendant."

"What! No! Not _her! _I'm _not_ going, and _you_ can't make me"

The King of Red Lions' eyes glowed red.

"AH! Ok, maybe you can"

The boy jumped out of the boat, and ran onto the shore. He climbed up to the entrance of the Rito village, and stopped, listening hard.

Harp music...harp music being played by someone who really sucked at it, flowed to his ears.

"Aw, dammit, who's strangling a bird" Link said to himself.

"Oh, Medli's practicing playing the harp. She's been doing it since she was a little girl, but has never gotten any better...so, let's just face it. There's no hope for her" a voice next to Link said. "But, she's so fuckin' sexy"

Link turned quickly, and screamed when he saw who was there next to him.

IT WAS PRINCE KOMALI!

"AH! You! What are _YOU_ doing here" Link barked. "How did you just appear out of no where"

"I do that sometimes. But, DAMN, don't yell like that! You sound like a car alarm, or a five year old girl screaming for candy, or something of that nature" the Prince said coolly.

"I was really, _REALLY_ hoping I'd never see you again..." Link growled.

"Well, here I am! I know all about your little mission, Link... I even saved you and Tetra! Well, just Tetra. She's pretty sexy too, you know. _Quill's_ the one who rescued you from Ganondorf. And THAT'S when I played my little trick...heh heh..."

"What trick?"

"I made you and Tetra cuddle! Ha ha! It would've loved to have seen your reaction up front, but, I couldn't, so, luckily, the King of Red Lions brought his video camera, so I'll just have to see it on tape."

"_WHY YOU LITTLE-_"

"Look, anyway, I know you're here to see Medli. I have some "princely" duties to tend to, so I want you to give her these handcuffs, and this sexy police officer outfit! Ok? Or, unless, you want to give them to Tetra, you stud" Komali said with a wink.

Link turned bright red.

"SINCE WHEN DID YOU TURN INTO SUCH A PERV, KOMALI!"

"Whoa, chill OUT! _You're_ more of a pervert than I am, Mr. Prostitute..."

"I'LL BREAK YOUR FUCKIN' BALLS OFF WITH MY BARE HANDS, YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH, THEN I'LL!"

"Look, anyway, Medli's up there" the Prince said, pointing up higher on the mountain.

He handed Link the handcuffs and the cops outfit, then flew into the air.

"And" Prince Komali said. "On a final note, tell your grandma that I had fun on saturday nigh!"

"Wha?"

But it was too late. Komali was out of hearing range.

"That little fucker...when he comes back, I'm gonna!"

But, once again, shit fell onto Link's hair.

"DAMMIT!"

After a few minutes, Link had climbed up part of the mountain, and saw Medli. She was still scratchin' away at that damn harp. Cop outfit and cuffs in hand, Link came up behind her.

"Bitch, I'm going deaf!" he said.

Medli stopped playing and spun around.

"AH! LINK! Stay back! I just washed this dress!" she yelped.

But then she spotted Komali's gifts.

"Um...ok, I won't ask."

"Stupid, they're not from _me_, they're from your little 'fucking buddy'!"

Medli smiled and took the items.

"Oh, he's such a stud, isn't he? That Komali..." she said dreamily. "You know, we taped one of our 'sexcapades' with a night vision lense using the King of Red Lions' video camera...wanna see it?"

"Um...I'd rather not... I'd prefer watching my own night-vision sex videos, thank you very much... And Paris Hilton's."

"Well, ok. Why are you here?"

"Uh...I dunno..."

Then the stone in Link's pocket rumbled.

"AH! THE EPOCOLIPSE!" he yelled, throwing himself to the ground.

"Dumbass, it's me, the King of Red Lions! Teach Medli the fuckin' song."

"FINE," Link replied.

He pocketed the stone, and turned back to Medli.

"Ok, learn this song. I doubt you'll be able to play it right, seeing as how badly you suck, but, who cares."

Link played the song.

"That song...it sounds...so...familiar..." Medli said.

Then she fainted.

Link watched her hit the ground, and snickered.

"Heh heh...bitch..."

In her dreams, Medli was having one of those vision thingies... She was standing in a black area, when, all of a sudden, Laruto appeared. The sage was dancing around.

"Booooo, BOOOOO, I'm a ghoooOOOOoooost...!" she said.

Then the triforce appeared on the ground before Medli...the young girl closed her eyes began to play a really sucky version of the song Link had just played for her as Laruto danced around like the dumbass that she is.

Then, back in the real world, the young girl opened her eyes slowly. Link sat next to her, poking her with a fork.

"Link, what the fuck are you doing?" she asked.

"Um...poking you with this fork..."

"STOP IT!"

Link put the fork back in his pants.

"OW!" a voice from inside his pants said.

"Oops...sorry, Trix Rabbit..." Link muttered.

"When do I get my Trix?" the rabbit asked.

"Um...Link, who's in your pants...?"

"Uh..." Link muttered.

"Oh, wait, nevermind...don't answer that... And do you always carry forks around? In your _pants?_" Medli asked.

"Um...no... Maybe..." Link looked around, then said quietly, "Yes..."

"Well, whatever," Medli replied, standing up. "Anway, Link, I have discovered my destiny! I am the Earth Sage!"

"Aaaand, your point is..."

Medli grabbed Link by the shoulders and started shaking him.

"Link! You _must _take me to the Earth Temple!" she cried.

"Don't...touch me, woman..." Link said in a low, dark tone as he backed away from Medli. "Don't...touch me..."

"JUST DO IT!"

"Fine, ok, OK! I'll take you to the temple! On one condition..."

"What's that?"

"Well, two conditions actually. One, you must pay me. And, two, tell your fucking poultry friends to stop shitting on me!"

And, all of a sudden, some _more_ bird shit flew down, but Link stepped to the side, so it missed him.

"Heh heh..." he snickered.

But then, another glob of shit fell onto Link's head.

"Dammit!"

Medli snickered.

"Hee hee... Fine, I'll pay you, but I can't make my people stop doing that. Deal?"

"Fine..." Link agreed.

"Great! Let's go!"

A few minutes later, Link, Medli, and the King of Red Lions got ready to leave.

"Oh, and one more thing, Link..." Medli said. "Don't tell Prince Komali..."

"I'm not gonna stick around to talk to that pervert, so, you don't have to worry!"

"Are you too going to shut the fuck up sometime soon?" the King asked impatiently.

"Oh. Ok," Medli said. "Link, let's get going."

Eager to leave Dragon Roost and its perverted prince behind, Link drew the sail, and the three of them were off...

_Ok...now, I know how some of this chapter may seem, but, I assure you, there will be NO Link/Medli romance whatsoever. I stand by what I say when I say, you won't find out Link's true love until the sequel! Ok? So, sorry, MedLink fans, but, I think Medli goes best with Komali, and Link goes best with...someone else..._


	42. The Earth Temple Part 1

_**The Earth Temple Part 1**_

"Medli, stop that, 'cause it's really, REALLY starting to bother me!" Link said as he sailed along with Medli and the King.

Medli was dreamily staring at Komali's gifts while making animal noises. She stopped to look at Link.

"Why? Just ignore me!" she told him.

"I can't! It makes me picture you and the prince fucking eachother, and that just makes me want to puke! BLEH!"

"Fine...I'll just put it on," Medli said.

Link covered his eyes.

"I can't watch..."

But, alas, he opened up his fingers a little so he could see.

Medli took off her clothes, and began to put on the cops outfit.

"WOAH!" Link said. "SHIT, DUDE!"

Medli looked at him.

"What?"

"Um...nothing..."

Medli finally finished.

"Ok, you can stop pretending like you're not watching now."

"Ok."

The King of Red Lions was holding his video camera in his mouth.

"Ha ha! This'll make a GREAT movie!"

"TURN THAT FUCKING CAMERA OFF!" Link yelled.

"But...but this is GOLD!" the King declared.

"Oooh, King! Could you make a movie of me for Komali?" Medli asked.

"Sure!"

Medli lifted up the dress.

"KOMALI, I LOVE YOU!" she shouted.

"And I got it all on tape!"

Link moaned and rolled his eyes.

"Oh, man..."

At last, they reached the island where Link had met Laruto. Link payed no mind to the bad memories from the place as he threw himself onto the ground.

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!" the boy shouted.

Medli stepped daintily off the boat and next to Link.

"Oh, come on, the ride wasn't THAT bad..." she said.

Link was shaking.

"OH, _nooooo_, it wasn't bad...IT WAS FUCKING TERRIBLE! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU NAKED AGAIN! NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER AGAIN!"

"Link! Get a hold of yourself! Wait a minute...ARE YOU SAYING MY BODY SUCKS?"

"Yes..."

Medli whopped him on the head with her harp.

"SON OF A BITCH!"

"WHORE!"

"Stop it, you two! We have to discuss something!" the King said.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?" Link and Medli yelled at the same time, spinning around to glare at the King of Red Lions.

"Um...well, I have to say that, Link, Medli, you two will face many perils. Link, you must protect Medli, and Medli, you must protect Link. Ok?"

"Ok," Link said.

"Fine," Medli agreed.

"Ok. Go away now."

Link and Medli walked into the Earth Temple.

"Huh! Yeah right...the bastard. You can jump off a cliff for all _I_ care!" Link said.

"Ditto..." Medli grumbled.

They reached the large stone slab with the Wind Waker notes carved into it.

"I know what to do!" Medli said. "Start playing your Wind Waker."

"Which song?" Link asked.

"STUPID, THE SONG ON THE ROCK!"

"Bitch... I ain't not stupid..." Link mumbled as he pulled out his Wind Waker and started playing.

Medli accompanied him in an off-key tune on that damn harp of hers. Link winced everytime she plucked at it.

Then, when the song was completed, a large gap appeared in the middle of the rock. Then it exploded!

"Woah! Kick ass..." Link muttered, walking through the door that appeared where the rock was.

Medli silently followed.

Link ran ahead, then stopped, and nearly fell off a ledge. He and Medli were standing, like, on this cliff thing. then, the floor fell away, and at the other end of the room, there was another ledge with a door.

"Oh, dammit, now what!" Link mumbled.

"Um...Link? I have wings, you know. I could like...you know, _fly_ you over there, or something like that," Medli replied.

"Wait...are you saying that you'll have to carry me?"

"I guess..."

Link grinned.

"Oh, now, Link, what's with that look?"

"Ha ha! _You'll_ have to carry _me!_"

"And you find this amusing _how?_"

"Think about it... You carrying me. Helping me."

Medli shuddered.

"ACK! An act of _kindness!_"

Link laughed.

"Well...what are you waiting for? _Carry_ me, and _fly_ me to that ledge!"

"First you have to pick me up."

Link obeyed.

"Now run, and jump, and don't let go of me."

Carrying Medli, Link ran right off the ledge. Medli spread her wings and began to fly them to the other ledge.

"You're loving this now...aren't you?" the girl growled.

Link chuckled.

"Yes."

Finally, they reached the door, and Medli shook Link off and he fell roughly to the ground.

"Ow..." the boy muttered.

Then, they walked through the door.

In the next room, there were two stone pillars, and some moblins patrolling the area.

"Oh, crap...not these guys..." Link muttered.

"Kill them!" Medli ordered.

"Why don't _you_ do it?"

"'Cause, you're supposed to be protecting me!"

"I don't care."

"Ok, think of this: if you _don't_ do it, I'll take off my clothes!"

"AH! Ok, I'll do it! Just...don't get naked!"

Link went over to one moblin with his sword, and raised it to attack the creature.

But, being that the moblin was a bit smarter than Link, it attacked first, using its staff to knock Link's sword away.

"HEY! You can't do that! That's _cheating!_" he said.

"Oh yeah? Whatchoo gonna do, ya little dick?" the moblin asked.

"Um...give me a second to think of a plan..."

"Oh. Ok."

There was a few second period of silence.

"Hey! You little bastard! I'm gonna kill you _DEAD!_" the moblin finally said.

"AH! Spare me!" Link begged, falling to his knees.

"What the fuck is he doing?" Medli asked herself as she still stood in the door to the room.

"I will spare ye a horrible death...on _one_ condition..."

"Sure, whatever, just don't kill me!"

"Ok... You and the girl have to go through the rest of this temple."

"Aaaand?"

"You have to go naked."

Link gasped.

"N-n-_naked? _With..._her?_" he gasped.

The moblin nodded.

"Yes. You both will take off your clothes, and continue on with the temple naked. We'll let you have your clothes back later. Now, bring the girl over here."

"M-M-Medli...?" Link stuttered. "Get your feathered ass over here..."

Medli walked over to them.

"What's going on?"

"We're going through the rest of the temple..."

"So?"

"We're going naked..."

Medli's eyes widened.

"_WHY?_"

"'Cause, if we don't, he's gonna kill us dead!" Link exclaimed, pointing at the moblin who was smiling triumphantly.

The other moblin walked over to them.

"Ok. Off with the clothes!" it declared.

Reluctantly, Link and Medli removed the aparrel from their bodies...

_At long last, here it is! I apologize if it sucks really bad, but, you know, I got a lot on my mind what with my new story. Remember to check that one out too! Anyway, I promise the next chapters'll be better. LEAVE A REVIEW OR FACE THE WRATH OF MY PENGUIN!_


	43. The Earth Temple Part 2

_**The Earth Temple Part 2**_

Link and Medli reluctantly handed their clothes to the moblins.

"I'm NOT gonna look at you..." Link muttered to Medli, looking away.

"Thank you for your clothing. You shall have it returned to you within 72 hours," the second moblin said.

"WHAT!" Link yelled. "YOU SAID WE'D GET OUR CLOTHES BACK WHEN WE FINISHED OUR BUSINESS IN THIS JOINT! IT'S NOT GONNA TAKE 72 HOURS!"

"We know," the first moblin said. "But we like to see you so miserable. Besides, there are some people who are naked EVERY DAY! You'll live."

"YOU SON OF A BITCH, HOW WOULD _YOU_ LIKE IT IF YOU WERE NAKED FOR 72 HOURS!"

"Well, I-"

The first moblin was cut off when Link set it on fire. Then he set the second one on fire too.

"Link, are you a pyro?" Medli asked.

Link sighed, and threw his lighter across the room out of frustration.

"No...I just felt like doing that."

"That still doesen't mean you're not a pyro..."

"JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP MEDLI, OK? I DON'T NEED TO TAKE YOUR BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW! I'M HAVING A _CRISIS_ HERE!"

"Why does being naked bother you so much?" Medli asked.

"BECAUSE! I'M NAKED WITH _YOU_!" Link shouted, and, without realizing it, he looked at Medli.

The boy began rolling around on the ground, naked, and screaming.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! IT BUUUUUUUURNS!"

"Wait! Link! The moblins are gone! Let's get our clothes back!"

But, alas, when Medli turned to face their clothing, she was just in time to watch it being pulled through the ground by some poes.

"Dammit," she muttered.

Link had watched too, and was now whimpering.

"My clothes..."

His bottom lip quivered.

"I must not cry...I must not cry...I must no-WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed as he began wailing.

Medli knelt beside Link.

"Link! Calm down! You're crying because you're naked, for Pete's sake!" she said.

Medli put a hand on Link's shoulder.

The boy stiffened.

"Ok...when we are BOTH naked, don't touch me...when YOU'RE naked, stay away from me...when I'M naked, you should be jealous..." he growled.

"HA! Jealous? Of YOUR cock and balls? HA! They're not THAT great..." Medli snorted. "Now, enough chitchat. Dry your eyes so we can get going!"

Link stood up.

"Let's go..." he muttered.

Link walked into the door. He would've gone through it, if it weren't barred up.

"AW! SON OF A BITCH!" Link yelled, bringing his hands up to his bleeding nose.

Medli rolled her eyes.

"There's a better way to do it..."

The rito girl pulled out a bomb, lit the fuse, grabbed Link, and ran away. The bomb blasted the door down!

"Woah..." Link muttered.

Then the two kids walked through the destroyed door.

The moment they set bare foot into the next room, a familiar chattering filled their ears.

Link gulped.

Then, ChuChus began to appear!

They slunk out from the shadows of the dark Earth Temple, preparing to attack...

"THEY'RE NAKED! AH HA HA! THEY'RE LIKE, SO, TOTALLY NAKED! LOOK GUYS! NAKED CHILDREN!" one ChuChu shouted.

Then, all the ChuChus stopped their attack and began laughing.

Link turned bright red.

"I DON'T SEE _YOU_ WEARING CLOTHES!" he shouted.

"_We_ don't _need_ to wear clothes!" a red ChuChu said. "We have no vaginas, penises, asses, breasts, or balls. But _YOU_ do! HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Link, where's your lighter?" Medli asked through clenched teeth.

"Right here," Link said, pulling the lighter from seemingly out of nowhere and handing it to her.

He was being careful not to look at Medli.

The Rito girl set the ChuChus on fire, then bombed the room so they could enter the next one.

"You sure like explosives, don't you?" Link asked.

"Yep."

They entered what appeared to be the main room of the temple.

There were four doorways, two on each side of the room, and, up ahead sat a large stone statue face. It had two eyes on its face that looked like moons. But, in front of the face sat lots of blue smoke...

"Ok, seeing as I am the leader _and_ boss of this operation, I say we go into the smoke!" Link declared.

"I don't think that's a good idea..." Medli said.

"Nonsense!" Link replied. "I is _waaaaaaay_ much more smarter than you!"

The boy walked into the blue smoke.

"Woah...spinny..."

"Link?" Medli called.

She walked over to the smoke, and Link stumbled out.

"Woooooaaaaaaah...everything's purple..." he said.

"Link?" Medli asked, kneeling down next to him.

After a moment, the boy shook his head, and appeared to be back to normal.

"Woah! That stuff is AWESOME! It gives you a nice buzz!"

Link grabbed a bottle from out of nowhere, and went over to the smoke. He began to catch some of the gas in the container, until Medli slapped him.

"LINK! No time for drugs! We have business to finish!"

Link glared at Medli.

"Fun sucke-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Without realizing it, our hero had looked at Medli, and, once again, began rolling around and screaming...naked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! MY EYES! MY EEEEEYYYYYYEEEEESSSSS!"

Medli stood up and watched him, slightly amused. Link was more of a source of entertainment than a hero.

Finally, sweating and shaking, Link sat up, more careful than ever to not look at his rito companion.

"Are you finished overreacting now?" Medli asked.

"Yes, I'm finished overe-HEY! I was _NOT_ overreacting! If anything, I could've died, and I _STILL_ wouldn't be overreacting!"

Medli rolled her eyes.

"Whatever, I don't care. Let's go.

Link stood up, and looked around.

"Go where? There are too many doors here!"

"There's only four..."

"FOUR IS A VERY HIGH NUMBER, FOR YOUR INFORMATION!"

"Just shut up and let me think! Ok...hmm..."

There was a moment of silence.

"I GOT IT! Let's blow up everything in our path until we get to the boss' lair!" Medli exclaimed.

Link gave her a funny look.

"And I thought _I_ had problems... But, it sounds like a plan to me! Let's just-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH, SHIT!"

Once again, Link looked at Medli, and started having some kind of seizure.

Medli grinned.

"Heh heh, stupid..."

After a few minutes of screaming, shaking, and throwing up, Link was nearly back to normal...well, maybe not, but, he was ok enough.

Medli pulled some more bombs out of nowhere, lit the fuses, and placed them in various spots throughout the room. Then she grabbed Link by the arm, and dashed into another room with him.

Loud banging, crashing, and exploding noises filled thier ears, and a few walls collapsed. The temple began shaking!

Link screamed, shut his eyes, and, without realizing it, held on to Medli for dear life.

The Rito girl started to scream at the fact that he was holding her while they were both in the nude, and, unfortunately, both their cries were drowned out by the sound of the temple being destroyed.

After a few minutes that seemed like forever, all was quiet. Link let go of Medli and opened his eyes. Medli looked around.

"HEY! I DID IT! I BLEW UP AN ENTIRE BUILDING! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she cheered.

Link raised his eyebrows, but didn't look at Medli.

"And you're proud of the fact that you nearly killed us _BOTH_? Killed us _DEAD_?" Link replied.

"Yes, actually, I am."

"BWUA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Laughter sounded.

Link and Medli turned to see the King of Red Lions staring at them. After all, most of the temple was gone, and there was a nice view of the ocean now!

"You're both naked! Naked children! AH HA HA HA HA!" The King howled.

"Oh, _HA HA_, laugh it up, it's sooooo funny! Oooh! Oooh! Naked children! It's so hilarious, I think I might _DIE_!" Link shot back sarcastically. "Now, shut the fuck up! I have some business to take care of..."

Link picked through the rubble of the destroyed temple, picking up the mysteriously unharmed mirror shield and the boss key, then turned to face the last room standing. It was the boss room...

"Ok, Medli, shut up, and let's go."

"I wasn't saying anything though!"

"JUST SHUT UP ANYWAY!"

And, with that, Link and Medli unlocked the door to the boss' room...


	44. Jahalla

_**Jahalla**_

Link and Medli walked into the room.

It was dark, as was the rest of the temple. That is, until Medli blew most of it to smithereens.

They walked to the middle of the room.

Silence. Darkness. Not a sound. Nothing. At all. Really. Truly. The room. It was empty. Seemingly. Accept for Link. And Medli. Maximum of three word sentences.

"Hello? Oh, big scary monster! Come out, come out, wherever you aaaaaaare! Taaaasty, naked children, ripe for the picking!"

Link chuckled.

"There's nothing here... I think you killed whatever it was dead with your bombs, Medli," he said, although he did not look at the girl to whom he was speaking to.

"Link, don't say stuff like that! 'Cause when you do say stuff like that, it usually ends up happening anyway!" Medli said.

"Ah ha, yeah right... Like a _biiiiiiiig_, _scaaaaary_ monster is just gonna pop out of nowhere and-"

All of a sudden, a huge, fat, poe creature waving a lantern appeared.

"Eat us..." Link finished weakly as he stared at the creature.

It was Jahalla!

Jahalla was silent for a moment.

Then he burst out laughing.

"AH HA HA HA! YOU'RE LIKE...NAKED AND STUFF! HA HA HA HA HA!" he howled.

Link turned bright red.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE THESE DAYS? THEY SEE NAKED CHILDREN, AND THEY FIND IT _FUNNY_! WHAT'S SO FUNNY ABOUT NUDITY, ANYWAY?"

Jahalla put his face only inches from Link's.

"It's hilarious, I mean, _come on_! You, and that girl...naked! HA HA! Eh HA HA! EE HEE HEE HEE HEE!"

Link crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.

"Laugh it up, fat boy..." he murmured.

Jahalla's giggles ceased.

"Did you just call me fat, you son of a bitch?" he demanded.

Link grinned and nodded.

"Yep. Fat."

"Yeah, well, you're SHORT!" Jahalla shot back.

"You're ugly," Link replied.

"You're uglier!"

"You're ugliEST!"

"You're ugliER than ugliest!" Jahalla exclaimed.

"Yeah, well...you're INFINITE ugly!" Link said.

Jahalla was silent for a moment.

"Yeah, well..."

He looked Link up and down.

"YOUR PENIS IS TOO SMALL!"

Link raised one finger, opened his mouth, then shut it. His bottom lip quivered.

"Small...?" he whimpered.

Jahalla nodded.

"Yes. Small. Itsty, bitsy, tiny!"

A tear rolled down Link's cheek.

"My grandma told me it would grow! AND THAT WAS A YEAR AGO! IT SHOULD HAVE GROWN BY NOW! IT SHOULD HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he wailed.

Our not so hero-ish hero ran away from Jahalla, and crashed into the wall. His nose began to bleed.

Medli looked at Link, then at Jahalla.

"That was mean..." she said.

There was a moment of silence.

"You're really good at insults!"

Jahalla grinned.

"Yeah, I know, I'm chock full of 'em. But...I'm still gonna have to kill both of you. And, I probably will, seeing as you don't fight, and he..."

The creature looked over at Link, huddled at the far end of the room, sobbing while eating oreos.

"Well, you know. Now, PREPARE TO DIE!"

But, just as Jahalla was about to crush Medli, she magically obtained Link's sword and blocked the hit.

"Bring it on, BITCH! I'll fight you _ANYTIME_, _ANYWHERE_!" Medli declared as she also recieved Link's mirror shield and power bracelets.

THE BATTLE BEGAN!

Random, mysterious rays of light appeared, shining down onto the floor.

Medli ran into one, and the light bounced off of her...well, LINK'S shield. She aimed it at Jahalla as the massive creature slowly, ominously approached her.

When the light hit him, he began to shake and stuff, then became solid.

Jahalla sat there, dazed.

Medli slipped on the power bracelets, lifted up Jahalla, and sent him rolling into the spikes lining the wall.

Then, Jahalla burst into a whole bunch of tiny poes, also in their solid form. They were frantically skipping in circles. Medli went around to some of them, and killed them dead with the Master Sword! She took out at least five.

The poes turned back into Jahalla!

Jahalla shook his lantern, causing little fireballs to fly and scatter across the room.

Medli got singed!

She winced, but, once again, looked at the area where the patch of light was.

It wasn't there anymore!

The girl looked around desperately, then found that another mysteriously ray of light had appeared. She ran into it as she did before, and aimed the shield so the light bouncing off of it fell onto Jahalla.

The same thing happened.

Jahalla sat there as Medli ran over to him, picked him up, and threw him into the spikes.

She took out three little poes this time.

Then, when the poes turned into Jahalla again, the beast was furious. It attacked Medli viciously, and she got hit a few times.

"Link, a little HELP right about now would be nice!" she growled, loud enough for her distraught companion to hear.

"JUST SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M HAVING A PERSONAL _CRISIS_ HERE!" Link replied, continuing to eat his oreos tearfully as he sat curled up in a tiny ball, facing the wall.

Medli figured that he would be of no use.

Finally, another ray of light appeared, which Medli dashed to greatfully.

She aimed the light at Jahalla, who, once again, fell into a daze.

And, once again, she picked him up, threw him into the spikes, and those little poe things, ONCE AGAIN, began to panic.

She killed six this time, with the help of her super-speed-powers-that-you-didn't-know-she-had-until-now powers, of course.

One poe remained. It stood there, shaking, as Medli approached it.

Then it flew away.

JAHALLA WAS DEFEATED!

Medli began to do a victory dance.

"Is he gone...? Please...tell me he's gone..." Link whimpered.

Medli turned to face Link.

"Yeah, he's dead."

The boy got to his feet.

"YEAH! I WIN!" he cheered.

Medli glared at him.

"What the hell are you talking about! _I _killed him!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say Medli... NOW, LET ME GET BACK TO DROWNING IN MY MARVELOUS VICTORY!"

Link started dancing, until Medli slapped him.

"STOP THAT! AND, I WAS THE ONE WHO KILLED JAHALLA!"

"NO, YOU WEREN'T! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO STEAL THE VICTORY FROM ME!"

"YOU JUST COMFORT ATE THROUGH THE WHOLE BATTLE!"

"HOW DO I KNOW _YOU_ WEREN'T THE ONE COMFORT EATING WHILE _I _KICKED JAHALLA'S ASS!"

"Because I was the one fighting!"

"No you weren't! IT WAS ME!"

"VICTORY STEALER!" Medli yelled.

"LIAR!" Link spat.

"SCRUB!"

It was then that Link realized that he had been looking at Medli as they argued.

The young boy fell to the ground, and started screaming and rolling around on the floor...naked.

Medli laughed, but then, something caught her eye.

"LINK! Your clothes!" she said, pointing.

Link immediately recovered.

"Huh?"

He looked over and, seeing that Medli was telling the truth, ran to his apparrel, putting it on happily.

"WHOO! MY CLOTHES! Now, could you _PLEASE_ put _YOUR'S_ on?"

Medli stayed put.

"No, I like being naked!" she said. "I think I'll be, like, a Nudist or something from now on!"

"Well, then, I guess I'm gonna have to do this," Link replied.

He blindfolded himself.

"Link, that's just stupid. You're gonna crash into stuff! Now, c'mon, I have to return some power to the Master Sword! Get over here, and play that Wind Waker song!"

Link tried to find his way over to Medli, and, eventually, he did, but not before crashing into the spikes a few times.

Medli grabbed Link so that he would stay put.

"Ok. You're in the right spot. Finally! Now, start playing!"

Link searched his pockets for the Wind Waker, found it, and started playing the song.

Medli followed along (off-key, of course.) on her harp. Link winced and his body jolted everytime she plucked at the strings.

When the duet was over, Link felt the Master Sword vibrate, and all that stuff.

Then, happily, he realized that he was free to go.

Our hero stumbled about blindly (well, obviously with that blindfold on!), trying to find the little cyclone thingy.

Medli grabbed him by the shoulders and lead him to it. When he was just about there, she shoved him in.

Link was sent swirling into the air, as he usually was when he went into the cyclones, away from the dreaded Earth Temple, and Medli and her evil, disfigured...figure.


	45. The Iron Boots

_**The Iron Boots**_

The cyclone swirled slower and slower, lower and lower, until it stopped, dropping Link on the ground.

He fell hard on his back with a 'thud.'

Link moaned, and pulled the blindfold off.

The world was spinning to him, and he felt nauseous.

He knew that if he WANTED to feel dizzy and nauseous, he could've just chugged a bottle of vodka, but with the cyclone things, it was not at all pleasant.

Link sat up slowly, and clutched his stomach, moaning softly once more.

The King looked over at him.

"Ok, stay away from me until you barf!" he said. "I just got a new paint job!"

Link glared at him.

"You fucking suck..."

So, to prove some sort of "Link point," Link walked over to the boat and threw up all over him.

"AW, MAN, YOU FUCKING SUCK!" the King shouted.

Link glared at the boat.

"Yeah, well, you fucking suck more!" he spat.

"No, you fucking suck more!" the King of Red Lions shot back angrily.

"NO, YOU FUCKING SUCK MORE!"

"NUH-UH!"

"UH-HUH!"

"NUH-UH!"

"UH-HUH!"

And, after about an hour of the 'You Fucking Suck More War', it was finally over.

The King of Red Lions was the victor! As the winner, he had made Link clean up all the barf, and be less obnoxious. And, he told the boy that if he didn't, he would use his X-men lasery powers to kill him.

At last, they were ready to go.

"Wait...where exactly are we going?" Link asked.

"We're gonna go find the iron boots so we can awaken the next sage."

Link frowned.

"Is it someone I know?" he asked.

"Probably," the King replied.

Link _really_ didn't like the sound of that. Seeing as he hated most of the people he knew, there weren't too many good choices. Actually, there weren't any good ones at all!

But, he hoisted the sail, and rode off to the area marked on his seachart anyway.

About an hour or so later, the King of Red Lions and Link reached their destination.

It was sort of like the firey mountain place where Link had recieved the power bracelets, but instead of having lava, this mountain thingy was covered with snow, ice, and wind.

Link glared up at it.

"Shit..." he murmured.

"You're going to have to do the same thing you did before, but with fire arrows. And, maybe this time you'll die," the King said.

Link shot him a dirty look as he pulled out his bow and arrows.

He aimed at the freezing blast of wind shooting out from the mountain's opening with his fire arrows.

He was right on target, and the air temporarily warmed up, and the gust disappeared.

Link jumped out of the boat, and swam to the mountainy thing. Although the blast of wind had been halted, it was still pretty damn cold on the little island.

It sort of looked like some kind of fortress, and to get inside, Link would have to jump across some mini ice burgs.

Piece of cake! he thought.

But he was wrong.

The moment Link began to charge towards the first ice burg, he slipped, fell, and slid.

"AH!" he yelled as he almost fell into the water. Luckily, he grabbed onto the ice with all his might, and hung on to the edge.

The King of Red Lions chuckled.

"It's not the smartest idea to run about over ice," he said.

Link struggled to pull himself back up onto the ice as he growled, narrowing his eyes.

"Yeah, well, I'd like to see _you_ try this..."

At last, the boy got back up.

Carefully, he picked his way to the entrance of the inside of the mountain.

"Heh heh, he is s_o_ gonna die..." the King said evilly, his eyes glowing red because of his X-men powers.

Once he was inside, Link could not spot any enemies, but was more upset by the narrow, icy path he had to cross in order to reach the treasure chest (which he assumed held the iron boots.) at the far end of the chamber.

Ever so slowly, Link shuffled along the narrow path towards the treasure chest. He could feel his body shaking from the cold, and could see his breath rise up in front of him.

A little while later, Link reached the other end of the chamber, and kicked open the treasure chest.

Success! He had now taken posession of the iron boots!

Guessing that there probably wasn't much time left before the gust returned and he would be frozen to death, Link shuffled as quickly as he could to the nearest exit.

Once he was back outside, Link didn't care if he slipped. He scrambled away as fast as he could, screaming, afraid of freezing.

The King of Red Lions observed the panic-stricken Link through the lense of a video camera, chuckling softly.

"And I got it all on tape..." he muttered, smiling.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Link howled, leaping into the freezing cold water.

The King of Red Lions laughed harder.

"I should go into film making. This is pure GOLD!"

Almost the moment Link hit the water, the gust came back into action, full force.

The boy swam as quickly as possible back to the King of Red Lions, yelping and panting all the way.

When he finally climbed back inside the boat, the King was howling with laughter at Link's expense.

Link turned bright red.

"It's not that funny..." he whimpered.

"Oh, but it is!" the King of Red Lions said. "You should have seen yourself. PRICELESS! BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Link's eyes watered.

"Stop laughing..." he whined in the most pitiful tone of voice in the world.

After a few minutes, the King of Red Lions' giggles ceased, and he began to instruct Link once again, although he still had a laughing smile on his face.

"Ok...now, we're going to go to Gale Isle and meet another sage spirit. He'll teach you a song, give you clues about the guy who's taking his place, blah, blah, blah, you know what I'm saying. Now, let's go! We need to hurry so I can get more embarassing footage of you for my movie!"

Link scowled as he drew the sail. He and the King of Red Lions were off!

As they were sailing, the King broke the silence.

"But, MAN! The look on your face..."

Life...sucks... Link thought sourly.


	46. Fado

_**Fado**_

At last, the dynamic duo reached Gale Isle. Link stared at it resentfully. It didn't look too promising. There was a statue at the far end of the isle, and it had strong gusts of wind coming from it. It was _so _strong, in fact, that trees bent in its wake!

"I guess you can see where the iron boots come in handy," the King said.

Link was silent. He had taken out the boots, and was staring at them blankly.

"What's your problem! Put on the fucking boots, do what you gotta do, and let's get out of here!" the King of Red Lions snapped.

"I can't!" Link whined. "They're UGLY. And they don't match my tunic!"

"Eh! So this is why you won't wear them! Because they're unattractive!"

"Yep, pretty much. These fucking boots won't attract any chicks, now will they!"

"Link, that's just stupid! Now, put on the fucking boots before I have to rip your balls of with my bare hands!"

"What hands?" Link replied, smirking.

The King of Red Lions growled and cursed under his breath.

"Ok...if you put on the boots and do what I say for a little while, I'll pay you."

Link's face lit up.

"How much?" he asked.

"Um...1 rupee."

The boy snorted.

"Tch! You're gonna have to do better than _that_!"

"Fine, how 'bout 1,000,000 rupees?" the King offered.

"DEAL!" Link exclaimed, grabbing the boots.

He waded towards the isle as the King chuckled.

"Heh heh, sucker... He ain't even gettin' a dime... Dim-wit. He fell for my little trick! My little trick...THAT I GOT ON TAPE! WHOO!" he cheered as he stopped using his X-men powers to make his video camera invisible.

When Link was near the isle's shores, he stopped in the shallowest part of the water, put on the boots, and struggled to get onto the land.

It was like carrying a billion and three pounds on his feet! It really sucked, but, Link wanted to get the King's money, so, he did it anyway.

The powerful wind just made things suck more. Link slowly inched towards the gust's source, and finally reached the statue. He tried to break it with his sword, but that wouldn't work. Then he remembered the Skull Hammer! Link took it out of his pants, and smashed the statue.

The wind stopped. A door revealed itself in the statue's place.

Link fell over backward as he struggled to get the boots off.

"Damn...boots!" he growled through clenched teeth as he struggled.

Once they were finally off his feet, Link slunk through the door on soar legs.

The room before him was very similar to the one with Laruto in it.

Link shuddered at the thought of her... So corny...so scary...so...EVIL.

Shaking the terrible memories from his head, Link reached the stone slab at the end of the room.

Like the one before it, this stone slab had Wind Waker notes carved into it.

Although he was scared of whoever would appear this time, he played the song anyway.

Nothing happened.

Link turned to leave, but screamed and jumped when he saw the ghostly figure of a boy about his age before him.

The kid was wearing a tunic-like outfit, a hat like Link's, and he wielded a violin.

That violin...it looks so familiar... Link thought.

The boy had blonde hair and sort of tan skin.

"Hey, yo, 'sup?" the boy asked.

"Um...who the hell are you?"

"Oh. The name's Fado, yo. So, 'sup?"

Link glared at Fado.

"Do you mind getting out of my path!" he growled.

"Dude, for one, you could just walk around me. And two, I have stuff to talk to you about!"

Link was pretty irritated.

"Ok, get on with the info, chop chop!"

"So, you gotta find my descendent, right, yo? The dude's got a violin just like mine," Fado said, holding out his violin. "You gotta bring the dude here, kill whatever's in the temple, and you're done."

Link stared at the violin.

Oh, shit... How come I didn't realize it earlier! Makar...Makar! I have to go see that stupid little shrub again! Link thought.

"So, dude, I guess that's about it. Wanna have sex?"

Link looked up at Fado.

"Eh?"

"Wanna have sex?" Fado repeated.

"But I'm not gay..." Link replied.

"Oh."

There was a long moment of silence.

"Well...wanna do it anyway?" Fado asked.

"It depends...how much are you paying me?" Link replied.

"Um...isn't this, like, prostitution or somethin' dude?"

"So? Now, pay up, and we can get started!"

Fado handed Link 100 rupees, and they began...

A few hours later, the King of Red Lions sat in the water, wondering what was holding Link up.

Curious, he turned into his human form and walked into the little temple-like place...

"Damn kid..." he muttered as he walked. "What the hell is that little prick up to! It's been _hours_! What could he possibly being doing that would take this lo-_OH MY GOD_!"

Daphness Nohansen Hyrule just happened to walk in on Link and Fado still in the 'act'.

The two boys yelped out of surprise and seperated.

"LINK, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Daphness (We'll refer to him as 'Daphness' when he's in his human form from now on, ok?) yelled.

"IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! Well, actually, it is, BUT DON'T GET THE WRONG IDEA! IN FACT, I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO DO THIS! FADO RAPED ME!" Link yelled.

"W-WHAT! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DUDE! SURE, I BROUGHT UP THE IDEA OF HAVING SEX, BUT YOU AGREED TO IT! THAT'S NOT RAPE!" Fado said, defending himself.

Daphness was speechless.

Link continued the argument.

"I NEVER AGREED TO ANYTHING! YOU DRUGGED ME, THEN YOU RAPED ME!"

"I DON'T OWN ANY DRUGS! THE COURT CONFISCATED THEM FROM ME WHEN I WENT TO PRISON LAST MONTH, AND THEY WON'T LET ME HAVE THEM BACK! AND BESIDES, YOU LOOK FINE!"

"LIAR! YOU SO RAPED ME!"

"DAMMIT, DUDE, I DID NOT!"

"_SHUT UP_!" Daphness Nohansen Hyrule screamed at the top of his lungs.

Link and Fado grew silent.

"Look, I don't _care_ if any of you guys got raped! I'm just...shocked to see Link having sex with a...with another boy... Link, are you...?"

"NO! I told you, I just got raped!" Link replied.

"I dunno, you looked like you didn't mind too mu-" Daphness started, but was interrupted by Fado.

"DUDE! I didn't rape you! _You're_ the guilty one, dude! You did that whole prostitution thing with me!"

"Yeah, well, you're just as guilty, 'cause you went along with it!" Link said.

Daphness was sick of the boys' bickering. He grabbed Link's clothes, grabbed Link by the hair, and began to drag him outside.

"OW!" Link yelped as he got grabbed. But, he got over the pain, and looked back over at a stunned, still rather angry Fado.

"I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT, DAMMIT!" our hero yelled, shaking his fist at the ex-sage.

Once Daphness and Link were outside, Daphness turned back into his boat form as Link got his clothes on.

"Ok... Let's pretend like this NEVER happened..." the King of Red Lions said, although he had secretly filmed the whole entire thing...

"Agreed," Link replied, stepping into the boat and hoisting the sail.

The two were off...off to see...MAKAR! DUN, DUN, dun!


	47. Makar, Sage of the Wind

_**Makar, Sage of the Wind**_

Link and the King of Red Lions pulled up on the shores of Forest Haven.

"Don't make me do this..." Link whined.

"Oh, shut up! What? Are you afraid of some damn turnip?" the King taunted.

"NO!"

"Well, then, go find Makar!"

"No."

The King of Red Lions thought for a moment.

"I'll pay you."

"How much?" Link asked.

"1,000 rupees."

"DEAL!"

And, with that, Link ran off to find everybody's favorite, special-rific turnip.

When he was near a waterfall, Link heard the familiar tune of a certain instrument. The song being played was Turn Me On by Kevin Lyttle, except it was on the violin.

Our hero instantly knew that there was only one turnipin Forest Haven who owned a harp... Makar.

But, how was he going to get behind that waterfall? If he couldn't do it, then he wouldn't get the King of Red Lions' money!

Meanwhile, the King himself floated in the water with his video camera, chuckling.

"Heh heh...what an idiot. Like I was really gonna pay him! HONESTLY! I was just gonna get it all on tape! Heh heh..."

Link suddenly got an idea.

Talking in a loud voice, he said, "Yeah, um, are you the guy that ordered the condoms?"

The music stopped. Makar's voice came through the sound of the rushing water.

"Yeah, that's me! You got the condoms?"

"Yeah. Now, just let me in you little fuck-I, uh, I mean, Mr. Customer..." Link replied.

"Sure thing," Makar said.

The water stopped. All was still. Nervously, Link made his way into Makar's Lair of Darkness...

When the boy entered the cave, the water started rushing again, causinghim to jump.

Makar saw Link and stared. I mean, you can't really tell what he's thinking by his face 'cause he doesen't really have a face, just a leaf with holes in it. Heh heh...leaf with holes...

"Link...? Is that..._YOU_?" he gasped.

Link backed away a little.

"Um...yeah...obviously..."

"Why are you here?" Makar asked.

"Because. I'm being paid to find you and take you away."

"Take me away? Oh, no... The last time someone took me away, they were taking me to the grocery store! And not to buy stuff! They thought I was a fucking turnip for crying out loud, and they stuck me in a net-like bag, tied it tight, and threw me in a bin! Everyone thought I was rotted, and they sold me for half-price!"

"Look, I would care if I cared. But, I _don't_ care. So, come on, let's go, and on the way _and_ while we're at our destination, stay at least 5 feet away from me! I filed a restraining order against you!"

"Look, buddy, I ain't goin' nowhere. I'm pissed at you. I mean, c'mon, I payed 600 rupees, and you _still_ got a restraining order put on me!"

And with that, Makar turned away and started playing Turn Me On again.

Link growled.

"Ok, dipshit, you had better come with me _now_, or else..."

"Or else what?"

"Or else...or else I'll, like, uh...have to hurt you an' stuff! YEAH! _That's_ what I'm gonna do!"

"BITE ME!"

Makar turned back around and spat in Link's eyes.

Link wiped the korok spit away.

"LOOK, BITCH, I'VE KICKED AN ASS LOAD OF ASSES SINCE I LAST SAW YOU, AND-"

Then Link remembered the song. He started to play that awakening song thingy.

Makar listened.

"That song sounds so familiar... Hey, I'm the sage of the Wind Temple!"

"Good for you... Now, let's go so I can get my rupees!"

"Well, I guess so."

And with that, Link and Makar left the Lair of Darkness and walked back to the King of Red Lions. Link kept a wary eye on that little turnip, however, to make sure that he wasn't breaking the restraining order.

"So…I assume you are Makar?" the King said.

Makar nodded. Well, he didn't nod, 'cause he doesn't have a neck, so pretend I never said anything.

I NEVER SAID AAAANYTHIIIING….

"Yes, I am Makar," Makar answered

"OH, WAIT, MAKAR! I REMEMBER YOU! We were both at that party back in '96, remember?" the King of Red Lions said.

"OH, YEAH! DUDE! YOU WERE A GREAT BELLY DANCER!" Makar told him.

Link was confused. The King of Red Lions didn't really have a belly most of the time, so that didn't make much sense.

"Thanks, I know," the King said with little modesty.

Then Makar and the King started talking for a very long time. Link took advantage of this, and stole Makar's wallet.

After a few hours, Link decided to cut the conversation short.

"Well, this has been really gay, so let's go now, shall we?"he asked irritably.

"Oh, right…." The King said, suddenly remembering what he had falsely bribed Link to do.

Link, with his small brain, had forgotten all about the King's lie.

"LET'S GO THEN," he growled, grabbing Makar like a bowling ball or something and throwing him into the boat.

Makar fell to the floor of the vessel with a thunk.

"AH HA! YOU JUST VIOLATED YOUR OWN RESTRAINING ORDER, DUMBASS!" Makar yelled.

Link growled and gave Makar the finger. Makar's eyes glowed red as he flew into the air and latched himself on to Link's neck. Link screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH, GET 'IM OFF MEEEEEE!" he wailed.

The King of Red Lions laughed and filmed it.

When Makar had sucked enough blood from Link, the two got in the boat. Link started sailing quietly, for he was tired and dizzy from blood loss. Makar cackled evilly as they sailed along, and that's when Link knew that the Wind Temple was gonna suck. HARD.

_Here it is--the Wind Temple chapter. I hope you like it! I jsut ask one thing of you, reader--after reading this chapter, you must please think of me whenever you eat Fruit Loops. You'll understand why when you read the chapter, heh heh... I hope you like it! The next one is coming out soon. This story is reaching it's end, you know..._


	48. The Wind Temple

_**The Wind Temple**_

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedlee-dee, they they are a-standing in a row; bum, bum, bum..." Makar sang as he sat on the King of Red Lions' head.

Link was seated at the bottom of the boat as far away from Makar as he could get. He banged his head on the wood over, and over, and over again... Well, it's not like he had too many brain cells left to lose, so it was ok.

The King was fighting back laughter at the sight of Link getting a taste of his own medicine.

"Ok, Makar... Could you shut up now? You've been singing the same song over and over again..." the boy said, his eye twitching.

Makar went into thoughtful silence for a moment.

"Well...I have been singing that song for a very long time... Ok. I'll sing something different."

"Wait, no, how about the quiet song-"

"IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL, IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL!"

Link let out a shrill cry and covered his ears as the King of Red Lions started laughing hysterically.

After an hour or so of sailing the small-sea-after-all, the trio reached their destination. Makar and Link jumped out of the boat.

"Ok. Link, do you promise to love and protect Makar for as long as you are both in the Wind Temple?" the King asked.

"What?" replied Link.

"Alrighty then. Makar--do you promise to love and protect Link for as long as you both are in the Wind Temple?"

"I DO!" Makar said.

"I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU LINK AND MAKAR! Go kick some ass, and Link, if it's not too much trouble, please try to die during your little quest."

This time, the idea of dying sounded pretty appealing to Link, though he said nothing. Instead, he continued to look at the King.

"Ok, I don't want to do this, so I'm just not gonna..." the boy said, sitting on the ground cross-legged.

The King of Red Lions' eyes glowed red, scaring Link enough to get right back up on his feet.

"Um, alright then, I'll go...let's hit the road, turnip..." he growled to Makar as he headed into the Wind Temple entrance room thing.

Makar followed. Once they were inside, the two played a duet of _Turn Me On _by Kevin Lyttle to break the stone Wind Waker slab. It worked, 'cause everyone knows that _Turn Me On_ is waaaaay better than that dumb old _Wind God's Aria_ song...

In the next room, the pair found themselves on a ledge. Link kicked Makar off of it, and the little turnip landed on the grass below with a soft 'thud'. Link slowly followed him.

"Hey, what'd you do that for, you cock sucker?" Makar barked.

Link smirked and shrugged innocently.

"Oh, it was an accident, Makar," he lied.

All of a sudden, a fireball flew over to Link, hit him, and in a moment, our hero felt his clothes burst into flames!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" he screamed as he stopped, dropped, and rolled.

Makar laughed and watched.

At last, Link managed to survive his tunic fire, but at one cost--it left him naked. Makar stared at his nude partner silently then he started laughing hysterically. Link turned bright red.

"Look, turnip, it's not funny! NOT FUNNY, DAMMIT!"

Makar took a deep breath to calm himself then said, "You're right...it's not funny...not funny...not-AH HA HA HA HA HA!"

Then another fireball came down, but this time, Link dodged it.

"Dammit, where are these fireballs coming from?" he growled.

Then Link spotted the culprit. It was none other than the infamous Toucan Sam! The terrible, horrible dark lord of all cereal mascots!

Toucan Sam laughed evilly and said, "Fool! How dare you try to foil Ganondorf's plans! YOU SHALL PERISH WHERE YOU STAND! YOU HEAR ME? YOU SHALL PER-"

But suddenly, Toucan Sam just dropped dead. On the ground. Dead. Not living. He just...died.

"Oooooook then... Let's go, Turnip..." Link grumbled as he pulled out a bomb and tried to forget about his own nudity. The boy was planning to use a little trick that Medli taught him...

Lighting the fuse and throwing the bomb, Link ran away, not bothering to warn Makar. But, luckily, the little shrub already knew that bombs do, in fact, explode when their fuses are lit. The bomb did just that! Link and Makar walked through the rubble of the destroyed room and ventured into the next area.

The next room was very large and looked too complicated for Link's tastes, so he just exploded the hell out of it too.

In the room after that room, there were some Armos Statues. They were about to attack the dynamic duo, but when they saw Link naked, they just laughed and stared. Our hero turned bright red and Makar started laughing. Then Link kicked him, and the little turnip was sent flying into the air and into the barred door at the other end of the room. For some reason, Makar stopped laughing.

After a few minutes, the Armos Statues were still laughing at Link. Makar finally started moving again, so Link knew he was alive.

"Ow...that hurt, you son of a bitch!" Makar snapped weakly.

Link just glared at him as he lit another bomb, which destroyed the Armos Statues, the walls, and the barred door. The boys walked into the next room.

There were some dirt patches in the new place. With the help of his handy guide book, Makar read and followed the directions in it telling him to plant seeds in the dirt patches. When Makar planted the third and final tree, four purpley, black hand thingies came out of the floor and grabbed Makar. These creatures were called Floor Masters. Link positioned himself in such a way so that he could watch Makar's abduction take place...

"LINK, YOU COCK SUCKER, HELP MEEEEE!" Makar wailed.

Link just laughed, pointed, and continued watching.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH, I'LL KILL YOUR BUTCH AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS!" the little shrub wailed as the Floor Masters pulled him into parts unknown.

Then all was quiet. Link realized that he was now all alone...

"YES! HELL YEAH! GOOD BYE, TURNIP; HELLO, LINK'S FREEDOM! WOOHOO!" he cheered.

After a few minutes of enjoying the turnipless silence, Link looked to his right and spotted a door.

What do I have to lose? he thought as he went through it.

The place he entered was circular, as in round. This place was the Wind Temple's main chamber, so claimed Link's The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker guide book. There were some peahats, which would've attacked Link, had they not seen his cock and burst into laughter. Our hero was pissed and relieved at the same time, although he still could not figure out what was so damn funny about nudity.

Using his guide, Link did what he had to do in the main room, and I don't feel like writing about it. Then he went through a door that I don't feel like saying much about.

The next room he entered looked a lot like a canyon or something. Link took out his Deku Leaf, spotted an updraft, ran into it, and allowed the Deku Leaf to carry him upward to a ledge near a fence thing.

Oh, screw this, I'm gonna skip ahead to like, the next room or something...

In the room after that room, Link found himself on a ledge above the floor. There was a button in front of him, so he put on his iron boots and stepped on it. The button caused the floor below the ledge to open up, revealing the basement of the Wind Temple. Forgetting to use his Deku Leaf, Link jumped through the opening leading to the basement.

As he fell, he said, "I feel like I'm forgetting something...but what? Let's see...got my sword, got this, got that, but I'm just missing my...oh, it's on the tip of the tongue, tip of the tongue! Oh, yeah! That's right! I forgot my Deku Leaf! I need that to...oh, shit, I'm screwed..."

Then Link started screaming. But, luckily, he landed on a nice, soft Toucan Sam, which was weird, 'cause the toucan didn't even die there or anything.

Link stood up, pulled Toucan Sam out of his ass crack (The bird got stuck there upon impact.), and began to explore the basement. Not seeing anything that particularly interested him, Link blew the hole damn thing to smithereens then realized that he had been hanging around Medli too much...

After doing some stuff, Link found his way back to the main room of the temple. He used a key he had gotten from some room and unlocked a door.

Inside the door was a room, and in that room, there was a high-level Wizzrobe. A Wizzrobe is a creature that looks a lot like Toucan Sam, 'cause you know why? They are his MINIONS... And now they were pissed because they thought that Link had killed their leader, even though he didn't, because Toucan Sam just dropped dead. Dead, as in not alive, moving or breathing or anything like that.

So, anyway, the high-level Wizzrobe used his magic powers to summon another Wizzrobe and a Darknut!

"You killed Toucan Sam! And now, you DIE!" the high-level Wizzrobe said as he, the other Wizzrobe, and the Darknut slowly approached Link.

Link backed up and replied, "What are you talking about? I did NOT kill Toucan Sam! He just dropped dead! I had NOTHING to do with it!"

Our hero slowly turned around and crept to the door, which, to his dismay, was locked.

"Well, if you did not kill Toucan Sam, then why are some of his FEATHERS in your ASS CRACK?" the Darknut asked.

"Uh...I kind of fell on him, and he sort of found his way up my ass crack. But then I stood up and pulled him out, I SWEAR!"

The three villains gasped.

"YOU SQUASHED TOUCAN SAM?" they yelled.

"Hey, I did NOT squish him! He just went up my ass! There's a DIFFERENCE!"

The two Wizzrobes and the Darknut continued to approach Link. They meant business, for they didn't even stop and laugh at his dick! There was no way out of this one--Link would have to fight...

And thus, the battle began! It was an epic one, indeed! Link sliced up the Darknut, killed the lower ranking Wizzrobe with some arrows, but when he turned to kill the other Wizzrobe, he saw that it had summoned more enemies! Too bad for the Wizzrobe though, because he had summoned the stupider villains that just laughed and pointed at Link's cock. Then they exploded.

The Wizzrobe got another Wizzrobe to join the fight. Link killed that one too, so the high-level Wizzrobe brought another Darknut into the battle, which Link also quickly slayed. Then our hero managed to get a shot at the high-level Wizzrobe. He got 'im with some arrows, and although the creature was injured, he did not die. The Wizzrobe summoned some more stupid villains, which was a dumb move, 'cause they just laughed and exploded like the ones before them.

All of a sudden, the beeping of a watch was heard. The watch belonged to the Wizzrobe, who looked at it and said, "Oh, my! _Will and Grace_ is coming on! Sorry, kid, but we can't do this now. My show is on! I'll tell you what--you can take this here Hookshot..." The Wizzrobe threw the object to Link before he disappeared to go watch _Will and Grace_.

"COCK SUCKER! I WAS KICKING YOUR ASS!" Link shouted.

There was no reply.

"WUSS!" he called before stopping to look around the room.

Link then proceeded to do all that stuff with his new Hookshot then he did all that other stuff, yaddah yaddah, until, finally, he reached the first floor of the Wind Temple. Link looked around at the area he was now in, and to his dismay, spotted a cell containing Makar at the north side of the room. The little turnip started yelling at Link.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, DEERCLIT? I'VE BEEN SITTIN' IN THIS SHITHOLE FOR WHO KNOWS HOW LONG! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF, YOUNG MAN?"

Link rolled his eyes.

"I've nothing to say on my behalf, but I DO have something to say for YOU--SHUT THE FUCK UP AND QUIT YELLING!"

"I'M NOT YELLING, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S YELLING, YOU NAKED PIECE OF SHIT!"

"'NAKED PIECE OF SHIT'! THAT'S A BIG THING TO SAY FOR A PIECE OF FRUIT!"

"FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I'M MORE IN THE VEGETABLE FAMILY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

The argument went on for hours, until finally, Makar used his dark powers to break open the cage. The little shrub flew into the air and latched himself onto Link's neck; the boy started screaming.

"AAAAAAAAAH! GET OFF OF ME! GET OFF, GET OFF, GET OFF, GET OFF!" he yelled, trying to pull Makar off of him.

At last, the little turnip was satisfied with the amount of blood he had sucked from Link, so he backed off. Link swayed a little.

"So...woozy..." he muttered.

Makar laughed and watched. Finally, when Link had regained some balance, he and Makar agreed to blow the Wind Temple to smithereens; and that they did. Except during the explosion, the corpse of Toucan Sam landed on Link's head.

"BLEH!" the boy uttered disgustedly as he shook the toucan out of his hair.

Makar found the Big Key, and the two looked up, only to find that they stood before the boss room. Link kicked Makar to the ground, took the key from him, and unlocked the door...

_Here it is--the next chapter! I hope you like it. Sorry if it's too random, but I couldn't resist to do this for this chapter. The next chapters'll make more sense. Oh, and by the way, go to my bio page for previews on my upcoming stories. You'll find a surprise there, heh heh... Anyway, the next chapter will be out really soon, because now since we're close to the end of the story, the chapters will come out quite quickly. I prefer to call this period 'The Rush'._


	49. Molgera Or Not

_**Molgera...or Not**_

Link and Makar entered the boss room, which was empty, and, well, round... Link spotted something on the floor and picked it up. It was a note!

_Dear Hero,_

_I am not here to fight you right now because _Will and Grace _is on, so I present to you my substitute--COCK!_

_--Molgera_

"What the fuck?" Link said after reading the note.

"Something wrong, cock sucker?" Makar asked.

Link replied, "Yeah. It says Molgera is watching _Will and Grace_ and can't fight the hero, which is me, for _obvious _reasons." The boy ran a hand through his hair arrogantly then continued. "Then it says that Molgera has a substitute named Cock..."

"What's a 'Molgera'?" Makar questioned.

Then suddenly, sand began to fill the room! Link yelped and jumped.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"

Makar screamed and jumped into Link's ass crack to hide. The boy yelped and danced around.

"MAKAR, GET OUT OF MY ASS, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!"

"THERE'S NOWHERE ELSE TO HIDE!" Makar cried. "And besides, it's quite spacious in here, you know."

"MAKAR, I FUCKING SWEAR, I'M GONNA RIP YOU APART!" Link screamed.

"Oh, look! I found some drugs, a porn magazine, this thong thing, some chick's panties, some guy's stained boxers, more porn, a deflated sex doll, and some Cheerios..." Makar said.

"Look, just GET OUT, Makar! There's nothing to be scared of in here! It's just sand, and nothing-"

All of a sudden, A GIANT PENIS CAME OUT OF THE SAND! IT WAS NONE OTHER THAN COCK!

Link gasped.

"It's...a giant...penis?"

Cock let out a battle cry and spewed Fruits Loops.

"OH, SHIT, HE'S GOT FRUIT LOOPS!" Link cried.

Cock dived into the sand and came back up again. Then it shot some Fruit Loops at Link, hitting him right in the face!

"AH, IT BURNS!"

"Kill it!" Makar squealed.

"HOW THE HELL DO YOU KILL A GIANT PENIS THAT SHOOTS FRUIT LOOPS?"

"I don't know! You'll think of SOMETHING!"

Link decided to put his new Hookshot to use. The boy pulled it out of his ass crack, and shot it at the giant sex organ. It had no affect!

Cock dived back into the sand, then it peeped out a little and fired more Fruit Loops. Link dodged the cereal, shot at Cock's head with the Hookshot.

Success! Cock screamed in agony and was temporarily paralyzed. Link took this opportunity to slash it with his sword. Unfortunately, after a few slashes, Cock regained control of itself and smacked Link across the room. The poor boy screamed and hit the wall.

Cock roared, then flew out of the sand and started firing more Fruit Loops at Link! Link screamed and tried to escape, but he ended up getting hit. Cock dived back into the sand.

"Dammit, out of all things, why a giant penis? WHY?"

"Maybe this is a sign that you masturbate too much, and the Goddesses are punishing you," Makar said.

"I DON'T MASTURBATE, YOU ASSHOLE!"

"Yes, you do."

"NO, I DON'T!"

"Then why do you have a copy of Self Gratification for Dummies in here?"

"Um... You're...hallucinating?"

"Oh, yeah, sure. RIGHT."

"OH, FORGET IT, I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO!" Link said, turning his attention back to Cock, who was now poking its head out of the sand once again.

Link fired the Hookshot at Cock, demonstrating perfect aim. Once again, the creature became paralyzed, and Link slashed it. This time, he made sure to run away quickly after a few good hits.

Cock flew out of the sand and started firing more cereal, which Link dodged. The creature went back into the sand, so Link waited...

But suddenly, Cock appeared right next to Link, and knocked him against the wall again! Link screamed and groaned upon impact.

"Makar, a little HELP would be nice!"

"Huh, you say something?" Makar said.

Link just growled, winced, and got to his feet. Cock was flying around and firing more Fruit Loops, but they did not hit Link. The creature retreated deep beneath the sand. Link waited, ready for anything that Cock might do...

The massive sex organ peeped out of the sand. Right away, Link fired his Hookshot at it for the third time. The same thing happened, so Link proceeded to slash Cock with his sword.

The creature let out a death cry and exploded in a puff of Fruit Loops! VICTORY WAS LINK'S!

Link cheered and danced NSYNC style. Then he noticed that instead of a Heart Piece or something gay like, that, there was a brand new tunic and hat laying in the sand! The boy ran to it, causing Makar to fall out of his ass. Link put the clothes on.

"Ah, that feels better..."

Makar picked up some Fruit Loops and munched on them. After a moment, he said, "Well, shouldn't I like, return the power to the Master Sword or something?"

Link looked at him.

"Yeah, whatever..."

And with that, Makar and Link began to play a duet of _Turn Me On_.

The Master Sword began to glow and shake...

"WOAH!" Link exclaimed.

THE POWER OF THE MASTER SWORD HAD RETURNED! THE BLADE COULD NOW KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS!

"Heh heh...cool..." Link said, twirling it around. He dropped it, but quickly picked it up again.

Makar's eyes glowed red.

"GET OUT NOW..." he said in a demonic voice.

"Huh! Gladly!" Link snorted, walking towards the cyclone.

Makar started munching on Fruit Loops again just as Link stepped into the little tornado and was whisked away...


	50. The Triforce Stuff

_**The Triforce Stuff**_

Link landed gently on the ground. Well, he would've landed gently, had he not landed on his ass from a falling height of about 15 feet. Regardless of the pain and nausea, Link sat up anyway, and looked at the King of Red Lions.

"I assume you did everything that you needed to do?" the King said.

"Yeah…. Went through the temple, watched Toucan Sam die, kicked some guys' asses, then fought a giant penis that shoots Fruit Loops," Link replied.

"What?"

"You heard me. I went through the damn temple, saw the fucking toucan die for no apparent reason, then I fought a giant Fruit Loop shooting penis!"

"What did you smoke?"

"What are you talking about? I didn't smoke nothin'…." Link said, hiding a bag of marijuana behind his back.

"So you're telling me that you fought a giant cock?" the King of Red Lions asked.

"Yeah, pretty much."

"I don't wanna know anymore…. Well, let's get down to business, shall we? We need to collect 8 triforce charts and 8 triforce shards, but we need the charts in order to find the shards, and we need the charts deciphered, but we have to find the charts…." The King rambled.

Link stared at him blankly.

"Um…what?"

"Dumbass, we have to find some charts and get them deciphered."

"Well...who's gonna decipher them?"

"Oh, shit... Link, you forgot to save Tingle..."

"Who's Tingle?"

"SOME GUY THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SAVE FROM PRISON!" the King yelled.

"MAYBE I COULD COOPERATE WITH YOU IF YOU WOULD JUST STOP YELLING, YOU MOTHER FUCKER!" Link screamed.

All of a sudden, something green attached to a red balloon appeared in the air. It was zooming right towards Link and the King of Red Lions!

"YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE, COPPERS!" the thing screamed.

Then the dynamic duo noticed that police boats were following the thing and firing guns at it.

"OK, PHYSCO, STEP AWAY FROM THE BALLOON BEFORE WE BLAST YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT!" the police shouted.

"NEVAH!" the flying thing shouted as it landed near the King of Red Lions and Link.

The two could see that the thing was a short, ugly man in a tight, green once piece outfit. He had a red belt around his waist.

"What the fuck?" Link muttered, staring at the odd little man.

The guy pulled out a bazooka and started shooting the police. He managed to sink their ships, and thus, the police died.

"Um...who are you?" Link asked the guy.

"My name is Tingle," the dude replied.

"Oooooh, so YOU'RE Tingle..." our hero said.

There was a moment of silence.

"So...whatcha in for?" Link asked.

"Mollestation, drug dealing, grand theft auto, first degree murder..." Tingle answered. "Oh yeah, and I'm also charged with having sex with people's dogs."

"Dogs are fun..." the boy told him.

The King of Red Lions looked sickened.

"Link, you had sex with a dog?" he gasped.

"Um...maybe?"

"Whatever, I don't wanna know anymore... So, anyway, Tingle, can you decipher some charts for us? Once we find them?"

"Sure, um...um..." Tingle stuttered.

"Oh, I'm the King of Red Lions, and this is Link."

"Yeah, whatever. I'll decipher some charts for you..."

"Wait... I have some charts..." Link said.

The King of Red Lions and Tingle looked at him curiously.

Link took off his pants and reached up his ass crack (He wasn't wearing underwear.). He pulled out the triforce charts!

"Where did you get those?" the King asked.

"Um...nowhere...uh...somewhere?" Link replied as he pulled his pants back up.

"Well, who cares. Just give 'em here, boy. I will gladly decipher charts for anyone who enjoys canine pleasure," Tingle said.

Link handed the charts to Tingle, and the little man made them readable using the magic of magic.

"Ok...well, I better leave before more cops come. Bye guys," Tingle said as he blew up another balloon.

Link then remembered he was nauseous and threw up all over Tingle.

"AH, IT BURNS!" Tingle screamed. Then he exploded.

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"Well, let's go find the triforce shards now," the King said.

Link agreed, and got inside the boat, hoisted the sail, and the two sailed away.

"Ok, so...now what do we do?" Link asked.

"Now we must find the shards of the Triforce of Courage."

"Wait...do you mean THESE shards?"

Link pulled down his pants, reached up his ass crack, and pulled out all 8 triforce shards!

The King of Red Lions gasped.

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET THOSE?"

"Um..."

"Nevermind, I'd be best off not knowing..."

All of a sudden, the pieces formed into the Triforce of Courage! Link stared at it.

"Hey, the pieces didn't come together like that when they were in my ass crack!"

"Do you know what we're to do now, Link?" the King of Red Lions asked in a serious tone.

"Um...no, not really..." Link replied.

"We're going to go pay a little visit to Ganondorf..."

The time of destiny was drawing near. It was time to put an end to the dark prince's shit... Link and the King of Red Lions sailed to the Tower of the Gods...


	51. A Missing Princess

_**A Missing Princess**_

Link and the King of Red Lions arrived at the Tower of the Gods, and sailed into the ring of light that led to Hyrule. Nothing happened.

"Link, lift up the Triforce of Courage," the King instructed.

"Huh? Why?" Link asked.

"DAMMIT, DON'T QUESTION ME, JUST DO IT!"

Link lifted up the Triforce piece and dropped it, but he quickly picked it up again and held it to the heavens once more.

There was a moment of silence.

"Link, the gods recognize you as a hero...the Hero of Winds!" the King exclaimed.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Link asked, but just then, the Triforce of Courage embedded itself in the back of Link's left hand!

The boy screamed.

"AH, SHIT! GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT!" he yelled as he pulled out his sword and prepared to cut off his hand.

"LINK, YOU IDIOT, DON'T CUT OFF YOUR HAND!"

"AND WHY NOT!"

"BECAUSE THEN YOU WON'T HAVE A LEFT HAND IF YOU CUT IT OFF!"

Link thought for a moment. He hadn't realized that.

"Oh..." our hero muttered, putting his sword away.

All of a sudden, the pair began to sink back down to Hyrule!

After a few minutes of going through a dramatic sinking-to-Hyrule cutscene, they finally arrived at the kingdom.

"Ok, Link, you must return to the basement of Hyrule! There, you shall join up with Princess Zelda! TOGETHER, YOU TWO WILL DEFEAT GANONDORF!" the King exclaimed.

"Wait, don't you mean Tetra?" Link asked.

"No, I mean ZELDA."

"Who's Zelda?"

"Tetra is Zelda."

"But you just said that Tetra wasn't Zelda..."

"DAMMIT, TETRA IS BOTH TETRA AND PRINCESS ZELDA AT THE SAME EXACT TIME!" the King yelled.

"SHE CAN'T BE TWO PEOPLE AT ONCE, YOU DUMBASS!" Link shot back.

"SHE CAN TOO!"

"NO, SHE CAN'T!"

"SHE CAN SO!"

"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Look...Tetra is the DESCENDANT of Zelda, therefore making her Zelda in a way. She WAS Tetra, but then she turned into Zelda. Got it?" the King growled.

"No..." Link replied.

"Well, WHATEVER. Now, just get your ass back in that damn basement and get Princess Zelda!"

"NO! She can rot in that fucking basement for all I care, 'cause I never want to see that bitch again!"

"And why not?"

"BECAUSE, ZELDA, TETRA; WHOEVER THE HELL SHE IS; IS A BITCH WHO FAKES PREGNANCY AND CARRIES AROUND A PURSE FULL OF MONOPOLY MONEY, WHICH DOESEN'T EVEN MAKE _SENSE_!"

The King of Red Lions sat in thoughtful silence for a moment.

"True... But still, it's destiny! Do it for the sake of the world!"

"Still doesen't sound too appealing..."

The King of Red Lions' eyes glowed red. Link yelped and jumped out of the boat.

"But, uh, suddenly, it does!" he said quickly.

Our hero made his way into the castle, only to find that it got all messed up and stuff! Pillars lay on the ground, broken; the Link statue's head had fallen off, ect... Link didn't seem to care much, for he just walked back into the basement.

On the platform, her back facing Link, stood Princess Zelda.

"HEY, BITCH, LET'S JUST GET THIS WHOLE 'FULFILLING YOUR DESTINY' THING OVER WITH SO WE CAN GET ON WITH OUR LIVES!" Link shouted to her as he approached.

Suddenly, she turned around, and disappeared! Link ran to the spot where she was.

"What the hell?"

A ring of fire surrounded the platform, trapping Link! Ganondorf's voice rang out through the basement.

"Heh heh heh... That wasn't the real Zelda! That was a holagram, for I have captured the real thing!"

"GOOD, YOU CAN KEEP HER!" Link yelled.

Ganondorf paid no mind to Link's comment, and finished by saying, "Now you will go to sleep...FOREVER!"

Two Mighty Darknuts appeared and started to approach Link...

Mighty Darknuts are Darknuts, except they're more powerful, and they have different armor and wear capes and stuff.

Well, anyway, the Mighty Darknuts walked towards Link in an ominous fashion. Link backed up a little.

"Oh, shit..."

What am I gonna do? Link thought. I mean, I've only defeated a billion regular Darknuts, have the Triforce of Courage, and the blade of evil's bane in my hands! WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO?

Then he remebered EVERY Zelda villain's weakness...

Link reached his hand down his pants, up his crack, and pulled out a box of Cheerios. He waved the cereal in the air.

"HEY! LOOK! CHEERIOS!" he shouted, throwing the box over the fire and far away from the platform.

"WOAH, DUDE! CHEERIOS!" the Mighty Darknuts said as they ran through the fire unharmed and went for the box of cereal.

The flames trapping Link suddenly disappeared. Our hero looked back at the enemies and muttered, "Ha ha...suckers..." before leaving the basement.

Link returned to the King of Red Lions.

"Well, Zelda, Tetra, WHOEVER; has been kidnapped. Sucks for her, I guess," he told the King.

"Well, why are you here then! Go save her!" the boat replied.

"That's not my responsibility."

"OF COURSE IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, DUMBASS! YOU'RE THE HERO OF WINDS, YOU'RE ENTIRE LIFE IS DEDICATED TO SAVING PRINCESSES AND KINGDOMS AND STUFF!"

"NO, IT'S NOT!" Link argued.

"DAMMIT, IT IS TOO!" the King yelled.

"IS NOT!"

"We don't have time for this, Link! If you don't find her NOW, Ganondorf will kill us all!"

"So?"

"YOU'LL BE DEAD!"

Link hadn't realized that if Ganondorf killed him, he would be dead.

"Oh..." he muttered.

There was a moment of silence.

"Ok, sooooo...what do I do now?" Link asked.

The King of Red Lions sighed.

"Go through the exit on the other side of the castle, walk down the path, and break the barrier with your Master Sword. After that, keep following the path, and you'll find Ganon's Castle."

Deciding against arguing any further, Link went back into castle and made his way to the other door. He walked down the path and, not seeing any barriers and deciding that the King of Red Lions was out of his fucking mind, he kept walking.

Big mistake, for the barrier was invisible. Link walked straight into it, got electrocuted, and was sent flying 15 feet away while screaming, "SON OF A BIIIIIIIIITCH!"

Our not so heroish-hero landed on his back with a soft 'thud!'. He groaned and slowly got to his feet; his nose started bleeding.

"Dammit...ok...maybe there _is_ a barrier there..." Link grumbled, pinching his nose.

He tried to remember what the King of Red Lions had told him to do in order to get rid of the barrier. He thought of things the King had said...

_"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"_

_"DID YOU HEAR ME? I SAID STOP SINGING! THAT'S ENOUGH NOW, SO SHUT UP, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"_

_"Idiot, I know all about your toys, just don't play with them while I'm around!"_

_"15 rupees...? THAT'S IT? YOU NEARLY KILLED YOURSELF TRYING TO GET 15 RUPEES YOU STOLE FROM YOUR OWN GRANDMOTHER? YOU CROSSED THE LINE, YOU SELFISH LITTLE BUTT FUCKER! YOU TRULY HAVE NO CONCIOUS!"_

_"Wait, what! Did you just call me Paris Hilton?"_

"Dammit, why can't I remember what that bastard said?" Link growled.

Out of anger, he ran up to the barrier and slashed it with the Master Sword. Suddenly, the barrier stopped being invisible and turned dark purple. Then it shattered.

"Oh...I guess that worked..."

Link walked on down the path, only to come face to face with some enemies. He pelted Cheerios at them, which they ate greedily.

Cheerios are the best weapons, you know.

Our hero arrived at a broken part in the path. At the other end lay a huge cave entrance thing, which was the entrance to Ganon's Castle. Link used his Hookshot to cross the broken part, and entered the castle.

It was time to kick some serious ass, and be done with his mission!

_I'm gonna try to get as many chapters as possible out today. The Wind Waker may even end today._


	52. Monochrome Memories

_**Monochrome Memories**_

Link entered Ganon's Tower (Heh, I've been calling it a castle, when I just found out that it's actually a tower...), only to find that it was a lava-filled chasm. There was a platform in the middle of the room, with four rope bridges leading off of it. Straight ahead was a heavy door, which was locked or something. Link noticed that at the end of each bridge sat a smaller door.

Link decided to go into the closest door to him on the left. He walked down the path to the platform, and turned to walk across the bridge, which, uh...he did. Our hero entered the room...

The place he entered reminded him of Dragon Roost Cavern. It was all lava-filled and stuff... Aided by his Wind Waker Guidebook, Link walked to a ledge on the left.

And you know what? Link did stuff. That's right -- STUFF. I don't feel like writing about the stuff he did, but before he knew it, Link was standing before a door. A door to a monochrome Gohma, to be exact. Link would have to refight her, but, he didn't know that yet...

The room Link entered was black and white, and Link recognized it as Gohma's room.

"What the hell? Oh, my goddesses..." he muttered realizing where he was. "SHIT, I'M IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE! NOOOOOOO! IT CAN'T BE!" Link started screaming.

Suddenly, a black and white Gohma heard the shouts and reared up from the lava. Our hero stared at her, wide-eyed. Then he glared.

"YOU FUCKING BITCH! I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU!"

Gohma did not reply; she smacked him with one of her claws. Link flew across the room and hit the wall. HARD. He groaned and got to his feet. Then he realized something...

"STUPID BUG! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME! I HAVE THE MASTER SWORD! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? I BETCHA DON'T, 'CAUSE YOU DON'T GOT NO BRAIN, AND YOU IS STUPID! THE MASTER SWORD IS THE BLADE TO REPEL ALL EVIL, AND WITH IT, I WILL SO TOTALLY KILL YOU!"

Link reached into his hilt to get the Master Sword, only to find his old Hero's Sword in its place...

"Wha...what?" he uttered, staring at the non-magical blade he held in his hand. Link searched for his other weapons, like his arrows and stuff, but only found the items he had when he fought Gohma before...

"Oh, shit..."

But then another memory came to Link -- how he defeated Gohma before. Link recalled the hole Grappling Hook thing... If it worked the first time, he was sure as hell that it would work again.

Our hero looked up and saw a grey, memory-ish version of Valoo's tail hanging from a hole in the ceiling. Link pulled out his Grappling Hook and sort of lassoed the tail as he had done before. Our hero swung to the other side of the room and managed to land somewhat gracefully (he stumbled a bit though.). He turned around and watched as that large hunk of rock and stuff fell and landed on Gohma, cracking her shell a bit. Link prepared to fire his Grappling Hook again as the creature pushed the rock back into place. At last, our hero fired, but his aim was off, and he missed. Gohma took this opportunity to smack Link with one of her claws.

"YOU PIECE OF SHIT, I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!" Link cried angrily as he took another try at getting Valoo's tail with the grappling hook.

This time was successful! Link swung back to the side of the room he had started from, and the rock once again hit Gohma, cracking her shell more still.

Link remembered that one more blow to the shell would break it off, and then he would have to fight Gohma without her protection...and, NO, I don't mean protection as in condoms!

Gohma put the hunk of land back in its place and turned to give Link the 'evil eye'. Link just gave her the finger and did that thing with the Grappling Hook again.

Good aim! Link's weapon managed to wrap itself around the enemy's tail. Our hero swung, once again, to the other side of the room.

The rock fell and broke Gohma's shell off. The giant bug roared angrily and faced Link. Our hero smirked and launched the Grappling Hook at her eye, which pulled her close to him and stunned her. He slashed at the eyeball with his lame ass Hero's Sword. Once she recovered from the short-lived paralysis, Gohma drew back, trying to keep her eye away from Link. She hit at him with one of her claws, but missed by a hair. She roared and struck again, this time knocking our young hero to the ground with a scream. Link recovered quickly, however, and used his Grappling Hook to paralyze her once more. It worked! He slashed at the eye with his sword, and at last, the creature was re-vanquished.

Link was suddenly transported back to the main room of Ganon's Tower. He checked his pockets -- all his weapons were there! Everything was back in color. Link ventured down the next bridge and into a new room.

This one was pretty much a rip-off of the Forbidden Woods, 'cause it was all plant-ish. Link crossed this new place and went into the boss room...

Like the one before it, this one was black and white, and to his dismay, Link found that he posessed only the weapons he had when he fought Kalle Demos the first time. Not too surprisingly, the giant plant was already there. Link remembered what to do to kill this boss, but a better idea came to mind...

Link remembered that he had a gun kept up his ass since he was like, 5 or something. Figuring that it was still in there, Link reached up his crack and pulled out the weapon.

"Austa la vista, baby!" he said as he began to shoot the living fuck out of Kalle Demos.

The plant exploded. Link cocked the gun and cackled evilly as he once again found himself in the main room of Ganon's Tower.

It was time to head into the next room. Link walked down yet another rope bridge and entered an Earth Temple themed area. He completed all the puzzle stuff, shooting every enemy that opposed him. At long last, he entered the boss room to once again fight Jahalla.

It was incredibly difficult, indeed. Link had the difficult task of standing there, naked, as he watched a Medli memory thing refight a Jahalla memory thing. The battle was over. Medli had won, but Link preferred to think that he had won.

Link mysteriously found himself in the tower's main room once more. It was time for the last memory. He walked into the Wind Temple themed room, completed the puzzle and shit, and entered the lair of Cock and Molgera.

Cock flew out of the gray sand (After all, this was just a replay of events, so everything was in black, white and gray.), roared, and started firing Fruit Loops at Link, which the young boy dodged. He took his gun and shot Cock several times.

Link was the victor of the trial. Well, I guess that doesen't make much sense, 'cause who else could win? Well, there was Ganondorf, but you get my point. Link stared at the big door that was locked. 4 images of the bosses he fought that were engraved in the door suddenly lit up. The door sort of exploded, and Link was free to venture into the next room, which, as you know, is the Phantom Ganon puzzle...


	53. The Phantom Ganon Puzzle

_**The Phantom Ganon Puzzle**_

After walking for quite some time, Link found himself in a dark room with a few candles, some water, and much to his surprise, the King of Red Lions.

"GAH! What are YOU doing here?" Link yelped.

"Sitting. What's it look like?" the King replied.

"Why the hell are you here?"

"Um...no reason..." the boat said innocently.

Link gave him a wary look. Then there was a long, awkward moment of silence between the two comrads.

"You should probably go down there," the King said, nodding to a hole in the floor.

Link stared at it.

"You mean, you want me to go down a mysterious, dark hole, containing who knows what?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"I won't do it!" our hero said stubbornly, crossing his arms.

The King of Red Lions' eyes glowed red, 'causing Link to scream and jump into the hole.

Link fell into a dark room with 4 doors leading out of it. Before he could really take in all his surroundings, Phantom Ganon appeared.

"You may have tricked me with that whole Lucky Charms Leperchaun thing before, but I will NOT fall for something so stupid ever again! PREPARE TO DIIIIEEEEE!" the phantom cried as he lifted his huge, shadow sword in the air.

"WAIT!" Link yelled.

The enemy lowered his weapon.

"What?" he asked.

"So, you're saying that you won't fall for a Lucky Charms Leperchaun thing again?"

"That's right. I'm just gonna kill you."

"But would you fall for a Lucky Charms Leperchaun wearing a leather tube top and mini-skirt thing?"

"Eh...what?"

Link pulled the Lucky Charms Leperchaun out of his ass, except this time, the leperchaun was wearing a black leather tube top and matching mini-skirt.

"YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME LUCKY CHARMS!" the leperchaun shouted as it ran away.

"WAIT!" Phantom Ganon cried as he dropped his sword and flew after the leperchaun.

Link stared at the weapon on the ground. The point of its blade was pointing straight at him, while the hilt was pointed at the door across the room. Our hero shrugged and entered the room that door lead to.

Another Phantom Ganon appeared. Link gasped.

"I thought I got rid of you!"

"That was a different Phantom Ganon! A stupider one, to be exact!" the phantom said.

"Is 'stupider' even a word?" Link asked.

"Um...I don't know... BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT! PREPARE TO DIIIIEEEEE!" the creature yelled as he created a ball of black energy and pelted it at Link.

Link screamed and deflected the blow with his Master Sword. The ball bounced back to Phantom Ganon, who bounced it back to Link, who bounced it back to the phantom, who bounced it back to Link. Link bounced it back at Phantom Ganon once more. The enemy got hit, and his own ball stunned him. Link hit him with the Master Sword, and he died.

This phantom had a shadow sword like the one before it. The weapon clattered to the ground. Its hilt pointed northeast, so Link went through the door in that direction.

Yet ANOTHER Phantom Ganon appeared.

"PREPARE TO DIIIIEEEEE!" it shouted as it used its sword to hit a dark energy ball at Link.

Link hit the ball back to Phantom Ganon with the Master Sword. The two fighters volleyed for a while, until finally, the phantom got hit and fell to the ground. Link slashed him with his sword, and the fiend died. Phantom Ganon's sword clattered to the ground, its hilt pointing at another door. Link stared at the shadow sword laying on the floor.

"Man, I am soooo smooth..."

That reminded him of something...

"And it's just like the ocean under the moon, the same as the emotion that I get from you; you got the kind of lovin' that can be so smooth, yeah; gimme you heart, make it real, or else forget about it!" our hero sang as he walked into the room the sword hilt was pointing to.

"PREPARE TO DIIIIEEEEE!" shouted the phantom in the next room.

"This is getting rather old..." Link muttered as he hit an energy ball back to the Phantom Ganon.

Link defeated this one, walked into the next room while humming _Smooth_, and then he killed another. This pattern continued on for a few more rounds, then finally, Link reached the last room. He spotted a treasure chest, and ran eagerly to it.

Link opened it up, and found Light Arrows! The boy examined them. They were shiny, so he stuffed them up his ass. Link then walked into the room after that.

The new area was full of stairs being patrolled by Darknuts and Moblins.

Suddenly, Link heard a noise...which caused him to scream, for he knew what it was!


	54. Introduction to Puppet Ganon

_**Introduction to Puppet Ganon**_

_"Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want_

_So tell me what you want, what you really, really want_

_I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want_

_So tell me what you want, what you really, really want_

_I wanna, AH, I wanna, AH, I wanna, AH, I wanna, AH, I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig, aaaaaaahhhh!"_

Link screamed as he realized that instead of playing the piano music that he had before, Ganondorf was blasting Spice Girls music!

"IT'S HORRIBLE! AAAAAAHHH! THE SPICE GIRLS WENT OUT OF STYLE YEARS AGO, AND THAT INSANE OLD BASTARD IS STILL LISTENING TO THEIR MUSIC! AAAAAAAAHHHH!" he yelled as he started running up the stairs in the long hallway-like room he was in.

Our hero dashed past the Moblins and Darknuts. They watched him run.

"HEY, KID, WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR PROBLEM WITH THE SPICE GIRLS?" a Moblin shouted.

_"If you want my future_

_Forget my past_

_If you wanna get with me_

_Better make it fast_

_Now don't go wastin'_

_My precious time_

_Get your act together, we could be just fine!" _the music continued.

Link burst through the door at the top of the stairs and slammed it behind him. The new room he was in was very wet; he was standing in water; and very dark. However, in the middle of the room sat a large platform, and on that platform sat a bed. In that bed; asleep; was Princess Zelda! Standing over her, his hand on her forehead; was Ganondorf.

"OK, YOU PIECE OF SHIT, WHAT'S WITH THAT LAME MUSIC? GEE, I KNEW YOU WERE CRAZY, BUT TO PLAY SPICE GIRLS! HONESTLY! YOU'RE A SICK PERSON! THE SPICE GIRLS ARE SO OUT OF STYLE, IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY!" Link yelled as he waded through the water towards Ganondorf and Zelda.

The dark man did not seem to hear Link's comment.

"I can see this girl's dreams..." Ganondorf said. "Oceans. Oceans. Oceans... Oceans as far as the eye can see. There are no fish. Just oceans. Lots of oceans."

Link stopped. This guy was seriously messed up.

"The Gods drowned Hyrule in hopes of a bright future. But all you people are are leaves on a forgotten pool... Don't you see?" the enemy continued.

"Um...what the hell are you talking about?" Link asked.

"YOUR GODS DESTROYED YOU!" Ganondorf yelled.

Suddenly, the platform Zelda and her bed were on was lifted into the air and out of sight. The princess was gone once more. Link watched her go before turning his attention back to Ganondorf. Our hero gasped.

Ganondorf transformed... He transformed into something hideous...

_Here it is -- the next chapter! Sorry if it's kind of serious and/or boring, but this battle is really important, in my opinion. I tried my best with the humor; added bits of it where I could. Enjoy!_


	55. Puppet Ganon

_**Puppet Ganon**_

Link gaped, eyes wide, as he watched Ganondorf turn into a giant, spooky marionette. The terrible puppet sprouted strings and attached itself to the ceiling. There were strings supporting its arms, head, ect. The creature had a long tail with a bright blue orb at the end.

It was time to face the infamous Puppet Ganon...

Link pondered over what weapon he should use to destroy such a villain. There was the Master Sword, of course, that was a given. However, Puppet Ganon was too high up on the ceiling's rafters to hit with a sword... Link knew he needed to get the thing down to the floor, but how?

His Boomerang! Of course!

"Wow...I gots so totally smarts all of a sudden..." Link said as he pulled his Boomerang out of his crack.

Our hero ran through the water, eyeing the strings of the marionette. The puppet was dancing about as it hung from the rafters, which was really freaky looking, in Link's opinion.

After targetting a group of strings, Link threw the Boomerang, successfully cutting them.

"YES! I AM SOOOOO SMOOTH!" Link cheered.

But suddenly, Puppet Ganon extended one arm and jabbed Link so hard he flew up against the wall.

"UGH!" our hero grunted as he slid to the floor.

Link remembered his gun, and reached into his ass to retrieve it, but found nothing...

"Oh, shit! I must've dropped it!" he realized.

_**Meanwhile...**_

One of the Phantom Ganons saw a gun laying on the floor.

"Hey, cool! A gun!" he said, picking it up and shooting himself.

_**Back at the fight...**_

Link knew he had to fight without his trusty gun. The boy got to his feet and threw the Boomerang at a few more strings. More success! The puppet's head hung limp without strings to support it.

Some time later, Link felt as though he had been firing that damn Boomerang for hours, while in reality, it was only a few minutes. Link threw his weapon again, and the last of the strings holding up the tail were cut, causing the puppet's tail to fall to the ground. Once again, the boy noticed the blue orb at the end of the tail. Something in his brain told him to do some damage to it, so that's what he decided to do. However, the marionette started spinning, so his aim would have to be just right...

Link needed a weapon that could kill all evil. But he just had the Triforce of Courage, the Master Sword, and the Light Arrows; those weren't THAT great. Then he remembered the Light Arrows. That could kill all evil, even though just a moment ago, he thought they couldn't! He took out his bow and the arrows, and shot at the orb with a Light Arrow. This seemed to do some serious damage to the puppet once the orb was hit successfully, for an electric shock seemed to go through its body.

After the quick suffering the puppet endured, it reattached itself to the rafters. Link would have to cut down the strings and hit the orb all over again...

Our hero dashed through the water at a quick pace, trying to get in a good position so that he could hit Puppet Ganon's strings with the Boomerang once more.

Link noted that Puppet Ganon seemed to be pissed about the injury done to its person, and began to attack more frequently. The marionette would extend its arm to wack Link, sometimes succeeding.

After a few more Boomerang attacks, the tail fell again, and once more, Puppet Ganon started spinning. Link aimed carefully and hit the blue orb with a Light Arrow.

An electric shock ran through the puppet's body again. After it recovered, the marionette attached itself to the rafters; AGAIN.

Puppet Ganon lightly hit Link with one of its arms (More damage would have been done, had Link not moved backward quite so far.). Link winced, but continued cutting the strings.

At last, for the third time, the tail fell to the floor and Puppet Ganon spun. Link fired a Light Arrow at the blue orb, and Puppet Ganon died.

Link cheered as he panted.

"I...rock...SO HARD!"

But to Link's surprise, the puppet started to float in the air... It began to transform... Before our hero knew it, he was in the presence of a puppet spider! That's right. Puppet Ganon had turned into a spider.

The spider went high up near the rafters and ceiling. Link couldn't hit it with the Boomerang, his sword, OR his arrows! All hope seemed lost...

"Oh, shit..." he muttered.

The spider started spinning. Link looked down at the water -- he could see the creature's reflection. Although the entire puppet had changed form, Link could still see the blue orb from his view of the water image.

Puppet Ganon kept spinning, leaving Link wondering as to what it was going to do. Well, he found out pretty damn quickly -- the spider started to fall in attempt to crush the young boy.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Link screamed as he tried to run.

Puppet Ganon landed. Link was safe; he stood between two of the legs and next to the blue orb, which he shot with a light arrow. Like before, this injured the foe, and then it rose to the ceiling and rafters once more and started to spin yet again.

Feeling incredibly intelligent, Link remembered this tactic. He waited until Puppet Ganon fell to the floor again, and then he shot the blue orb with a Light Arrow as he did before.

Puppet Ganon retreated to the ceiling and started to spin once more. Before too long, the spider came down to the floor for the third and final time. Link hit the orb with a Light Arrow, and Puppet Ganon appeared to die...

But, alas, things aren't always what they seem...

Puppet Ganon took on its final form -- the snake form, which is the most difficult to defeat.

Link stared warily at the snake for a moment. He could see the blue orb on the tip of the creature's tail.

This is gonna be soooo easy! he thought. I mean, it's on the ground, I can see the orb, and nothing's happening.

Boy, was our hero wrong. The snake suddenly started for Link at lightning speed! The young boy screamed as he got hit right in the front and was sent flying.

Link hit the water, but slowly got to a sitting position so he could glare at the snake, who was now zooming all over the place, most likely being moved by the red string attached to its back.

"CHEAP SHOT, CHEAP SHOT, CHEAP SHOT, CHEAP-AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!" Link got hit once more.

Our hero realized that Puppet Ganon was going to show no mercy now that he was in snake form. Link looked at the creature, and gazed at the blue orb at the end of the tail. There was both a good and bad part to the weakness' position -- the good part was that the orb was trailing along on the ground, so it was in range. The bad part was that Puppet Ganon was racing around the room at lightning speed.

Link was jerked out of his thoughts when he noticed that Puppet Ganon was heading straight for him again! The boy screamed and leaped out of the way; the snake kept speeding around the room like mad.

"How the hell am I gonna kill this thing?" Link muttered angrily.

He figured his best option was to just try hard to hit the tail with his Light Arrows. Link put his plan into action...

Our hero ran forward as Puppet Ganon rushed him from the right. The creature made a sharp turn northwest, and just as it seemed the snake would hit the wall, it turned and zipped along the wall in a counter-clockwise direction. Link turned to look at Puppet Ganon, trotted backward a few steps, lifted his Hero's Bow, aimed, and fired. Unfortunately, Puppet Ganon moved too quickly, and the Light Arrow ended up hitting the wall.

"Shit..." Link muttered as he got another arrow ready.

Puppet Ganon lunged at Link suddenly, and the young boy did not have the chance to get away. The snake rammed into Link, sending him flying!

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Link screamed as he fell with a 'splash!' into the water.

Keeping in mind the fact that he had to be extremely careful, Link picked up his Hero's Bow (He let go of it and it landed a few feet away when he got hit.) and Light Arrows, and took aim at Phantom Ganon's orb again.

SUCCESS! Link's hit was lucky, it just barely hit the blue orb. Puppet Ganon jolted, but quickly recovered and started streaking around the room some more.

Link ran to the wall, raced counter-clockwise along it for a little while to better his view of his enemy's weakness, and fired another Light Arrow, but with no success. The arrow just hit Puppet Ganon on the side and bounced off; useless.

Link cursed and ran forward just as Puppet Ganon was coming at him from his old position. Our hero yelped as Puppet Ganon went for him again, so Link sped to the right. Puppet Ganon kept going straight until it reached the wall, where it ran along it clockwise. Link took a few more steps away from the wall, kept an eye on the marionette, then shot another arrow.

It was a good hit! The puppet fiend endured another injury and was momentarily paused before picking up its crazy movements once more.

Puppet Ganon was zooming around clockwise; Link decided to follow it. He ran after the horrible beast, and was only a few feet away from the blue orb. Link aimed his bow and shot, but suddenly, Puppet Ganon turned sharply and ran into Link.

Our hero cried out in agony as he took the hard blow and landed on his side a few yards away. Biting his lip, Link arose, knowing that just laying there would only result in more injury. The boy walked forward, stumbled a few steps, but then gained some more speed and much needed balance. Link watched Phantom Ganon cross his path and head to the wall again. Our hero let out a battle cry and ran at the creature's orb, which was trailing along behind it. He raised his bow, prepared a Light Arrow, and fired...

The arrow hit the blue orb. Suddenly, Puppet Ganon seemed to go mad; he sped around the room faster than before, his path was more chaotic. It was all Link could to avoid getting hit by the creature.

At last, after its little crazy spell, Puppet Ganon exploded. It was dead for sure this time. The battle was won!

Link panted, his hands on his knees. He shut his eyes tightly, but then opened one to make sure that Puppet Ganon was not transforming. Then he figured that the foe probably couldn't transform if he wasn't even there.

"You truly are the Hero of Winds..." a voice said from the rafters.

Link's eyes widened in surprise and he quickly looked up at the voice's owner. It was none other than the infamous Ganondorf... Link glared.

"YOU! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT THING?" he yelled.

"I see you are worthy of a head-to-head battle with me... Well then, let us fight. Come to my lair at the top of this tower, and we shall let fate decide who wins and who loses..."

"Ok, you can stop this whole 'fate will decide' shit! And, by the way, DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THE SPICE GIRLS ARE SO LAME?"

But Ganondorf did not hear Link's comment, for he disappeared.

Our hero stood straight, took a deep breath, drew his sword, and clutched it tightly.

Link decided to take up Ganondorf's offer... He would defeat that physco Spice Girls fan once and for all, and put an end to his madness!

Our hero walked to the middle of the room where Puppet Ganon's red string hung, and started to climb it up to the rafters.

It was time to end this nightmare once and for all...


	56. Gods! Hear that Which I Desire!

_**Gods! Hear that Which I Desire!**_

Link panted as he pulled himself up onto one of the rafters.

"Dammit...I've...never...felt...so tired..." he muttered as he sat down to rest.

Link was just about to finish his journey to the epic battle. He himself discovered this when he looked up and saw a very important looking door on a ledge.

"Shit, how the hell am I gonna get to that?" Link growled. Then he noticed the Hookshot point thing above the ledge. If he shot it with his Hookshot, then he could get to the door!

After taking a few more breaths and walking across a few rafter beams to get closer to the ledge and the door, Link took out his Hookshot, fired, and was pulled onto the ledge thing.

Our hero walked through the door to the roof of Ganon's Tower...

The wind blew hard atop the tower, accompanied by the loud noise it made. Link drew his sword and stared warily at Ganondorf, who stood at the other end of the large, circular roof. The fiend was standing over an unconcious Princess Zelda.

Ganondorf suddenly began to speak, and Link was not surprised to find that it was more of the foe's random, insane blabbering.

"My home lay within a vast desert... When the sun rose into the sky, a burning wind punished my lands, searing the world. And when the moon climbed into the dark of night, a frigid gale pierced our homes. No matter when it came, the wind carried the same thing... Death.

But the winds that blew across the green fields of Hyrule brought something other than suffering and ruin. I coveted that wind, I suppose..."

Link circled one finger around his right ear in the crazy sign.

"Coo coo, coo coo..." he said.

Ganondorf continued. "It can only be called fate. That here, I would again gather the three with the crests. That I should lay my hand on that which grants the wishes of the beholder... That when power, wisdom, and courage come together, the gods would have no choice but to come down...

The power of the gods... The Triforce! He who touches it will have whatever he desires granted!"

Ganondorf turned to Princess Zelda, who still remained unconcious at his feet, and said, "Already, the crest of wisdom is mine..."

The dark man gazed at Link with one orange eye (His eyes are ORANGE! I looked!). "All that remains..."

Link tightened his grip on his sword and prepared his shield. Ganondorf slowly turned around...

After a moment, the foe let out a cry and lunged at Link. Our hero yelped in surprise and lifted his shield to defend himself, but that was useless. Ganondorf started throwing punches and stuff at Link's head; Link's sword flew out of his hands and nearly landed itself in Princess Zelda's head!

When he was done, Ganondorf smacked Link hard enough to land him a good few yards away. Our hero lay on his side, unconcious.

Ganondorf approached him and loomed over the boy.

"Do not fear. I will not kill you..." he said. "I merely have need of the power that dwells within you."

There was a moment of silence.

"Wait, I must turn on my victory music!" Ganondorf declared as he pulled out a remote and switched on the Spice Girls' _Wannabe_ (The song that was playing earlier.). "Oooh, I love this song."

Ganondorf sang along with the song for a few minutes before getting back to business.

"Well, anyway, where was I? Oh, yes." The evil man lifted Link up by the arm and held him high in the air. "Now! Let us put an end to that which binds us together!"

Suddenly, the Triforce piece on Link's hand started to glow, as did Zelda's. Ganondorf lifted his own Triforce hand to the heavens, and the treasure upon it glowed like its fellows. Then the crests floated away from their owners and came together to form THE Triforce! The sacred object hovered above the ground as it glowed. Ganondorf cackled insanely, dropped Link, and slowly walked over to the Triforce.

"Gods! Hear that which I desire!" he cried. Ganondorf lifted up one of his hands and said, "Expose this land to the rays of the sun once more! Let them burn forth! GIVE HYRULE TO ME!"

Ganondorf reached his raised hand forward in hopes of touching the Triforce in order to make his wish a reality, but was surprised to see that someone had beaten him to it.

There stood Daphness Nohansen Hyrule, in the flesh!

"'He who touches it will have whatever he desires granted'... That is what you said, is it not, Ganondorf?" Daphness said as he read his directly-from-the-game lines from a piece of paper.

Ganondorf said nothing. He just stood there, arm extended.

"GODS OF THE TRIFORCE! HEAR THAT WHICH I DESIRE!" Daphness Nohansen Hyrule cried.

The wind itself seemed to quiet down as the sense of authority in the king's voice overshadowed all else.

"Yeah, um, I want a burger and some fries. Oh, yeah, I also want a Diet Coke and some vanilla ice cream!" Daphness declared.

"What size burger would you like?" the gods asked.

"Hm...medium is fine."

"Would you like a lid on your Diet Coke?"

"Well, DUH! No one drinks Diet Coke without a LID!" the king said.

"And what do you want on your ice cream?"

"Hm...oreos, please."

"Thank you for your order," the gods said as the meal appeared in front of Daphness Nohansen Hyrule.

The Triforce glowed, for a wish had been made.

Daphness Nohansen Hyrule looked back at the sheet of paper he held with his lines on it and read, "And may our destinies finally be fulfilled... Ganondorf! May you drown with Hyrule!"

The Triforce seperated into its three original pieces and flew away.

Suddenly, water started pouring down from the sky for no apparent reason! And Ganondorf did the strangest thing...

He laughed. He laughed, and laughed, and laughed, as if his impending doom was simply hilarious.

Daphness Nohansen Hyrule picked up his food, gave Ganondorf a "Woah! You're a fucking weirdo!" look, and walked off to to somewhere as he began to enjoy his meal.

Meanwhile, Link slowly opened his eyes. When he regained the feeling in his body, he wished he hadn't, for there was a terrible pain in his head. Regardless of this, he got to his feet with care, and clutched his arm. Link grimaced in pain and stared at Ganondorf.

The evil being seemed to know the boy was awake, even though his back was facing him.

"This is foolishness... A future...for you?" he said.

A voice from behind Link and Ganondorf said, "What the hell are YOU laughing at, you insane old turd?"

Link turned and saw Princess Zelda slowly limping up next to him, Master Sword in hand.

She said, "Here you go. Here's your dumb sword, ass wad." The princess shoved Link's sword into his hands. "Now...let's kick his ass and get on with our lives..."

Princess Zelda winked.

Link shrugged.

"Well, gee, it's not like I have a choice."

"What do you mean, 'I'? We're doing this together!"

"Well, whatever."

Ganondorf stretched both of his arms out to the sides.

"Very well, then... Allow me to show you..."

The evil man pulled twin swords out of his sleeves.

"Your future... Yes... Allow me to show you... Just what hope you have..."

Ganondorf spun around quickly and shouted, "See how much your precious Triforce is worth!"


	57. The Final Battle

_**The Final Battle**_

Princess Zelda pulled out a bow and some light arrows.

"Where the hell did you get those?" Link asked.

"Um...nowhere?" Zelda replied.

"Wait a second...THOSE ARE MINE, DAMMIT!"

Zelda shoved Link to the ground.

"GET OVER IT, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

Link glared at her.

"Now, here's what we're gonna do... You attack Ganondorf as much as possible, and I'll cover you with these here Light Arrows and bow. Got it?" the princess instructed.

"That's stupid!" Link spat.

"Oh, yeah? And what do YOU propose we do?"

"Um..."

"Well, then let's do MY plan. Get going!"

Ganondorf was approaching the two kids at a slow pace...

Link got to his feet and walked over to Ganondorf and hit him with the sword. He would have, had Ganondorf not blocked his hit and kicked him in the shin.

"OW! THAT HURT!" Link whined.

Ganondorf chuckled and started beating up Link. Zelda rolled her eyes, lifted the Hero's Bow, and shot a light arrow at Ganondorf. It was a success!

Electricity seemed to be running through Ganondorf's body, and he was temporarily paralyzed.

"LINK, HIT HIM NOW!" Zelda yelled.

Link started slicing the enemy until he was able to move. When that happened, Link backed away.

Fire glinted in Ganondorf's eyes... He meant business now...

Ganondorf advanced on Link, herding him to the edge of the arena. When he was getting too close to the edge, Link sped to the right and past Ganondorf. He ran behind the foe and landed a parry attack on him, paralyzing the man. Ganondorf's body was completely still except for his agonized twitching. Link stood and watched.

"Link, what are you doing?" Zelda asked.

"Um...watching him?" Link replied.

"KILL HIM, DAMMIT! KILL HIM, KILL HIM, KILL HIM!"

Link glared at Princess Zelda and said, "Nope. Not until you say please."

Zelda approached Link.

"I TOLD YOU TO KILL HIM, AND THAT WAS AN ORDER, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

"JUST SAY 'PLEASE'!"

Zelda grabbed Link by the hair and pulled him to the ground. Link screamed as Zelda began to pound him in the face with her fist. The two didn't notice Ganondorf walking slowly towards them...

"Heh heh..." he chuckled as he lifted his swords and smacked the princess in the head with the flat side of the blade. Zelda fell unconcious.

Link looked at her and asked, "Is she dead?"

Ganondorf attempted to slice Link, but our hero yelped and rolled out of the way. He got to his feet as quickly as he could, and readied his sword, eyes on his opponent. Ganondorf walked slowly to Link.

Gee, what the hell is _wrong_ with this guy? Link thought.

Suddenly, Ganondorf did a huge flip in the air and landed right in front of the boy! Link screamed, but got cut on the cheek. Our hero turned and ran a good distance away.

It appeared Ganondorf could fly. That was most likely an advantage.

When he felt prepared enough, Link ran forward, sword raised. He attempted to execute a parry attack, but Ganondorf shoved him to the ground and stepped on his crotch. Link screamed, but luckily, he was able to get away after a moment.

A few minutes later, Zelda awoke and put a hand to her aching head. When she had regained her senses, she heard Spice Girls music blasting.

"Oh, shit..." she gasped, looking at Ganondorf who was singing along and then to Link, who was sitting on the ground, hands over his ears, screaming.

"THE SPICE GIRLS WENT OUT OF STYLE SO LONG AGO IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY!" she shouted, getting to her feet and readying her bow. She fired a Light Arrow at Ganondorf, but althought he wasn't even looking at her, he was able to dodge it. Zelda fired again, and the same thing happened.

"DAMMIT, WHY WON'T YOU DIE?" she yelled, pulling out a chainsaw and turning it on.

Zelda destroyed the radio playing the terrible music with her newfound weapon. Ganondorf's eyes widened.

"WHAT...DID YOU JUST...DO?" he yelled.

"I turned off your shitty music, you fag."

"BITCH!" Ganondorf screeched as he ran at Zelda, swords raised. The villain knocked the chainsaw from the princess' hands and sent it flying off the arena.

Just as he was about to kill her, a voice from behind him said, "Ganondorf, your barn door's open..."

"Woah, dude, it is?" Ganondorf replied, stopping to look at his pants. But then he realized he wasn't wearing pants. "HEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! I'M NOT WEARING PA-"

But the owner of the voice, who was none other than Link, shoved his sword up Ganondorf's ass crack and pulled it back out again. He looked at his blade; it was covered with brown stains and Kix cereal. Link decided not to dwell on the question of why Ganondorf had Kix cereal up his ass.

Ganondorf recovered quickly however, and did a spin kick, knocking both Link and Zelda a few good yards away. The two kids got up and clutched their weapons.

Zelda fired another Light Arrow, but Ganondorf blocked it. Link tried to parry, but Ganondorf blocked his attack, too.

About half an hour later, the duo had not landed another blow on their enemy.

"DAMMIT, LINK, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Zelda yelled as she fired a Light Arrow at Link.

Link screamed and held up his shield. The arrow bounced off of its surface and hit Ganondorf, causing the man to become temporarily paralyzed once more.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'MY FAULT'? THIS IS _YOUR_ FAULT!" Link shouted to Zelda as he sliced Ganondorf.

"IT'S YOUR FAULT BECAUSE I SAID SO!" Zelda replied as she kicked Ganondorf in the groin.

"IT IS NOT!" Link hit Ganondorf with his sword again.

"LIAR!" Zelda kicked Ganondorf in the shin.

Ganondorf finally regained his motor skills and landed another spin kick at Link and Zelda. The pair backed away, and no damage was done.

Link put up his shield, and barked, "I THINK YOU'RE A BITCH! AND WHAT'S WITH THE MONOPOLY MONEY? HONESTLY!"

Zelda fired a light arrow at Link's Mirror Shield and replied, "WHAT DO YOU KNOW, YOU TURD? AND THAT MONEY IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

The Light Arrow hit Ganondorf again. Link started attacking him.

"YOU'RE A BASKET CASE!" he said.

Our hero finished his attack and moved away from Ganondorf just as his paralysis faded. Link and Zelda rotated.

"YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE A PERVERT!" Zelda shouted as she shot another arrow.

Link raised his shield.

"YOU'RE A...A..." He was lost for words.

"HA! I WIN, I WIN!"

Link attacked Ganondorf.

"NO, YOU DON'T!"

"YES, I DO!"

Ganondorf lunged at Link, but the boy dodged and raised his shield.

"I'M TELLING YOU, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!" he shouted to the princess.

Zelda sent an arrow flying to the shield.

"I HAVE THE TRIFORCE OF WISDOM FOR A REASON!"

The Light Arrow bounced off of the Mirror Shield's surface and embedded itself in Ganondorf's flesh.

"THE GODDESSES OBVIOUSLY WEREN'T THINKING!"

Link parried, lept onto Ganondorf's shoulders, and jammed the Master Sword into the fiend's skull. He held his pose for an unnessecarily long time as he said, "AND THAT'S WHY RELIGION IS A SIN!"

"Link, that didn't make any sense..." Zelda told him.

Link did not reply as he got off of Ganondorf and stood in front of him, panting.

"Tee hee...the wind...it is blowing..." Ganondorf said before suddenly turning to stone.

Link began to feel all of the physical pressures of his adventure weighing him down. The room began to spin and tilt, and before he knew it, he passed out from exhaustion.

"Link, I'll catch you!" Zelda said as she ran to him.

Link fell and hit the floor, face down, causing his nose to bleed. Zelda laughed and kicked him.

"Stupid..." she muttered with a smirk.

Daphness Nohansen Hyrule came up to them.

"It's over," he said.

Zelda looked up at him. Link woke up and copied her.

"Hey, where the hell have you been?" he said.

"Enjoying my meal. Damn, that food was good... Well, I can see you made Ganondorf a rock. Impressive," Daphness replied.

There was a long moment of silence.

"Well, you guys better go back to the surface world now. Good-bye."

"What about you?" Zelda asked.

"I'm staying here. Yeah, I'll probably drown, but oh well," the King told her.

"Woah, really?" Link asked.

Wow...dreams really _do _come true! he thought.

"Yes, Link. Well, it's time to flood this joint. See ya!"

Suddenly, the water that was pouring down on them began to come down harder. In an instant, the three were underwater. Link and Zelda were protected by mysterious air bubbles.

Link got a last look at his long-time companion before reaching the surface...

After the children were gone, Daphness Nohansen Hyrule said, "Oh, screw this. I don't want to die. I'm going to Disney World!" He put a Mickey Mouse hat on and took out his video camera. Daphness watched the footage he had just filmed of Link and Zelda falling for his suicide joke before poofing off to Disney World.


	58. And So I Conclude

_**And So I Conclude**_

Link's eyes opened slowly. It took him a moment to realize that he was floating on the ocean with sleeping next to him. She awoke a few seconds later.

The two finally noticed that something was repeatedly hitting and bouncing off their heads. They looked forward, only to find themselves facing Prince Komali, who was hovering above the water and throwing rocks at them.

"WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE -- oh, you're awake," he said.

"Yeah, and you can stop throwing rocks at us now!" Link snapped.

Komali threw another rock at Link's head, then at Tetra's before he told them, "Look behind you."

Link and Tetra turned around, and do you know what they saw? I know what they saw. Do you know what they saw? They saw Tetra's pirate ship. That's what they saw.

Everyone seemed to be aboard the ship. Aryll stood at the crow's nest; waving; Niko was humping a wooden beam on the ship, Medli and Makar were doing eachother on the deck...it sure was a party.

Link peered at Medli and Makar.

"Hey, Komali, isn't that your girlfriend having sex with a turnip?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah, I know. I'm gonna go join them in a second," Komali replied.

"Ew..." Link muttered as he tried to get the terrible pictures out of his mind.

Tetra said, "Well, that's really disturbing, uh...what's your name?"

"Prince Komali."

"Right. Well, Prince Komali, how long have you been watching us?"

Komali said nothing, which gave Link and eerie thought...

Had he been there, staring at them for maybe _hours_? Link pushed this thought out of his mind, too. He then realized that being within five feet of Prince Komali could cause severe brain damage. I mean, over-exposure to Komali could make one go insane or zap away their intelligence!

A few hours later, the party continued on at Outset Island. There was an amazing variety of alchoholic beverages, and of course, Link over-indulged. After all, he had to party hard, for there was much to celebrate! He had defeated Ganondorf, and the best possible thing happened -- the King of Red Lions commited suicide!

Or so he thought...

Tetra walked up to Link, who stood on the beach. In front of him sat the King of Red Lions' lifeless boat form.

"Hey, Link, I was wondering if you wanted to join my pirate crew, because I need a new slave... The other ones are starting to bore me. So, do you accept?" she asked.

Link hiccupped and swayed.

"I accept, Princess Leia!" he slurred as he lit a match and set his boat on fire.

Tetra watched in amusement.

"Ok then. Happy hangovers to you, and welcome to the crew!" she said, slapping him on the back and walking away. Link puked all over the sand.

Aryll trotted over to her older brother and hugged him.

"Big brother, I missed you!"

"Hey, stop humpin' my legs, you maggot!" Link said.

Aryll looked up at him.

"I love you, too," she replied cheerfully.

"GET OFF!" Link barked, shoving Aryll to the ground before passing out.

Aryll stared at him, shrugged, and went home to watch Prince Komali, Makar, Medli, and her grandmother perform a foursome on the kitchen floor in the house.

The day had been saved, thanks to a young boy, a pirate, a rapist/vampire, a nudist, some guy who's in Disney World, and a princess who is the exact same person as the pirate, which doesen't make sense, 'cause you can't be two people at once.

Ah, what a wonderful world we live in, eh?

_**THE END**_

****

_It's over. It's finally over. I want to thank all those who read and love this story, and I hope you will enjoy the sequel just as much. This is hard to finish, but it had to happen some time... I hope you like the ending. Thanks again, I love you guys. Not romantically, of course, but the way an author loves a reader. That still did not sound right. Well, I'm so depressed about ending the story, I'm almost in denial... Oh, shit, I might start crying here... Well, read the sequel and review it. That'll make me feel better. _The Wind Waker _had a good run, thanks to you guys. You're the best! This is tacochickenwings, signing out!_


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